Chi Qingya froze at the corner of the stairs, her throat feeling as though it were stuffed with a wad of cotton soaked in vinegar.
The words she wanted to say and the longing she wanted to express were suddenly impossible to voice.
She worried that if she spoke her apology, Su Li wouldn’t even care.
She feared their relationship had become like two parallel lines that would never intersect.
When Su Li turned her head, her eyelashes didn’t even quiver.
The way she looked at Chi Qingya was like she was looking at moldy wallpaper in the corridor.
Or rather, there was no difference between her gaze now and the way she looked at the pile of delivery trash bags.
That gaze swept over her lightly, passing over the corner of her clothes stained with boiled fish oil, drifting over the trash bag she had gripped until it was deformed, and finally moving away indifferently.
It was as if Chi Qingya were nothing more than a piece of old furniture blocking the way.
Or perhaps, like a clown performing in a circus.
The overhead light cast a small shadow across Su Li’s profile, and Chi Qingya suddenly realized that even the curve of Su Li’s brow was different than before.
In the past, whenever Chi Qingya knocked over a bowl of congee, the corners of Su Li’s tightly pressed lips would twitch slightly as she asked, with great concern, if she had been burned.
She would handle the spilled bowl while simultaneously tending to Chi Qingya’s wound.
But now, her breathing didn’t even falter. Her nose didn’t even wrinkle at the sour stench of the trash.
Even though Chi Qingya had nearly fallen just now, there was no change in expression in Su Li’s eyes.
Chi Qingya could even see her own pathetic reflection in Su Li’s pupils.
Her messy bangs were stuck to her forehead, and her sleeves were still stained with red oil from the boiled fish she had for lunch.
That gaze felt like a bucket of ice water poured over her head, making her fingertips go numb.
She realized that true heartbreak wasn’t like being pricked by a needle; it was like being thrown into a deep freezer until even the gaps between her bones turned to ice.
She opened her mouth, but only a half-stifled sob rolled out of her throat.
Su Li had already turned back to speak with the landlord, her profile illuminated by the light from the window.
She looked completely like a stranger.
The musty smell of the corridor suddenly became pungent.
Chi Qingya looked down at the grime under her fingernails that she couldn’t wash away.
She finally understood that what stood between them wasn’t a pile of stinking delivery boxes, but the ice wall in Su Li’s eyes that would never melt again.
“This child is really something. She’s already back, yet she isn’t hurrying to deal with the trash.”
“Exactly. So many of us are waiting on her.”
“It’s such bad luck being her neighbor. I keep my own home spotless, but because of this neighbor, my place is becoming a mess.”
“Look at this girl. She dresses herself up so well, but she’s like this behind the scenes. I really don’t know how her parents raised her.”
The whispers in the corridor were like a steel wool pad dipped in salt, scraping against Chi Qingya’s eardrums until they ached.
An auntie in floral pajamas pinched her nose and backed away.
“Phew! This smell is stronger than a toilet. For a young girl to be this sloppy!”
Midst the bursts of laughter, Chi Qingya’s nails nearly dug into her palms.
She stared at Su Li’s hands hanging at her sides.
Those hands had once cleaned up spilled congee for her, but now they rested quietly against the seams of her pants, motionless.
“My little boy has been scared to tears by cockroaches three times already!” a woman with permed hair suddenly poked her in the back.
“Do you think this is a trash recovery station? Have some civic-mindedness, will you?”
“What are you still standing there for? Hurry up and clean it!”
Chi Qingya spun around abruptly and saw photos of the mountain of trash in front of her door flickering on the woman’s phone screen.
The moldy delivery boxes were specifically zoomed in on, the soup having congealed into brown stains like ugly scars.
She opened her mouth, but her throat felt as if it were stuffed with dried sponges.
“I… I’m sorry.” She heard her own voice sound like a crushed soda can.
‘Maybe I’m just like a crushed soda can on the side of the road… nothing but trash.’
“I’ll do it right—”
Before Chi Qingya could finish her sentence, she was interrupted.
“Now you know to clean it?”
“Where was this attitude earlier?”
“Taking out the trash is something you do in passing, isn’t it?”
“What, do you have some kind of hobby for collecting trash?”
“You specifically saved it for this long?”
“Other people save money, but you? You save trash.”
“Can you even sell this much for money?”
Chi Qingya stumbled back half a step, her lower back hitting a rusted fire hydrant.
She looked toward Su Li as if seeking help, only to find that Su Li was chatting with the landlord next to them, her gaze never lingering on Chi Qingya for a second.
This person, who once would have knelt to pick up broken porcelain for her, now felt like a stranger down to the very hem of her clothes.
Tears blurred the faces of everyone in the corridor.
Chi Qingya suddenly felt as though all those pointing hands had turned into sharp fish bones.
She trembled as she reached for the trash bags, but in her panic, a plastic bag tore open with a wide gap.
Foul-smelling liquid splashed onto her newly bought shoes.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
She looked down at the liquid rolling down the stairs, feeling utterly at a loss.
It was as if she had just arrived in this strange big city for the first time and understood nothing.
She hoped Su Li would look in her direction, yet at the same time, she was terrified.
She was afraid Su Li would see how pathetic she looked now.
The thing she wanted least… was for Su Li to see her in such a wretched state.
Chi Qingya kept her head down, silently lifting the large trash bag she had prepared.
When she passed by Su Li, she didn’t even dare to look up. Under the scrutinizing eyes of the crowd, she silently packed all the trash into the large bag.
The gazes of others felt like a mountain, pressing down on her until she couldn’t breathe.
But she should have been able to handle these kinds of looks by now…
Why? Why did it still hurt so much?
Chi Qingya kept her head low, carrying the bulging trash bag as she slowly walked downstairs.
She didn’t even care when her shoes stepped right into the spilled liquid.
“Finally, it’s gone.”
“Mrs. Landlord, look at how someone that dirty shouldn’t be allowed to be our neighbor. I don’t want to wake up in the morning with a cockroach lying next to my pillow.”
“Last time my drain was clogged, it was because of her!”
“So sloppy. It’s fine if she ruins herself, but she’s ruining others too!”
“Whoever is her neighbor truly has eight lifetimes of bad luck.”
“No wonder that other little girl who lived with her before wasn’t willing to keep staying with her.”
“If it were me, I wouldn’t be willing either.”
“I bet only her parents are willing to put up with a personality like hers.”
“I saw that girl who lived with her carrying over ten trash bags downstairs every day several times before. I thought that girl was the one who was messy.”
“Good heavens, I didn’t know the sloppy one was someone else until cockroaches started getting into my house.”
“I really don’t know how she had the nerve to keep ordering someone else to take out her trash for her.”
Hearing the discussions of others, Chi Qingya wanted to quicken her pace and leave the area as fast as possible.
However, she had accidentally kicked the step earlier, and a throbbing pain still radiated from her foot.
She hoped Su Li could help her.
But… she didn’t dare look at Su Li. She was afraid of meeting that cold gaze once again.