January 20th.
After the rain, there always seems to be a splendid sunny day. The warm sunlight bathes everything, driving away much of the harsh chill of winter.
Today is Major Cold, one of the twenty-four solar terms, but there’s none of the cold one might expect.
I was sitting absentmindedly on a chair in the courtyard.
“Miss, there are only two days left until Little New Year. Aren’t you going out for a stroll? It’s so lively outside, red carpets laid everywhere, and there are so many little games on the streets before Spring Festival. If you’re lucky, you might even win some small prizes.”
The students had all gone home for the holiday, making the campus a little deserted.
But the city remained brilliantly lit, displaying the splendor unique to a big metropolis.
The thirtieth is Spring Festival, the twenty-ninth is New Year’s Eve, so it’s not far off at all.
I tilted my head to look up at the orange sun, now bright enough to stare at directly. As Chun Qiao spoke, my small hand, resting on my lap, curled up slightly.
“I’d rather not go out.”
Chun Qiao was worried about my recent state. She had watched as her young lady grew more and more haggard, and though she had thought of a thousand ways to cheer me up, none had worked.
“Other people’s liveliness… what does it have to do with me?”
Su Liumeng was standing behind me, I didn’t know how long she’d been there.
Hearing the soft footsteps behind, I knew whose they were and casually asked, “Su Liumeng, where are you spending the New Year this year?”
“Where else would I go? Of course I’ll spend it with you. Isn’t this my home?” Su Liumeng replied as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
My clenched hand loosened, and I feigned indifference, “What about your biological parents? Aren’t you going back home?”
“I’m already married. This is my home now. Where else could I go?” Su Liumeng said matter-of-factly. “My father has plenty of homes, and I’m not his only illegitimate child. Why should I care if he’s lonely? Wherever he goes, he’s surrounded by adoration. Who knows how happy he is.”
In the afternoon.
The psychologist was a woman in her forties.
Her voice had a calming effect, like a clear pool of green water in a deep, quiet pond, attempting to unlock the doors I’d gradually closed in my heart.
We sat face to face in a quiet room.
The first step in psychological counseling is also the hardest—opening up.
I clutched the hem of my skirt, staring at the ornament on the table, biting my lip tightly, unwilling to step out of my world and voice my truest feelings to another.
“Miss Si, if you keep refusing to communicate, I have no way to treat you.”
“Since you’re sitting here, I assume you are seeking help.”
“Can you try telling me what’s on your mind? Is there something you can’t say to anyone else?”
“Don’t worry, keeping patients’ secrets is the most basic professional ethic I have.”
As a professional counselor, she had other methods—forced hypnosis, for example—but none could be used on a girl of such distinguished status.
I felt the breath in my mind, listening to Si Zhiruo’s faint breathing. My lashes trembled in the light, and my tightly clenched hands showed the intense struggle within.
“Doctor… big sister.”
My voice trembled sweetly, unusually clear in the quiet room.
After a long while, Wang Xiao finally heard my next words.
“Even if love is as real and as close as it can be… would you dare to believe in it?”
“I’ve always thought that everything would just blow away like the wind.”
“Whether it’s family or romantic love, compared to others’ status, my existence and name are always bound to someone else’s.”
“I may be an individual, but in others’ eyes, I’m only Zhi Zhi’s mother, Su Liumeng’s wife, and only after that, myself.”
“My love, because of my own position, seems almost too insignificant, too easily overlooked.”
“In life, time and again, facts have proven one thing.”
“I’m just someone who passively receives love.”
“Someone of lower status who can only be loved, most of the time, doesn’t even have the right to refuse.”
“Because if I refuse that love, I will have nothing.”
“I know they’d never do that, but the vast gulf between our statuses just can’t give me a sense of security.”
“It’s not that I don’t love them.”
“I do, I love them very much, because I’m someone starved for love, always yearning to be loved.”
“But…”
“In this situation, the love they give me feels more like charity from someone above to someone below.”
“I know it’s not really charity, but I can’t help imagining what life would be like if I lost everything again.”
“Because I’m really too weak. Sun Fan has no confidence at all to reject any kind of love, which makes me always nervous, afraid of gaining and losing.”
“I have no strength, no confidence to say ‘no’ in the face of their love.”
“I’m just a lower one, passively loved, in a process where I can barely utter ‘no,’ and so my passive love grows—how can I ever feel safe?”
“Because, whether it’s family or romantic love, it’s always in the process of not being able to say ‘no’ that my love for them grows.”
“I think—if I’d been the one who took the initiative from the start, maybe I’d have more confidence.”
“It’s the countless times I couldn’t say ‘no’ that make it hard for me to have a solid sense of security now.”
“Doctor… big sister.” I looked at her and gave a bitter smile. “Are you going to say I’m just being melodramatic?”
Wang Xiao replied, “No, I won’t laugh at you. This is actually a very normal feeling.”
“Isn’t it because you care so much that you’re even more afraid of losing?”
“In the end, it comes from your sense of weakness, and from the lack of security that stems from it.”
“If you’d said ‘no’ even once at the beginning, maybe things would be better. But since you didn’t have the courage, you have to regain that confidence now.”
“So, I imagine you look for ways to give yourself some sense of security.”
I fell silent, then spoke in a strangely dejected voice, “A lot of times, I really find myself annoying. I get irritable for no reason, lose my temper for no reason.”
I said as I painfully grabbed my hair, “I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s not that I don’t like them—I’m more afraid than anyone of losing them. But because of my status, I’m timid and hesitant.”
“Sorry, I’m not making much sense.”
When I finally let myself open up, tears flowed uncontrollably.
Wang Xiao wrote a line on her notepad, “Can I describe you like this? This is a kind of inferiority within pride.”
“You believe your talents are second to none, but reality brings your pride back to earth. And because of some childhood experiences, you have lingering feelings of inferiority deep down. These complicated factors put you in a contradiction—wanting to love, but afraid to love freely.”
Wang Xiao tapped the table, “If you had your own strength or confidence, wouldn’t you be more secure? If love were on more equal footing, there wouldn’t be so much anxiety about gain and loss.”
“Psychological problems are never formed or solved in an instant. It’s a long-term process, and counseling is only an external guide. The most important thing is for you to face your own heart and proactively seek a breakthrough.”
I fell silent again.
Wang Xiao asked, “You’re worried they might stop loving you because you’re weak, aren’t you? Actually, love is always mutual. When the other’s status far exceeds yours, no matter how much they love you, you’ll still feel the gap. You think you don’t have the right to refuse love, so you unconsciously develop a way to protect yourself: If they don’t love you, you still don’t have the right to refuse. Humans always protect themselves. When you’re in a weaker position, you constantly remind yourself not to fall too deeply into being loved. That way, even if you’re not loved, you can at least retreat with your whole self, instead of being left with nothing and covered in scars.”
“Is that right?” I gripped my hair painfully, “Now, I… I don’t even know.”
Wang Xiao wrote again, “These were your old worries, but how do they relate to your recent burst of anxiety?”
“Don’t worry, you can tell me. I’ll listen.”
I took a deep breath and continued, “I said earlier, I lack love. It’s not that I don’t love them, I’m just afraid of losing.”
“Compared to romantic love, I’m even more afraid of losing family.”
“My baby is everything to me now.”
“This is all the love I’ve ever had, the kind of family affection I never dared dream of before.”
“If I lost Su Liumeng, maybe I’d be an empty shell.”
“But if I lost my daughter, I’d probably just jump off the building.”
“That’s something I absolutely cannot accept.”
“I’ve invested too much, it’s everything I have. I truly can’t face a world without her.”
Tears kept leaking from the corners of my eyes. “Sorry, I got a little emotional.”
“You can calm down a bit before you continue.”
I took two deep breaths, determined to go on.
I was afraid that if I relaxed for even a moment, I’d never be able to say what was in my heart.
This was the result of all my courage.
“Doctor, do you know?”
“If Su Liumeng is someone whose status far surpasses mine, then my daughter is someone I absolutely cannot refuse.”
“I love her—”