Si Zhizuo did not back away any further.
I touched a corner of the rabbit ears on her pajamas; the softness beneath my fingertips began to calm my racing heart. ‘For a moment, I was truly afraid she would pull away again.’
Si Zhizuo curled into my chest, and her “little pearls” finally broke free, soaking my dress like raindrops.
“Mama, Zhizhi is begging you.”
“Can you please tell me?”
She looked up at me with tear-filled eyes, making my heart ache and soften all at once.
‘Su Liumeng was right. This is something only Si Zhizuo can do. Apart from her, no one can knock on the door to Si Xinyan’s heart — especially a heart that has already made its decision.’
Su Liumeng was the person who understood the stubbornness in Si Xinyan’s character best. Once she made up her mind, not even ten oxen could pull her back. Only her daughter could touch that softness in her heart; no matter what, she could never bring herself to be heartless toward her.
Su Liumeng had known this for a long time.
Pressing against my daughter’s cool little face and feeling the moisture on her cheeks, the world before me began to blur.
‘I’m not actually sad. It’s just that I can’t control my tear ducts. It’s as if the whole world is blurring before me, and my perception of everything else has weakened to the point of being negligible.’ As I held my daughter’s trembling body, my eyes quietly grew moist as well.
‘I don’t even know how to describe my state lately. It’s as if I’ve lost two of my three souls and six of my seven spirits. I’m a shell of myself.’
“Baby,” I softly called her name.
I hadn’t intended to share my inner thoughts with anyone. But seeing my daughter cry right in front of me… ‘No mother could see this and remain indifferent, right?’
“Zhizhi is always here.” Si Zhizuo pulled on my hand, her five tiny fingers just large enough to wrap around my thumb.
The young girl’s attachment to her mother was already written into her subconscious reactions.
“Do you want to hear about my concerns?” Looking at the clouds on the horizon, I pulled my daughter closer and sat down, letting her sit sideways on my lap.
“Yes, I want to hear them.” Si Zhizuo followed my gaze toward the clouds.
She didn’t understand why Mama looked at the sky every day, or what charms the sky held that could fascinate an adult so much. The little one didn’t have enough experience to grasp that question yet.
I hesitated for a moment. “It’s not that I don’t want to cultivate.”
“It’s just that the path ahead feels hopeless. No matter how much I cultivate, it’s hard to see a result. My spirit was crushed, and I simply became listless.”
Si Zhizuo caught a keyword and immediately pressed further. “Then what about the other things? Why don’t you want to do anything anymore?”
“I remember you weren’t like this before, Mama. You used to happily discuss how to use the dance machine with me, or talk excitedly about what marshmallows tasted like. You even promised that we’d try an even spicier hot pot together in the future.”
“But now, all the things you used to look forward to are gone.”
Si Zhizuo added, “I know you don’t go to school because you have to take care of me, but there are so many other things that don’t conflict with looking after me.”
She gripped my arm tightly, desperate for an answer.
I blanked for a moment. ‘I hadn’t expected her to want to know so much. I thought she only wanted to know why I wasn’t enthusiastic about cultivation. But now… she wants to know everything, doesn’t she?’
‘Can I really speak of the life-and-death separation of the future? She’s only a 1-year-old baby.’
‘Telling her the truth about the future so early… is it a bit too cruel? She could have grown up healthy and carefree. Instead, at just 1 year old, she’s being forced to face the immense pressure of the future ahead of time.’
For her — or for any child — it was unfair. ‘I don’t have the ability to ensure my daughter enjoys more blessings than others, so I shouldn’t let her bear even greater pressure. This is my only bit of selfishness as a mother.’
“Mama, please tell me.” Seeing my silence again, the tears Si Zhizuo had just stopped were about to pour out once more.
‘I’m the most susceptible to this move.’ The moment I saw her cry, my heart would panic, and I’d stop caring about anything else.
“Zhizhi wants to know,” she said piteously, looking at me.
I wanted to look away sternly, but the trembling in my eyes had already betrayed my true emotions. ‘I still can’t be heartless.’
“Because…”
I opened my mouth, but a thousand words turned into something obscure, leaving me unsure of how to explain it clearly.
Heartache spread from deep within my chest like a spiderweb. The pain of life-and-death separation resurfaced. Even as a mother, I couldn’t bear it, let alone a 1-year-old girl.
“Because… I want to spend more time with you…” I closed my eyes, bearing the sadness and tears alone. Dewdrops had already gathered on my trembling eyelashes.
The girl’s fragile, almost broken figure was exceptionally clear against the backdrop of the blue sky and white clouds.
The sunlight wasn’t as warm as usual. I felt as if I were falling into an ice cellar; my whole body was chilled to the bone.
Si Zhizuo tried to warm me with her tiny body. She was the person who hated seeing her mother sad the most.
Seeing Si Xinyan look as if she might break, a grief that words could not describe filled her heart. Her whole body swayed. The emotional connection between mother and daughter made her feel as though she were drowning in a sea of despair. Images from her dreams, which had felt like premonitions, began to replay in her mind once again.
Before Si Zhizuo could even speak, her face was already covered in tears.
“You can spend time with me whenever you want. Why does it have to be related to those things?” Si Zhizuo bit her lip. In truth, a vague answer already existed in her heart; she just couldn’t quite put it into words yet.
I sighed and wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes. I tightened my grip on my daughter’s arm, as if afraid she would vanish from my side in the next second.
‘I’m undergoing an intense inner struggle. Once I speak, it will mean making my daughter face the cruel reality as well. I’ve never shown my selfish or cold side to Si Zhizuo.’
“What you say makes sense. It’s just that I’ve lost my spirit, and I don’t want to do anything anymore.”
“And the specific… reason?” Si Zhizuo bit her lip. Her small canine teeth, just like Si Xinyan’s, were sharp enough to be visible.
As she bit down, she tasted a hint of blood and rust belonging to the Ghost Emperor.
I fell silent once more.
Si Zhizuo suddenly let go of my hand. Her fists clenched bit by bit, her tiny fingers tightening until her pale pink fingertips turned white.
Images she could already guess at filled her mind, making it hard for her to breathe. She was beginning to experience the agony that tormented her mother day and night — the future and the pain that Si Xinyan could not accept. Si Zhizuo was personally feeling a fraction… of the boundless despair in her mother’s heart.