Chi Qingya dragged the Plastic Bag downstairs, the soles of her shoes making a creak sound as they stuck to the steps.
More than a dozen pairs of eyes in the hallway pierced her back like hooks; she could even hear someone unable to stifle their snickering.
Beads of sweat slid down her temples and into her collar.
The foul-smelling soup in her hand dripped all along the way, making every step feel like walking on red-hot coals.
She felt so much regret. ‘Why didn’t I just take the trash with me when I left this morning?’ she thought.
‘If I had, I wouldn’t be dealing with their ridicule.’
She didn’t know if she should move out. She could already imagine the mocking looks the neighbors would give her whenever she returned in the future.
At the corner, a child wearing Crocs stuck out his tongue at her, suddenly raising a Toy gun and firing bang bang twice.
It was as if she were a heinous criminal and the child was the Hero punishing her.
Chi Qingya’s knees buckled, and she nearly fell.
As the plastic bullet whizzed past her ear, she caught a glimpse of the ink splattered on the back wall of her Junior High School Classroom.
That day, her Ink-stained School Uniform had just been ruined, and the others had mocked her just as they were doing now.
Clearly, she had done nothing wrong.
The sounds of laughter reminded Chi Qingya of scenes on TV where criminals were punished while onlookers pelted them with cabbage leaves and eggs.
‘But I’m clearly not a criminal…’
The mop an old woman had hung in the Hallway on the second floor was dripping.
The chill of the water hitting the back of her neck was exactly like the ice water someone had intentionally poured on her during her school chores years ago.
Her fingers gripped the Plastic Bag tighter and tighter, her nails digging into her palms through the plastic.
The sour, rotten smell mingled with the musty odor of the old Corridor, filling her nose.
Suddenly, she couldn’t tell if she was 23 or 13.
She didn’t understand why, after so many years of trying to climb out, she had simply fallen from one Deep Abyss into another.
She didn’t understand what she had done wrong.
A woman in the Hallway muttered “How unlucky” under her breath, and Chi Qingya ducked her head to quicken her pace.
The moment her yellowed canvas shoes slipped on an oil stain, the burst of laughter behind her startled the Sparrows on the power lines.
She wanted to escape. She wanted to flee this place! She wanted to run far, far away…
‘It wasn’t supposed to be like this,’ she thought. ‘I wasn’t like this before. I used to be so clean. Why did I become like this? When did it start?’
Chi Qingya felt her memory gradually blurring; she couldn’t remember.
The things she wanted to forget were branded into her mind, refusing to fade.
Yet the things she wanted to remember and recall were like sand gripped tightly in her hand — the tighter she squeezed, the more they slipped through her fingers.
The stairs seemed endless. She felt that no matter how she walked, she could not get out.
She gasped for air as scene after scene flashed through her mind: the backward, impoverished Small Mountain Village, the bumpy and muddy road to school, the dilapidated School, the Exercise Books her Parents had bought from the town, and the faded school uniform…
She blinked, feeling as if she had finally made it out, yet also as if she never had.
When Chi Qingya pushed open the unit door, the Sunlight made her squint.
The asphalt road was so hot the soles of her shoes felt soft.
She stumbled toward the Trash Can downstairs and threw the trash inside.
The moment the Trash Can lid slammed back into place, she vaguely remembered the dirty water bucket she had knocked over during her Junior High School chores.
Those laughs overlapped with the gossip in the Corridor, ringing in her ears.
The Sunlight felt like fine needles pricking her eyelids.
Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the Plastic Bag, sweat sliding into the gaps between her fingers.
The freezer at the corner store hummed with cold air.
The moment the Boss poked her head out, Chi Qingya hurriedly turned around, her head bumping against a rusted mailbox.
She blinked; there was no store, and no mailbox.
There were only the endless stairs and the sounds of laughter and accusations from the Hallway.
She had accidentally bumped into the charging station for an electric scooter.
The smell of rust mixed with the sour stench of trash entered her nose.
Chi Qingya stared at her distorted shadow on the asphalt.
The discussions and accusations in the Corridor continued to flood her mind.
She stood there in a daze, looking at the endless Hallway, her eyes filled with confusion.
She suddenly thought of the school uniform that had been stained with ink that year.
Even after washing the collar for 3 days, it was still stained. It could never be cleaned, just like the shame she couldn’t wash away now.
The Sunlight made the asphalt road glisten, yet she felt a chill down her back.
A call from a scrap collector echoed from the end of the alley.
Chi Qingya suddenly wished she could be stuffed into a sack and dragged away, sold by the pound along with her foul-smelling past.
She didn’t know how to go back. Her legs felt as heavy as lead.
In the past, she might have been able to act as if nothing had happened.
She would do what she needed to do and continue to immerse herself in her own world.
She only needed to work hard on her problems and study to escape her predicament and the life she didn’t want to live.
But now, she didn’t know what to do. She had no Exercise Books or Vocabulary Books in her hands; she had nothing.
She could imagine being scolded by the neighbors and the Landlord upon her return.
It was just like how she used to be bullied by other students, only for the Teacher to lecture her anyway.
The Teacher would even make her call her busy Parents over just to lecture them as well.
‘Maybe if I run away now and come back quietly later to pack my things, no one will notice? Even if my things are thrown out, I can just buy more.’
Chi Qingya stood there blankly, her steps heavy. She didn’t move forward, nor did she choose to run.
She simply stood there, staring into space. Her fists were clenched tight.
Even though the pain of her nails digging into her flesh stung, she didn’t snap out of it.
‘I must look so pathetic right now,’ she thought.
She missed her Father, her Mother, and her Younger Sister. She wanted to go Home.
But she didn’t want to return to that Small Mountain Village she despised so much.
She wanted to take her Family out of that place.
But she couldn’t even take care of herself, having no foothold in this vast City, let alone providing a place for her Family to stay.
She had been looking forward to seeing Su Li in the afternoon, wanting to apologize properly and even fantasizing that their relationship could be mended.
But at this moment, Chi Qingya was at a loss.
She didn’t dare face Su Li, and she was even more afraid of Su Li’s cold gaze.
She was terrified of Su Li seeing how pathetic she was right now…