Chapter 31: Suspicious

He should have realized it long ago—after so many times of knowingly speaking more even when he knew the other couldn’t understand, after mistakenly thinking that he liked him yet faced little resistance.

But he always deliberately avoided it, trying to cover up the strange feelings that arose.

He thought that as long as he didn’t pierce through the illusion, the thin layer of facade would never crack, and those improper feelings would dissipate without a name.

Feelings.

Yet, he didn’t know that feelings accumulate over time and are impossible to suppress.

Sooner or later, if one slips even slightly, they overflow.

Since he began living disguised as a woman, there hadn’t been a single day he didn’t feel weary of such a life.

But now, pitifully, he thought it would have been better if he truly were a woman.

That way, there would be no deceit or guilt.

Perhaps he could have accepted Cao Wen’s kindness with a clear conscience, and maybe even expressed his own feelings toward him.

But the truth was, he was a man—and yet had developed feelings for him. Perhaps this was heaven’s punishment.

Xu Duoyan’s heart was tangled like an incoherent ball of thread.

He didn’t know how he would face Cao Wen now that he had lifted this veil.

When Cao Wen returned to the house, still warm from exertion, he found only Lu Lingbi inside. He raised his head and looked around, asking, “Where’s Ah Yan?”

“He’s a bit tired and went back to sleep,” Lu Lingbi replied.

Cao Wen frowned at this and glanced toward the inner room before sitting down beside Lu Lingbi.

Lowering his voice, he asked, “Did I do something wrong? Should I not have let the Daifu examine Ah Yan?”

“That’s not your fault,” Lu Lingbi said, setting down her work.

“You only want what’s best for Ah Yan. He’s used to things as they are after all these years. Maybe he’s a little disappointed, but not heartbroken. Don’t take it to heart.”

Cao Wen exhaled but still felt uneasy about Xu Duoyan.

Once Lu Lingbi went to prepare the meal, he seized the chance to slip into his own room.

Separated by just a thin wooden wall, it was almost like stepping directly into Xu Duoyan’s room.

He tried calling softly, “Ah Yan.”

Xu Duoyan was leaning against the bed and heard the familiar voice through the wooden partition.

His brow twitched slightly as he pulled himself back from the chaos of emotions.

“I didn’t mean anything by having Daifu examine you. If your Xuniao can be cured, I’d be very happy. If not, I would be mute as well. I just hope we don’t miss any opportunities because of fear.”

Cao Wen lowered his voice, “I don’t know how many Daifu you’ve already seen, making you so disheartened. But I want to say that even if hope seems slim, it’s not impossible. If you avoid doctors and don’t try, then that’s when there’s truly no hope.”

Xu Duoyan remained expressionless, yet those words echoed in his mind: hope may be slim, but it’s not impossible.

He looked quietly at the hastily nailed wooden board between them, as if he could see through it to the person behind, comforting him.

Suddenly, a thought grew stronger inside Xu Duoyan’s heart upon hearing Cao Wen’s voice.

But the strange idea born from pain made him nervous.

After struggling with it several times, he let out a breath and raised his brow with a newfound resolve.

Seeing no reply from next door, Cao Wen wasn’t sure if Xu Duoyan didn’t want to answer or had already rested.

He knocked lightly on the wooden board and sighed, hoping Xu Duoyan could hear and understand. Most of all, he hoped this wouldn’t cause friction between them.

After a pause, Cao Wen turned to leave, only to find Xu Duoyan standing silently by the doorway, watching him.

Cao Wen’s eyes widened slightly. “You…you’re not resting?”

Xu Duoyan shook his head.

“Then what I said…”

“I heard it all. I understand what you mean.”

Xu Duoyan looked at Cao Wen.

“Thank you.”

Cao Wen pressed his lips and smiled, “I’m glad you didn’t take it to heart.”

Seeing Xu Duoyan say that, Cao Wen finally relaxed, thinking the matter was settled.

Yet after this day, Cao Wen noticed that Xu Duoyan seemed like a different person.

Before he could figure out what kind of man Xu Duoyan preferred, the latter began to show concern for him.

Not only did Xu Duoyan learn from Lu Lingbi how to make his favorite pickles, but knowing that he was prone to mosquito bites, one morning had even burned mugwort leaves in his room to keep the insects away.

“Ahhh~”

Cao Wen, lost in thought over what had come over Xu Duoyan, set down the bucket he had brought to the washroom and habitually lifted the edge of his clothing, preparing to strip down for a bath.

He had just pulled his shirt up to his neck and was about to close the door when he suddenly saw a head peeking in from the side.

Startled, he hurriedly tried to pull his clothes back down, but the short jacket got caught at his neck, tightening as he pulled.

He gave up and let the shirt hang around his neck, crossing his arms over his exposed chest.

“Wh-what’s the matter?”

Xu Duoyan was also taken aback, not expecting him to undress so quickly upon entering.

“Um, can you take your clothes off? I’ll wash them for you.”

Cao Wen blushed.

“Oh—”

Then he caught himself.

“No, no, I can wash them myself.”

“You won’t get them clean. I’ll use the Moonblade to wash them. Once dried, they won’t smell like sweat and will be more comfortable.”

“All right then.”

Cao Wen took a small breath, prepared to strip, but glanced over at Xu Duoyan, who stood guarding the door as if afraid he might back out and refuse his clothes.

“What if you…”

Xu Duoyan furrowed his brow, realizing he shouldn’t stare so intently. He turned away.

Cao Wen took the chance, quickly slipping off the clothes behind the door and passed them through the gap.

Xu Duoyan watched the naked hand stretch out through the crack, brow tightening as he slowly accepted the clothes.

This guy wasn’t like this before—why now so wary, as if afraid of being seen?

How could someone with such strange behavior be in love with a man?

He doubted himself, wondering if he was being too warmhearted.

Though slightly discouraged, he still inhaled deeply.

Not trying at all was truly giving up all hope.

Hearing footsteps fade away, Cao Wen closed the door again.

His heart was restless these days, with Xu Duoyan suddenly behaving unpredictably.

Still, the two continued their routine of going into the mountains to gather Jiangzi and Huajiao.

Though the daily harvest wasn’t much, Jiangzi and Huajiao sold well.

Jiangzi could fetch fifty wen per jin, while Huajiao was even pricier.

Used as medicine, spice, and seasoning, it could sell for up to one hundred fifty wen per jin.

Finding just one Pepper Tree meant nearly one or two taels of silver in earnings, practically guaranteed at the market.

Some buyers even recognized their faces and placed orders in advance, so there was no worry about selling these mountain goods, only about whether luck favored them in finding Huajiao trees.

They often ventured deep into the mountains, covering long distances, and collected far more than the cautious gatherers.

One morning, the sky was overcast and Cao Wen guessed it would rain, so he decided not to go into the mountains but to process the goods accumulated over several days and prepare to sell them at the market.

Rainy days were best for selling; the dampness made the goods look fresh and heavy, without fear of sun damage affecting appearance.

As Cao Wen prepared to take the plucked Jiangzi and Huajiao leaves to the kitchen to dry for kindling, a soft girl’s voice suddenly sounded outside.

“Is Ah Yan home?”

Few visitors came to the Cao family, especially with the busy farming season.

Even Cao Wen’s uncle rarely visited.

Hearing a strange voice so familiarly call for Xu Duoyan, Cao Wen was surprised.

He carried a dustpan and hurried to the gate.

“Ah Yan! It’s so good you’re home!”

Xu Duoyan, feeding the chickens with rice bran under the back eaves, looked up and saw a young girl standing outside the courtyard gate, carrying a basket.

She bounced on her toes and, upon seeing him, happily waved, revealing two shallow dimples.

Of course, Xu Duoyan recognized her—it was Qiao Family’s Fourth, the girl he often visited to borrow the millstone.

Qiao Fourth was pretty and lively, with a sweet disposition.

Though their conversations were like birds and fish—mismatched—she was always warm and eager to chat.

Seeing the visitor, Xu Duoyan smiled at her and signed: “Qiao Fourth, why have you come? Is something the matter?”

Though she didn’t understand sign language, Qiao Fourth sensed the question and quickly lifted her basket.

“My brother said Ah Yan is gathering mountain goods, so he asked me to buy some Huajiao. Is there any now?”

Xu Duoyan nodded and pointed inside the house.

“That’s great!”

Cao Wen watched secretly as the small girl, half a head shorter than Xu Duoyan but with very fair skin and grape-like eyes, cheerfully followed him into the main room.

He knew she was the fourth daughter of the Qiao Family, reputed as the village beauty, coveted by many men.

However, with three strong elder brothers fiercely protective, all doting on her, local men were cautious and dared not approach her without merit.

Cao Wen saw that the sprightly young girl adored Xu Duoyan, chattering incessantly, while Xu Duoyan patiently smiled though not replying much.

Even jealousy soaked in vinegar wouldn’t make him mind a little girl being close to Xu Duoyan—except…

Cao Wen ground his molars and noticed the Peach Blossom Tassel Hairpin tucked in Qiao Fourth’s bun.

The tassels swayed playfully with her steps, a bit improper in manner but matching her lively spirit.

That was unmistakably the Peach Blossom Tassel Hairpin he and Xu Duoyan had bought earlier!

He stared at the pin, sent away long ago and never seen since, now appearing on another girl’s hair.

Cao Wen’s mood darkened as he watched, refusing to enter the room.

Xu Duoyan let Qiao Family’s Fourth pick fresh Huajiao from the dustpan.

The sight of the familiar hairpin made him raise an eyebrow, recalling the one under his pillow.

“My big brother bought these. My sister-in-law and I each have one,” Qiao Fourth said, touching her hairpin and wrinkling her nose.

“The style’s so ugly, I don’t know how my brother picked it—maybe the seller was tricking him because it’s meant for men.”

Xu Duoyan chuckled quietly, agreeing silently.

“Though Ah Yan doesn’t wear any hairpins, he’s naturally very pretty.”

Just then, a muffled thunderclap sounded outside.

Qiao Fourth glanced out.

“Ah, the rain’s coming. I didn’t want it to come so soon. I’d better take the Huajiao and head back.”

She quickly selected a few plump, fresh Huajiao branches and placed them in her basket.

Though in a hurry, the rain soon began to fall.

The Qiao Family wasn’t far—less than a quarter of an hour away.

Xu Duoyan had thought to wait until the rain stopped before leaving, but uncertain how long it would last, he worried his family might fret if he was late, and the roads would be worse after heavy rain.

Still, letting such a young girl travel alone in the rain troubled him.

He turned to find an umbrella and saw Cao Wen standing at the kitchen door, holding the dustpan.

He wondered what Cao Wen was waiting there for.

Xu Duoyan followed his gaze to Qiao Fourth inside the main room.

He pursed his lips, slightly annoyed, and nudged Cao Wen.

“Where’s the umbrella? I’ll take her back.”

“You’re going to take her?”

Cao Wen’s eyes widened, instinctively saying, “I’ll go—”

He stopped as Xu Duoyan gave him a scrutinizing look, causing him to shut up, knowing he had misspoken.

It wouldn’t be proper for him to escort her; if he did, her brothers would probably come looking for trouble immediately after.

Cao Wen threw the dustpan under the stove in frustration and stomped off to fetch an umbrella for Xu Duoyan.

Xu Duoyan frowned, thinking Cao Wen was just sulking because he couldn’t escort Qiao Fourth.

Annoyed, Xu Duoyan grabbed the umbrella first, determined to get her home safely and prevent Cao Wen from having another chance to gaze at her.

Qiao Family’s Fourth took the oil-paper umbrella Xu Duoyan brought and opened it under the eaves.

She stepped forward and slipped under the umbrella, wrapping her arm around Xu Duoyan’s like he was her mother.

“Thank you, Ah Yan,” she said.

Xu Duoyan was stunned, his umbrella hand frozen mid-air.

He turned to look at the little girl, half a head shorter than him, nestling close like a little bird.

Though he had no other thoughts, after pretending to be a woman for years, many girls had tried to get close, assuming he was female.

He always stayed silent and avoided them, keeping his distance.

Now, with this sudden closeness, he instinctively wanted to pull away, but given his current identity, he suppressed the urge.

He felt uncomfortable all over, his back stiffening and face flushing red.

He stared at Cao Wen under the eaves, noticing the suspicious color rising on his face.