I squatted in front of the vegetable patch, staring blankly at the pitch-black soil.
‘When exactly will they take root and sprout?’
The idea of planting vegetables had been a sudden whim. Perhaps I would be leaving the Su family soon. ‘When that time comes, can I pack up the entire vegetable garden and take it with me?’
I rubbed my jade bracelet, my gaze becoming increasingly hollow, as if I were a lifeless doll.
Si Zhiruo was currently eating a small bun. Many of her milk teeth had already grown in, though her back molars hadn’t developed yet, so she could only nibble using the tiny, sharp points in the front.
Taking her first bite of the chubby meat bun, she could only break through the outermost layer of the skin. She blew gently on the rising steam. When she finally reached the meat filling, her large eyes immediately lit up.
It was delicious.
Her gaze searched the courtyard, looking for Si Xinyan to share the delicacy she had just discovered. Soon, she locked onto the figure standing in front of the small vegetable garden. Clutching her bun, she hopped and skipped closer.
“Mom.”
“I’m eating something really delicious. Do you want to try some?”
My tiny daughter, dressed in adorable rabbit pajamas, came flying toward me.
Hearing the commotion, the color returned to my eyes. I reached out to catch my daughter as she lunged at me, my expression somewhat helpless. ‘Why does she still act like she hasn’t grown up at all?’
I stared at the milk teeth in her mouth that hadn’t fully grown in yet. I silently retracted my previous thought.
“For… for Mom to eat,” Si Zhiruo said, her eyes shining.
I took the small bun she had been clutching tightly and took a gentle bite along the edge. The taste was indeed quite good. The juices were fresh without being greasy, and it even had a slightly spicy kick. It was exactly the flavor I liked most.
“How is it? Is it good?” the little one asked expectantly.
“It’s very delicious.” I returned the small bun, which now had two gaps in it, to her. “The rest is for the baby to eat.”
I didn’t particularly enjoy eating after a meal. Even the snacks I used to love no longer interested me lately.
Si Zhiruo looked at the small bun tucked back into her arms, her gaze slightly dazed. ‘Mom should have liked it. Why is it back in my hands?’
Oh, right.
She suddenly remembered that her mother wasn’t interested in anything anymore, so why would she eat more after a meal?
A hint of struggle suddenly appeared in her eyes. Recalling Su Liumeng’s words, her tiny shoulders felt as though they were carrying a burden of 1,000 pounds, constantly urging her forward. She had to find an opportunity to ask. What could she do to bring up the topic naturally?
Suddenly, her beautiful eyes lit up. She grabbed the sleeve of the young woman who was about to stand up and called out in a soft, milky voice, “Mom, why haven’t you been cultivating lately?”
“Didn’t you tell Zhizhi that you wanted to become an expert that no one could defeat, so you could stand in front of Zhizhi and protect her?”
My expression froze.
Protect my daughter?
‘Are you sure… you’re talking about me?’
How was I supposed to answer that? I had indeed spoken such grand words once. However, reality only teaches you the meaning of cruelty over and over again. No matter how stunning one’s talent is, if they miss the optimal period for cultivation, even their best efforts will only amount to so much.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried. But what was the result? Even if I hadn’t served as a cultivation vessel for Su Liumeng, I would only be at Level 4 right now. And then what? That was a result I had achieved through shortcuts.
From that point on, it would only get harder. I could already clearly feel the difficulty of my cultivation. Before a person grows up, there is a mass of Innate Qi inside the body. Once you fail to grasp the optimal period, you will waste your talent just like I did.
Even if I could force myself to continue cultivating, my physical constitution would decline significantly by the time I reached 60 years old. After that, trying to advance would be harder than reaching the heavens.
Could I reach the Self Realm within 40 years of cultivation? The answer was basically impossible.
Looking at all the powerhouses in the current cultivation world, almost all of them stepped into the Self Realm before the age of 60. Only by doing so could they slightly mitigate the deficiency of blood and Qi that comes with aging. Even so, their breakthroughs would still be affected.
Take the former Great Elder as an example; it would only become increasingly difficult for him to advance to a Source Level expert because his body was weakening year after year. Unless time was rewound to before he was 120, there might be a sliver of hope.
Those in the Self Realm can live for 200 years. Being 120 is equivalent to the threshold of old age for a regular person. Once the prime of youth is missed, it is basically impossible to break through later.
When a young person’s ambitions fade, all that remains is the helpless, bitter smile of facing reality.
I suppose I have been defeated by reality. Just like Yu Gong moving mountains or Jingwei filling the sea, I am facing endless obstacles while only standing at the very first step. How could I not feel despair?
I looked at my daughter calmly, my eyes filled with emotions she couldn’t understand.
‘Baby.’
‘I want to cultivate too.’
‘However, reality has already become like this.’
‘What else can I do?’
‘Please forgive your useless mother…’
“Mhm, I will work hard at my cultivation.” I hid the bitterness in my eyes, only to see the little one still stubbornly clutching my sleeve.
‘Was my dismissal that obvious?’
I was beginning to realize that the more she grew, the harder she was to deal with.
Si Zhiruo pouted, looking like she was about to cry.
“Mom, you’re not allowed to brush me off.” Si Zhiruo was frantic. When she got anxious, it was easy for her to cry. She gave a hard sniff to keep her “little pearls” from falling on the spot. “Zhizhi is talking to you very seriously about this. Please answer me directly.”
“You clearly can cultivate. There are so many things you can do, but you just don’t want to do anything. All day long, you’re either staring at the sky or squatting in front of the vegetable garden staring at seeds.”
It was a bit too depressing.
“Can you tell your daughter… what exactly are you worried about?”
She had finally asked for the answer she wanted most. She had to know the reason why her mother had lost all her vitality.
I remained silent for a long time.
In the end, I simply took my daughter’s small hand and avoided the subject. “I’m a little tired.”
“Come back with me.”
Si Zhiruo acted as if she were welded to the spot. No matter how I pulled her forward, she refused to move a single step. Seeing this, I had no choice but to squat down, intending to pick her up.
To my surprise, the little one actually took a step back. She stared at the hurt in my eyes, enduring her own heartache as she pressed further. “Are there things that even your daughter isn’t allowed to hear?”
I opened my mouth. “I… I just don’t know how to explain it clearly.” ‘What use would it be to say it? It would only make two more people sad.’
How could I describe the things I had seen 100 years into the future? I was the one and only Destiny Stone of all eternity. I controlled the true power of miracles in this world. Even though I had lost my physical form, my sixth sense would not be wrong.
I am Destiny. But Destiny does not belong to me.
Si Zhiruo looked deep into her mother’s calm emotions and saw the sadness leaking out bit by bit. This was her mother’s truest feeling. The little one’s heart throbbed with pain in response.
She suddenly found herself unable to understand. What could possibly happen to make her mother this sad? It had even begun to indirectly affect her own emotions.
‘Could it be?’
‘Is this the root of the problem Mom has been worried about?’
I remained squatting on the ground. A cold breeze brushed past my ankles. My thin white dress was bunched at my knees, unable to block the winter chill. It felt just like my blood, which was turning cold bit by bit.
Zhizhi stood slightly in front of me. I slowly reached my arm forward, wanting to get a little closer to her. Yet, I was afraid she would dodge my touch again.
My slender, pale fingers seemed frozen in midair.