Chapter 85:Is It Okay? (3)

“Shihyun!”

When I shouted like that, Shihyun was already running far into the distance.

It was my fault.  

Anyone would be terrified if you suddenly showed them an urn with their name on it.  

Adding the fact that I’d called them someone I “liked” only made it worse—it couldn’t help but come across with a strange nuance.  

I had resolved myself to accept it if Shihyun left my side, but I had been far too complacent.  

No, it wasn’t just complacency—it was cowardice.  

I was too scared to explain things in advance, worried that Shihyun wouldn’t even come this far if I did, so I had cowardly dragged her here without any explanation.  

It was too impulsive.  

Everything that happened today was entirely impulsive.  

I had originally planned to give her the gift on her birthday.  

While I’d bought it on the date I remembered as her birthday, I could’ve chosen a better time to give it to her.  

But last night, on impulse, I grabbed the gift.  

And I brought it with me to work and ended up giving it to her.  

I even helped her put it around her neck right then and there.  

Shihyun liked it. She seemed to really like the necklace.  

If it had stopped there, maybe it would’ve been fine.  

Even when I burst into tears, if I had just managed to gloss it over somehow, maybe it would’ve been fine.  

Shihyun wouldn’t have realized that I was overlapping her with someone else from my memories.  

And she wouldn’t have been so shocked.  

Moreover…  

There were countless complex reasons behind Shihyun’s reaction. It wasn’t just because her name overlapped with that other person’s.  

She might have been horrified by the endless possibilities that name brought to mind.  

Thinking “It’s okay if Shihyun rejects me” was just my personal rationalization.  

There was no way Shihyun could’ve read my thoughts.  

To her, this was probably just something incredibly creepy.  

“Ha… ha…”

I was out of breath.  

Despite how she looked, Shihyun seemed to have remarkable stamina.  

Before I could do anything, she had run far enough to disappear from my sight.  

Honestly, I just wanted to collapse right then and there.  

I wanted to find some corner to bury my head, fall over, and sleep it all away…  

…But even if I did, it wouldn’t solve anything.  

This was something I had to deal with entirely on my own.  

Shihyun was an adult, so even if she disappeared like that, she’d be fine.  

But still…  

I wanted to spend just a little more time with her.  

…The fact that the reason wasn’t simply because I liked her anymore…  

stabbed at my heart.  

*

After leaving the columbarium, I felt completely lost about what to do next.  

Running away from my sister was an act of cowardice.  

It was my fault the situation had turned out this way in the first place.  

I had wanted her to look at me and remember the person I used to be.  

I thought that by getting closer to her, little by little, we could… if possible… build a relationship where we could stay together.  

I had hoped she would come to like me.  

But now that I had confirmed how deeply she hadn’t been able to let go of me, I was terrified and running away.  

What would she think of me?  

I should have said something, anything to keep the conversation going.  

At the very least, I should have stopped walking when she called my name.  

What was I even planning to do by running away?  

A voice in the back of my head murmured again.  

“It’s all your fault. Do you think running away will solve anything?”  

Those thoughts made my steps gradually slow down.  

But even so, the fear inside me hadn’t disappeared.  

Not when I faced the Demon King’s army on the battlefield.  

Not even when I stood before the Demon King for the final time, ready to sacrifice my own life.  

Never had I felt fear as overwhelming as this.  

I had caused my sister and my mother so much pain—wounds so deep they’d never fade, no matter how much time passed.  

How could I apologize?  

How could I make amends?  

How could I possibly help them completely forget the pain I caused?  

The more I thought about it, the more hopeless it all seemed.  

It was probably impossible.  

A mother losing her child.  

A person watching someone they loved die horribly before their eyes.  

Nothing could ever truly erase such memories.  

That truth weighed down on me like a crushing burden.  

My sister must have been so hurt.  

For her to open her heart and share that story with me, only for me to turn my back and run away from her kindness…  

And so, as I stood there in a daze…..  

Something hit me hard, snapping my thoughts. My vision wavered, tilting forward.  

Still, I managed not to fall. By instinct, I put one foot slightly forward to steady myself.  

I must have been so absorbed in my thoughts about my sister that I didn’t notice what was happening around me.  

“Shihyun.”  

My sister’s voice came from right behind me. She was panting for breath.  

Had she run after me?  

For a moment, I almost blurted out, ‘Noona.’  

But I quickly shut my mouth and composed myself. Then, slowly, I spoke.  

“…Unnie.”  

“Wait, wait just a moment. Let’s talk. Please.”  

As she said that, she tightened her arms around my waist.  

Truthfully, the strength in her arms wasn’t that strong.  

If I wanted to, I could easily push her away…  

But I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to.  

The warmth of her touch radiated into my back.  

“I-I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”  

She had no reason to apologize.  

From her perspective, I was just a stranger—someone entirely unrelated to the “Cha Shihyun” she knew.  

Sure, we had the same name.  

But our genders were different. Our appearances were different. Even our birthdays didn’t match.  

Even if our personalities or mannerisms seemed similar, that alone couldn’t make us the “same person.”  

And yet, she clung to me like this.  

Just how…how desperate must she have been?  

“….”  

After clearing my throat for a moment, I opened my mouth and spoke slowly.  

“Yes. Let’s talk.”  

*

The next place we headed to was a café.  

There was actually a café near the columbarium, but both of us needed a bit more time.  

Had we walked for about ten minutes?  

Without saying a word, we walked side by side, and, as if it were unspoken agreement, stepped into the first café that caught our eye.  

My sister and I sat facing each other in a quiet corner of the café.  

Unlike the chill outside, the inside was warm.  

Each of us had a cup of hot coffee in front of us, but neither of us spoke for a while.  

Both she and I were choosing our words carefully.  

What should we say? How should we say it?  

It didn’t feel like a good idea for me to be the one to speak first.  

The difference between what would happen if I misspoke versus if she misspoke was too vast.  

“That… Cha Shihyun, the kid you mentioned…”  

After some time, my sister seemed to steady herself and slowly opened her mouth to speak.  

“He’s… someone I love.”  

“What do you mean by… love?”  

At my question, she drew in a small breath and said,  

“I love him. Still. Even after he left this world, I’ve never once been able to forget him.”  

“……”  

Her words hit me with a far greater impact than I could have imagined.  

If it had been about another man, I wouldn’t have felt this paralyzed.

Sure, my mouth would have tasted bitter, and my chest would’ve ached like it was being torn apart, but that would have been it. I might’ve tried to convince myself that this outcome was inevitable.  

But these words…  

They were directed at me.  

Even though she didn’t know, the Cha Shihyun she was talking about and I were the same person.  

So for her to talk about my past like this, sitting right in front of me, was essentially a confession directed at me.  

How twisted I must be, even by my own standards.  

Not long ago, I had been drowning in guilt because of her words, blaming myself for everything.  

And yet now, hearing her say this, my heart was racing with joy.  

Of course, the guilt hadn’t disappeared entirely. It still weighed heavily on my chest.  

But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel hope.  

I clenched my lips shut.  

If I opened my mouth now, I’d probably end up spilling everything about myself to her and finishing with.

“I like you too.”  

But just moments ago, we had visited… my own urn.  

Even though my soul was here, undeniable proof that I was dead still existed, just a ten-minute walk from here.  

And she had been the most direct witness to my death.  

If I said something now, it would sound like nothing more than a cruel joke.  

That thought alone made my vision go dark again.  

…Like that, my emotions kept rising and falling with every word she said.  

Ah, I realized just how much I loved her.  

Perhaps the reason I fought so hard against the Demon King’s army in that other world was because I thought that once it was all over, I could return here.  

…Maybe the reason I said we should help others live better in this world was because I couldn’t bring myself to admit the real reason.  

“And I…”  

She continued, hesitating before drawing a deep breath.  

Then, with great difficulty, she added, one word at a time:  

“I think I see… him in you.”