My mind went blank.
I had imagined this before. It was one of the possibilities I had considered on my way here.
At one point, it was even something I dreamed of.
That my sister liked me. That she had feelings for me.
But as the coward I was, I never managed to confess my feelings to her. Even though I was constantly nervous that she might leave my side someday, I kept putting it off, thinking
‘A little later. Just a little later…’
I told myself that once I had grown up a bit more, once I became an adult, I would tell her how I felt.
It wasn’t something completely unimaginable.
She was always kind to me and spent so much time with me. She held my hand so casually as we wandered from place to place. Even when Yuri teased me playfully, she never let go of my hand.
With her warm hand in mine, my heart was always racing.
Yes, I had wondered, maybe.
If she didn’t like me, would she go this far? At least, from what I saw, she didn’t treat other guys the same way.
I remember waiting for her outside her university. Actually, I did it quite a few times.
Unlike middle school or high school, a university was different. Its gates were wide open, and anyone could walk in without much suspicion.
It made sense; after all, universities don’t have uniforms, so there was no clear way to distinguish students from non-students.
At first, I felt a little embarrassed, but after a few visits, I realized no one really paid attention, and I grew bolder.
Even so, I never ventured as far as the building where her department was located. That felt a bit too much. There were subtle glances that made me uneasy, so I kept my distance.
When her class ended, she rarely came out alone. It was natural for someone as kind and beautiful as her to be popular.
Sometimes, she came out with Yuri, other times with her female classmates, chatting cheerfully.
Occasionally, she’d emerge with male classmates who tried to strike up a conversation.
But I noticed something when she was with her female friends, she seemed at ease. With the guys, though, there was an awkwardness about her.
Usually, the guy would be the one talking, and she’d respond with a slightly forced smile.
Whenever our eyes met in those moments, she would wave brightly and come over to me.
The guys who had been trying so hard to talk to her would usually shuffle away awkwardly after that.
It happened a few times, and eventually, no guys followed her out anymore.
Still, there weren’t many days when I could be there. I had school, after all. Only when she stayed late could I meet her like that… After doing this for three years, word spread in her department.
Of course, I wasn’t deterred by the rumors and kept showing up. And every time she saw me, she would greet me with a radiant smile.
Later, I heard from Yuri that she was the one who spread the rumors.
…I was able to keep doing it for those three years because I liked her that much.
I liked her. For a long time.
From the earliest memory I had of her, until now, I’d always liked her.
And now, I finally knew for sure that she liked me too.
Ah, come to think of it, Yuri also worked hard to bring the two of us together. She must have known all along how we felt.
In the end, though, we had to part ways without reaching a happy ending.
“……”
She held my hand silently and led me along. I followed her quietly.
We passed by walls lined with windows, each of which contained a white porcelain figure.
In front of some porcelain urns, there were toys. In front of others, there were snacks, cigarettes, alcohol, or flowers.
They were probably the things that the people interred here had liked during their lifetimes.
As we walked between the walls, my sister suddenly stepped into a narrow space between two walls.
She stopped in front of one of the walls.
Slowly, she let go of my hand. Even after her hand slipped away, my fingers lingered in the air for a moment before dropping to my side.
She bent down slowly, kneeling on the cold marble floor.
Even as she knelt, her gaze stayed on a name etched at chest level.
Cha Shihyun.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t bring myself to kneel beside her. I froze, standing there, as she looked up at me.
“…He’s…”
She started to speak but paused mid-sentence. She closed her mouth, then tried again, her voice strained.
“He’s the person I love.”
With that, she turned her gaze back to the spot where I was interred. Slowly, she raised her hand and placed it against the glass.
Behind the white porcelain urn with my name etched on it, there was a small picture frame. Inside, a photo of my former self smiled brightly.
…It was my graduation photo.
In the photo, I was grinning, blissfully unaware of what was to come.
There was a faint trace of someone’s shoulder next to me in the photo. Was it my sister’s? My mother’s? I couldn’t remember clearly. Both of them had taken pictures with me that day.
That must be the version of me frozen in her memories.
Someone must have visited recently; a single flower was propped against the urn.
“……”
What could I say?
A flood of thoughts came to me but quickly sank back into the depths of my mind. I couldn’t think of anything that could possibly comfort her.
It had been five years.
Five whole years.
In all that time, she hadn’t forgotten me. She hadn’t just remembered me—she had kept loving me.
What could I possibly say to someone like that?
Was I even the person she loved? The one she loved was inside that urn. The me standing here now was someone reborn after my death. I was still me, but… even if she somehow learned the truth about who I was, would I still be the same person she had loved back then?
I was happy that she remembered me. When I came back to this world, it had filled me with joy to know that there were people who hadn’t forgotten me.
But… what if those memories only caused them pain? What if I had become a shackle that kept them from moving forward?
“Did I surprise you?”
Her voice trembled noticeably as she carefully looked up at me.
She hadn’t done anything wrong. If there was a mistake, then maybe…
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.”
“I…”
I opened my mouth, feeling like I had to say something. But once again, I couldn’t find the right words.
…Yes, this thought had crossed my mind before.
If she hadn’t completely forgotten me, if she still missed me even a little…
I thought I might slowly approach her again, taking the place where I had once been.
And though it was a faint hope, I dreamed that maybe, just maybe, we could become what I had always wanted us to be.
When my sister saw me as a complete superimposition of my past self, I thought, I might be able to reveal that I am me, or so I thought.
That-
How selfish of me to think that.
When she said she remembered me, she meant that she hadn’t forgotten me after five years.
It wasn’t that hard to imagine, when you think about it.
I had died in front of her eyes.
How could she forget that?
Do you ever think about what happened right after I died?
Did I ever think about what happened right after I died, that I never saw it, that I never felt it, that I just let it pass without thinking about it?
I was hit by a big truck.
My body must have gone flying high.
I’m sure my body flew high, and I was already bleeding all over the place, and my body just plummeted to the ground.
Thud, thud, thud.
Maybe something popped out. Maybe something was cut and torn off somewhere.
My sister is…….
My mom,
was definitely there.
I think I heard screams.
Perhaps, they both saw me as I was, as I was.
In the photo, I was smiling, unwaveringly. It was the happiest day of my life.
Maybe, for my mom, who was feeling a little better, and for my sister, who was able to go to school with me, her favorite, from then on.
That happy moment would become the worst time of my life.
-When I passed away, I left it all to the two of them. No sorrow, no regret.
My hands trembled.
“……Shihyun?”
She looked up at me, wide-eyed, as if she could see my hand.
What must my face have looked like?
She quickly jumped to her feet.
“Sihyeon, wait.”
She held out her hand.
Without realizing it, I took a step back, avoiding her hand.
“……Shihyun?”
In her voice, I could hear the strength draining out of her.
I felt sick to my stomach. My vision was shaky, and I couldn’t see her properly.
Oh, no.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
It looks like you’re rejecting her.
But – but – but
Still.
In my head, a million thoughts jumbled together. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say, how I’m supposed to act here.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything.
I’m out of breath.
Hesitantly, I take one step backward, then another,
and at one point, I think I spun around.
Next thing I know, I’m just running like crazy.
Shihyun, do it.
I think my sister shouted.