My heart raced like crazy.
I was scared that the sound of it might be loud enough for the older sister sitting across from me to hear.
To be honest, I already had some idea.
She was always watching me closely as I drank my coffee, observing every little expression. Whenever I winced, it was as if something clicked in her mind, and she’d stare at me intently.
Sometimes, she’d see me smile and fall into a dazed expression.
Other times, she’d call my name absentmindedly, only to flinch as if startled.
…..Or she’d give me a birthday gift meant for someone entirely different from ‘Cha Shihyun’ the identity I currently held.
Today was my birthday.
Not the one engraved on the ID for appearances, but the actual day I was born.
…To be honest, thinking that date still matters might be a mistake.
In a way, I’ve been reborn twice already.
But even so……..
That day was the day I was born and met my mom for the first time.
I don’t remember my father, but whenever I was with Mom, I was happy.
And because I had Mom, I got to meet her my sister.
Because I had my mom and because I met my sister, I didn’t give up on life.
I didn’t end up hating myself.
If I’d been born into a wealthier family, If I’d been born in a country with better welfare,
I might’ve been born into a completely different world.
But no matter where I was born, I wouldn’t be me. The people I love wouldn’t exist.
The place I think of as my hometown isn’t just a damp semi-basement apartment; it’s that neighborhood of red brick buildings clustered together. The one where my sister and my mom lived.
The reason I was able to feel attached to all of that is because I was born here.
The day I started to meet everything precious to me was that day.
That’s why I didn’t want to forget my birthday.
“So…”
I opened my mouth. My voice trembled terribly as it escaped.
“…..”
But I had nothing to say after that. What should I even say?
Would it be okay to say something like, It’s all right? That wouldn’t make sense, coming from me especially since I had just run away from her not long ago.
And besides…
“I’m sorry. You might get angry after hearing what I’m about to say…”
“It’s okay.”
At her words, I nodded and spoke as steadily as I could.
I tried my best to compose my expression, so she wouldn’t feel burdened while she spoke.
As much as possible, I wanted to keep a calm demeanor while listening to her.
That was all I could do for now.
“…I didn’t see you like this from the beginning. When I first met you… I couldn’t say I really understood you, so I didn’t think much of it.”
…..
“To be honest, I thought… you looked a bit pitiful.”
Her eyes, as she looked at me, were filled with sadness.
“You seemed like a kid who was carrying some kind of wound.”
“…”
Back then, I had only recently crossed over to this world. I was filled with a sense of loss.
I believed I would never see my comrades again, and I never thought I’d be able to get this close to her again.
“Maybe, when you first said you wanted to work part-time, the reason I accepted was out of pity… I know I’m in no position to say this, but back then, it was out of a desire to help.”
It was such a sisterly way of thinking. I knew she wouldn’t be the type to just stand by when someone was in trouble.
“When I first heard your name was Cha Shihyun, I was shocked. It’s the same name as someone I care about. But… you’re a girl, right?
And you’re a different age, live in a different place, and even have different hobbies. So at first, I just thought, ‘Wow, someone has the same name. That’s interesting.’ That was it.”
Certainly, I’ve changed over the past five years. I used to be the kind of person who avoided being active, but now I exercise every morning, and I spend my days training with my colleagues.
Of course, compared to what I’ve done over the past five years, the intensity is minimal. It’s nothing more than jogging and stretching—things anyone could do.
Still, it was something I never would have done in the past.
“But… the more time I spend with you, the more I keep seeing that person in you. I don’t know why. Every little action, every little expression…..it keeps reminding me of the Shihyun I knew.
I’ve tried to steady my heart because, no matter how similar you are, you’re not the same Shihyun I knew.”
“………”
“At first, I tried to deny it, but no. You are so much like her. If it’s just a coincidence, then it’s the strangest one, but as time went on, I became certain. Your smile resembles hers. The way you talk, the way you act. Even the foods you like. If you were much younger, and I had spent much more time since… I might have thought you were her reincarnation.”
It sounded like a joke, but her expression was dead serious.
…Reincarnation.
When I thought about it, it didn’t sound so wrong, so I just listened in silence with a serious look on my face.
“So…”
She lowered her head slightly.
Her gaze fell on the coffee cup in front of her. The cup was still warm, and steam was rising from it.
The coffee still gave off a fragrant aroma. It even seemed to have a faint hint of fruit.
“Yes, it’s been five years already. Five years since she died. Someone might say to me, ‘Are you still not over it?’ They might tell me I need to move on and overcome it.”
“…….”
If the roles were reversed, could I have done it? Could I have overcome the pain of losing her? Could I have accepted her death, left the past in the past, and walked my own path?
No, I definitely wouldn’t have been able to.
Maybe 20 or 30 years later, it would be different. But for me, five years… five years was far too short to forget her.
That’s why I came back like this.
With the excuse that I wouldn’t break the lives of those I loved by forcing them to remember or overcome me.
“But I…”
She bit her lower lip slightly, then looked up at me again.
Her eyes were full of determination.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Y-Yes…”
“I know I need to overcome it. Of course, I don’t want to forget, but if I want to live on, I need to become stronger.”
“…Yes.”
Her forgetting me would be heartbreakingly painful.
But if those memories were to keep tormenting her, then I could let her go. I couldn’t say I’d do it gladly, but I could do it, dragging my feet, begrudgingly leaving, glancing back over and over again.
Still—
That resolve shattered completely with what she said next.
“But, being with you, I realized something. I still… need Shihyun. I know this might be uncomfortable for you to hear. I also know it’s incredibly selfish of me to say.”
It’s not uncomfortable.
I don’t care if it’s selfish.
No, I hoped it would be selfish.
That’s what I thought.
“Since you started working at our bakery, my life has changed a lot. Before, I just lived mechanically, commuting between work and home. But now, I look forward to tomorrow, and I feel joy in working. I genuinely enjoy the time I get to spend talking with you…”
“…I know it’s because you remind me of the Shihyun in my memories, and I know you’d probably find that creepy if you found out. I kept telling myself I had to stop. I even thought about just telling you everything… but here we are.”
Beneath the table, I clenched my fist tightly.
I could already guess what she was going to say.
My heart had been pounding non-stop since earlier.
“You might find it creepy, hearing this from another girl. But… okay, I’ll promise. I’ll never cross the line. I won’t step over it, ever…”
With tears welling in her eyes, she spoke.
“Just a little longer, just a little longer… Could you stay by my side? Until I’m able to move forward. Just until then…”
“……”
I bit my lip.
For a moment, silence.
She was still looking at me, her eyes showing a mix of fear and vulnerability.
There was only one answer I could give.
From the start, there had only been one.
“……Okay.”
“…What?”
Her eyes widened in surprise at my response, as if she had thought I’d never accept.
“…You helped me too, unni.”
“Ah…”
She had. She had helped me.
During my brief life on this side, she had constantly guided me.
Even after I returned to this world.
Even now, in this very moment, she was summoning courage to lead me.
So… I’m sorry, unni.
This is the kind of request I should have made to you instead.
“Thank you. Really…”
The one who should be saying thank you is me.
But all I could do was look down at my coffee, ashamed of myself.
The dark coffee revealed nothing of its depths.