That conversation about their birthdays, the one where they bared their hearts to each other, had already happened five years ago without them realizing it.
“Xu Duyan, if you’ve really loved me all this time, why are you only telling me now?”
That day, Su Ziyan had asked the same question again.
And just like before, Xu Duyan still didn’t give him the answer that would make Su Ziyan stop running away and finally be with her.
After all, even Su Ziyan himself didn’t know what the perfect answer to that question was. The moment the question left his mouth, everything had already become irreversible.
Faced with a question that had no good answer and Su Ziyan’s resolute rejection afterward, Xu Duyan chose a completely different way to respond.
Since there was no good answer, she decided not to answer it at all. In the end, Xu Duyan chose to play dirty.
She desperately and pathologically demanded Su Ziyan’s body for an entire day, even though he had only just started to recover. At the end, she gripped his neck and said to him:
“It doesn’t matter anymore. No matter what you say, I won’t let you go. We have to stay together forever. If we stop loving each other, then we’ll torment each other for the rest of our lives.”
It was clearly not a good choice.
But the two of them continued down that path anyway.
Just as Xu Duyan had expected, Su Ziyan turned into a wreck. He became increasingly irritable and insecure, often getting jealous over the strangest things, throwing tantrums, and making their daily life full of arguments.
To stay with Su Ziyan, Xu Duyan would be home in the mornings and only go out to handle various jobs in the evenings. The lack of sleep and rest made her equally irritable and quick-tempered.
As expected, after Su Ziyan’s repeated unreasonable outbursts, she could no longer maintain the complete patience she had promised. She became someone who argued with the now-broken Su Ziyan every single day.
The intensity of their fights grew sharper with time—starting with one-sided outbursts, then verbal arguments, and eventually escalating to physical confrontations.
Almost everything in the house had been smashed by the two of them. The home in Su Ziyan’s memories had become something entirely different.
In the past, no matter what happened between them, they would always make up. The two of them would sit together on the sofa, watching TV and eating… but they could no longer do that.
The television had been destroyed during one of their arguments and was never replaced.
They also no longer made up by sharing a simple dinner together.
Their way of reconciling had become even more extreme: after fighting until they could no longer speak, they would have intense sex on the sofa.
Because of how their personalities had changed, their relationship was now filled with violence.
Every time afterward, both of them would be covered in bruises and marks, yet they never grew tired of it.
Unexpectedly, their relationship had truly become exactly what Xu Duyan had said back then. Whether they loved or no longer loved each other, the two of them were tightly bound together, tormenting one another.
This kind of life continued until a month ago. After they finished having sex once again, the two of them sat on the sofa smoking cigarettes together.
That day, Xu Duyan suddenly asked,
“Su Ziyan, do you hate me?”
Because of their constant arguments, they had long since stopped using any affectionate terms and simply called each other by their full names.
“Yeah, I hate you. How could I not hate you?”
Su Ziyan took a deep drag from the cigarette that his elder sister had just lit for him and flicked the ash straight onto the floor.
“Why do we have to torment each other like this in such a sick way? Does this really make us happy?”
“It doesn’t make me happy. I’m unhappy every day now,” Xu Duyan said softly. “But I still want it this way. If I don’t have you, I’ll go crazy.”
Su Ziyan fell silent. He didn’t know how to respond to her.
That was right. Nowadays the two of them fought as if they wanted to kill each other and hated each other just as fiercely, but neither could bear to lose the other.
Their current relationship was less like parasitism and more like a sick, twisted symbiosis.
“Then do you still love me?”
After the silence, Xu Duyan’s voice reached Su Ziyan’s ears once more. Without even thinking, he answered: “Of course I love you. Why would you ask such a pointless question? Even though I hate you, that doesn’t stop me from loving you.”
“Then let me ask you this…”
Xu Duyan continued.
“Do you still love me the same way you did before? Tell me the truth.”
“Tell the truth, huh…”
Su Ziyan rubbed his temples with a headache.
“The truth is, even though I still love you, it doesn’t feel as strong as it used to.”
Over the years, their love had been fierce and earth-shattering. They had loved each other to the point of death and hated each other to the point of death. It never seemed like something that would ever settle into something ordinary.
But when even this explosive daily life became their new normal, did that also count as a kind of ordinary?
It probably did. Just like the news stories about people who could calmly smoke outside the door while their wife was cheating on them—something that would seem insane to others had simply become their everyday routine.
Su Ziyan thought about it and nodded.
“Me too,” Xu Duyan replied.
“I suddenly realized I don’t love you as much as I used to either. I’m so scared…”
Su Ziyan reached out and pulled Xu Duyan, who was sitting right beside him, into his arms.
Feeling her body tremble, he suddenly said:
“Let’s die together in a suicide pact.”
Even Su Ziyan himself was startled when he said those words, but he didn’t take them back.
Because he suddenly felt that it wouldn’t be so bad.
After all, their current days were chaotic and filled with despair, with no end in sight. It really seemed like there was no beautiful future left for the two of them.
As expected, after hearing his words, Xu Duyan’s body stopped trembling. She thought for a moment and then agreed.
She had been thinking the same thing.
So, just like that, the two of them casually decided on their suicide pact.
The day would be one month later—New Year’s Day.
After all, it was supposed to be a passionate and beautiful day.
The days after making the decision passed quickly. One month flew by in the blink of an eye.
On New Year’s Day, the sound of fireworks and firecrackers filled the air outside. Every household had turned on all their lights—except theirs.
Su Ziyan and Xu Duyan lay in bed in each other’s arms, waiting for the medicine to take effect.
The phone on the nightstand was playing Andy Lau’s “Gong Xi Fa Cai.”
Xu Duyan had put it on, saying it would give the night more of a festive feel. Su Ziyan had agreed.
New Year’s should have that festive spirit, after all. It was supposed to be such a lively day.
As time passed, Xu Duyan suddenly said,
“It’s almost midnight. Should we listen to the bell ringing?”
Su Ziyan said yes, but they quickly realized that as their consciousness grew hazy, their bodies could no longer move.
“Looks like we won’t be able to hear the bell. Is there anything else you want to say at the end?”
Xu Duyan wanted to say “I love you,” but after so many fights, even those simple and obvious words had become difficult to speak.
In the end, she could only force herself to turn her head. Using the light from the fireworks outside the window to look at Su Ziyan’s profile, she said softly:
“Happy New Year, Su Ziyan.”
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