(1)
The evening breeze, carrying the smell of cooking oil from the downstairs restaurant, gently brushed An Jing’s face.
The hot tears on her face quickly turned cold.
She stared blankly at the distant azure sky, a clear, cold moon hanging high, silently watching her.
The call she had just taken had ended.
Just a year without contact had made her forget so many things.
That online friend, ‘Pale Blue Melancholy,’ had once gotten her number.
Back then, An Jing would never answer his calls, only reply with text messages.
This was the first time she’d picked up.
The group chat was probably still lively, but An Jing didn’t participate like before.
Instead, she came to the doorway and leaned on the railing.
She hadn’t been scorned or thought of as a liar, yet an inexplicable sadness suddenly welled up in her heart.
There seemed to be no reason at all.
A somewhat messy sound of footsteps and gasps came from the outdoor metal staircase, then Yu Mingfei’s voice rang out, “Ha—finally home!”
“Why is Xiaojing at the door?”
“Huh? Kid, what are you doing standing outside the door? Waiting for us to come back?”
Yu Mingfei playfully leaned over, and by the colorful lights of the small plaza, she saw tear tracks on An Jing’s small face.
“Strange, why are you crying?”
“I don’t know…”
“Were you bullied?”
Yu Mingfei rested one hand on the railing, swaying slightly in the wind.
A faint, sour smell of sweat came from her.
“What’s going on, exactly?”
“Whew…”
An Jing took a deep breath, forcing out an ugly smile, “It’s nothing, Sister Fei.”
“Tsk, if something’s wrong, just say it.”
Yu Mingfei nodded at Yu Minghui, who was about to enter the door.
The latter smiled knowingly, gently propping the door open instead of fully closing it.
“What do you mean ‘nothing’? You’re crying, so something’s definitely wrong.”
Yu Mingfei simply leaned her whole body against the railing, letting the wind blow through her hair.
“Whew…”
“Why am I cold after just running? Damn it, Huihui is still as fast as ever, I can’t keep up at all…”
“Oh right, Sister Fei, did you get full marks on your physical education exam in junior high?”
“Huh? Back then, I remember we didn’t have a physical education exam.”
“Damn it, why do we have it now?”
“Because back then, kids just didn’t lack exercise. It’s different in your era—there’s too much electronic entertainment, no need to run outside. Look, more and more people wear glasses now. Back then, students with glasses in our class were rare animals.”
An Jing twitched the corner of her mouth, wiping away the tear marks on her face with the back of her hand, “Sister Fei, do you prefer the past or the present?”
“Nonsense, of course, it’s now.”
“Really?”
“Of course! It’s so convenient now, life is getting better and better, and what I want is slowly coming true—so, what do you have to be sad about? What’s going on, really?”
The smile that had just appeared on An Jing’s face instantly crumbled.
She looked at the bustling small plaza and sighed wistfully.
That street performer seemed to come often lately.
Though not every day, at least two or three days a week.
From a distance, the singing was mixed with various noisy human voices, blurred, only roughly audible:
“…Suddenly, the sky turned dark, the world could suddenly have nothing at all…”
“Sister Fei.”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t want to be a girl.”
“Being a girl is so troublesome.”
“There are many troublesome things.”
“I want to change back… even if I become a lying deceiver.”
“What does that have to do with it? Who did you deceive?”
An Jing was silent, not answering, but tears began to well up in her eyes again.
“I’d rather not be that way… I just want to be myself.”
“You are yourself now.”
“I’m a boy… a man…”
An Jing widened her eyes, watching the shimmering tears roll down and land on the rough concrete road, “I should be standing here, strong and upright, not being a woman…”
“Pfft, what are you talking about? A little kid, ‘strong and upright’?”
“Sister Fei, I’m serious.”
She smiled wryly and shook her head.
Even though she had once pretended to be a girl to gain attention, that was just childishness from a child who didn’t know better.
She still wanted to be that dignified man.
She had even mustered the courage to decide to bid farewell to the past.
But now, even if she wanted to be, she couldn’t.
The longer she spent as a girl, the more it made her feel that the day she could turn back into a boy was nowhere in sight…
An Jing gently stroked the stone, murmuring softly, “Stone, oh stone… If you can change me back, I swear I’ll never again use the guise of a girl to gain any advantage. If I want others to pay attention to me, I’ll do it as a boy… Yes, yes, I understand now…”
“Huh?”
Yu Mingfei only heard her last sentence, “What do you understand?”
“This must be the meteorite’s test. It’s testing me with a sugar-coated bullet. If I use my identity as a girl to do convenient things, then it counts as a failure, and I’ll never be able to change back. So—!”
An Jing smiled, looking earnestly at Yu Mingfei, “So I absolutely won’t use this identity to gain any advantages. I’ll do those things based on my own strength. If I can do it, I will. If I can’t, I’ll work hard to achieve it!”
“Though I don’t understand what you’ve figured out,” Yu Mingfei patted An Jing’s shoulder heavily, “At least, you’re probably okay now, right?”
“Yes! I will become a true hero!”
An Jing struck a pose she thought was cool, but was actually incredibly silly, “This world, I will protect it!”
“Idiot.”
Yu Mingfei rolled her eyes dramatically.
“If you’re fine, hurry home, take a shower, and go to bed!”
“I still want to play games.”
“Play games—? Did you do your homework?”
“Cough! I’ll take a shower and go to bed!”
“No, you’re not allowed to sleep tonight until you finish your homework!”
“Help me!”
“Go write it, I’ll supervise you!”
“Let me shower first.”
“Do you want me to help you wash?”
“Eek?!”
“Let me see how you’re developing now. Do you need to go back to the doctor?”
“You go check on Sister Huihui!”
“Huihui doesn’t need checking, she’s big… cough!”
***
(2)
Honestly, desires are completely instinctual to the body.
Most people can’t control them at all.
But precisely because it’s difficult, it’s even more important to do it.
Otherwise, how could one be called a hero?
An Jing stood in front of the mirror, her small face flushed, looking at her naked self.
Fair skin, a smooth abdomen, well-proportioned thighs, and that…
She recited those lines from puppet shows, as if going into battle, and walked under the showerhead.
“Wow—!!!”
“What are you screaming about?!”
Yu Mingfei’s loud shout came from outside.
“So hot!”
“The water’s a bit hotter today, isn’t it?”
“…It’s fine now!”
An Jing didn’t manage to be completely free of distracting thoughts, but she found a clever way—by filling her mind with thoughts of playing games, leaving no room for other random thoughts.
Just like when she was a boy, she showered haphazardly.
She’d get completely wet, then quickly apply shower gel, and rinse it off immediately.
Sometimes, after she got out, she’d realize several spots weren’t properly cleaned; not that there was still dirt, but that shower gel residue remained.
***
(3)
Deep night.
The city seemed to have quieted down.
Sounds of the barbecue shop downstairs closing up could be heard.
If she peeked out now, she might even see a few drunk men, arm in arm, walking home together.
The group chat, which had become lively again, returned to its usual quietness.
Because An Jing wasn’t there, everyone’s topic shifted from her to other things.
They talked a lot, and it seemed everyone had changed a great deal in this past year.
The group owner’s child was finally born, someone finally got into university, but many others were still on their journey.
As they talked, the conversation shifted to discussing the future.
The future always seems to be full of hope.
Q An Jing hesitated for a moment, then chose to mute the group.
To the messages from those people, she only replied, ‘I’ve been very busy lately,’ and didn’t chat further.
Zhu Ying had already fallen asleep; her last message was ‘An An An.’
An Jing looked at the grayed-out avatars, slowly scrolling up, and found that almost all her friends were offline.
… “Are you alive, stupid Zhou Chao?”
“Sun Wei, wanna play DNF? I’ll carry you.”
“A-Qiang, are you asleep yet?”
A few seconds later, only Fang Qiang sent a message, “Not yet, sigh, my computer’s been so laggy lately. Feels like every game lags.”
“Your computer’s too old, probably can’t keep up with the times.”
“Can’t afford a new one.”
“What’s up? You’re still not asleep today?”
“Just finished homework, a bit free, planning to play for a bit before sleeping.”
“I’m too laggy, can’t play.”
“It’s fine.”
An Jing typed these three words then immediately sent another message, “How’s your dad doing?”
“We’re planning to have him stay at home next month.”
“That way you can at least save some money.”
“Yeah, sigh.”
“Don’t keep sighing, haha, life’s a long road, we’re still young, things will get better in the future!”
“Your kind of comfort is useless.”
After Fang Qiang sent this message, An Jing scratched her head and was silent for a few seconds.
Just as she was about to reply, the other person sent another message.
“But still, thank you, brother.”
“If it’s really bad, wanna hang out tomorrow?”
“Nah, tomorrow, I have something to do.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing much, just going to deliver some stuff, earn some extra cash.”
“Oh, oh…”
They were all still teenagers, but Fang Qiang, it seemed… was already becoming an adult.
This kinda hits hard ngl. They’re slowly starting to grow up. I just hope they don’t drift apart and manage to stay friends.