He met his eyes and asked once more, so he could answer with a yes or no.
“Was she beautiful?”
Yoon Jooho let out a short laugh and looked away. It seemed clear what that meant.
It hit me several times harder than anything Iโd ever heard from Yoon Jooho before.
As he brought the cigarette to his lips, this time Yoon Jooho asked,
“Why are you so curious about that?”
If you ask whyโฆ Well, of course Iโd be curious about what kind of person the one I like used to like, how similar or different they are from meโฆ Thatโs only natural, right?
Just thinking of that answer in my head made my face burn. Like? I like him? I like a man, Yoon Jooho, me? I must be losing my mind.
Trying to hide his flushed face, Song Hyunsoo lashed out for no reason.
“Then why do you keep bringing up that guy from your old neighborhood?”
“Me? Itโs just a joke.”
Yoon Jooho shrugged as he straightened up from where heโd been leaning back.
“Then letโs just say itโs curiosity for me. I mean, who wouldnโt be curious about the person who turned down Superstar Yoon Jooho?”
Sitting at a distance just far enough for one more person to fit between, Yoon Jooho hooked the cigarette between his fingers and looked me over. With a groan of “Ahโฆ” And then he turned to face Song Hyunsoo, eyes filled with a vague sense of blame.
“Are you really that curious?”
Nod.
“Youโve never heard of โIgnorance is Blissโ?”
“Thereโs also โStrength is Knowledge.โ”
Yoon Jooho let out a deep sigh.
“Were they smart?”
As if heโd given up, Yoon Jooho sucked on the shortened cigarette filter and answered quickly.
“Probably? I think they spoke several languages.”
“They werenโt the type to order red wine with fish, right?”
“Yeah. They were used to those kinds of manners.”
A beautiful top star, a genius who could speak several languages, someone well-versed in table manners and social etiquette. There was no way I could ever compete.
Even the faint sliver of hope Iโd been holding onto shattered. It was as good as Yoon Jooho declaring with his own mouth that I was nothing like his ideal type.
From the start, just being a man was already an insurmountable wall. Heโs the kind of person who doesnโt even set the mood with men in bedโhow could I imagine holding hands, kissing, or getting all lovey-dovey with another man? Maybe with a woman, but with a man, not even in his wildest dreams. I know exactly what thatโs like. I was the same.
It felt like Iโd dug a hole deep in the ground and was lying in it. Looking up at Yoon Jooho from the grave Iโd dug for myself, he seemed even further away. Even though just moments ago, weโd been tangled together, gasping for breath.
Yoon Jooho got out of bed, stood in front of Song Hyunsoo, and stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand.
“Thatโs the end of this conversation.”
Watching his profile as he drew the line, telling me not to ask anymore, Song Hyunsoo also got up. He felt so deflated that, even if Yoon Jooho offered to talk more, he didnโt want to hear it. He tightened the sash of the gown heโd only loosely tied earlier and walked toward the door.
“Can I take a shower before I go?”
I know weโre not the type to lie side by side until morning, gazing into each otherโs eyes and caressing each otherโs skin. Iโve never done that with any man. Yoon Jooho probably hasnโt either.
And I knewโif I said I was leaving, heโd never try to stop me.
Thatโs why it wasnโt some test, hoping heโd hold me back.
After showering in the Guest Bathroom, Song Hyunsoo headed to the Practice Room. All his clothes and belongings were there. The Suit and Shoes heโd worn were neatly packed away in the Cover Bag and Shopping Bag.
Freshly showered, bare-faced, and with unstyled hairโnone of it matched the luxury Suit Yoon Jooho had given him. Reality after waking from a dream looked even more shabby than before the dream.
After changing clothes and stepping out, he found Yoon Jooho waiting by the door, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.
“Itโs your Birthday. Youโre really going to sleep alone? Thatโs too much.”
“Weโre not close enough to spend the whole night together.”
“Why so cold?”
Cold, my ass. Passing him, Song Hyunsoo walked down the Hallway toward the Entrance.
“Wow, dine and dash, huh.”
At the voice from behind, Song Hyunsoo spun around in disbelief.
“Diโdine and dash? Iโd have to eat first for that!”
Still leaning against the wall, Yoon Jooho slyly grabbed himself over the gown.
“You sure had your fill of this.”
The sly smile and the deliberately crude gestureโjust seeing it made Song Hyunsoo want to jump back into bed, and he couldnโt even deny it.
But right now, going home was the best choice. If he stayed the night, his confused feelings would be exposed.
Besides, Yoon Jooho was probably more than half joking. If he were serious, he wouldnโt say it so casually.
“Ugh, you perv. Iโm leaving!”
As Song Hyunsoo headed for the Entrance, Yoon Jooho followed behind.
“Want me to see you off?”
“What are you talking about? Youโve been drinking.”
“Ah.”
“Iโll just take a taxi.”
Even while Song Hyunsoo put on his Shoes at the Entrance, Yoon Jooho kept grumbling, hands shoved in the front pockets of his gown.
“Alone on my Birthday. Ahโฆ so pitiful and lonely.”
“Then maybe get a cat or something.”
When Song Hyunsoo finished tying his shoelaces just as Jung Jin had taught him and straightened up, for a moment, Yoon Joohoโs eyes seemed sincere. But unless he seriously tried to hold him back, Song Hyunsoo didnโt want to be the one to give in first.
He stood up straight and faced him.
“Happy Birthday.”
“You celebrated in style.”
“Thank you forโฆ everything. Itโs your Birthday, but I feel like I got more out of it.”
He looked down at the Suit and Shoes in both hands as he spoke. Yoon Jooho just stared at him, his gaze unreadable.
Pushing open the door lock and stepping outside, Song Hyunsoo turned to look back at him one more time.
“I went twice, so get some good sleep tonight.”
As the door slowly narrowed, Yoon Jooho smiled faintly.
“Even BB bullets.”
And then he turned away. He disappeared around the corner just before the door closed.
As soon as he got in the Elevator, all the strength drained from him. He slumped into the corner and leaned his body against the wall. Only then did he realize how tense heโd been in that house.
Even after letting all the tension go, the feeling of Yoon Jooho lingered in his lower body.
The hardness that moved between his thighs and the sensation of skin rubbing.
The rough strength that pressed in, panting.
The thickness of the fingers that had entered him.
And the feeling of the glans sliding over his lips, the obscene fullness that invaded his mouth.
All of Yoon Joohoโs secret bedroom details came alive on his skin, more vivid than when they were actually together.
Song Hyunsoo touched his own lips.
Heโd admired and imitated Yoon Jooho since he was young, so having his heart race or thinking he was cool wasnโt anything special for Song Hyunsoo. Maybe thatโs why heโd been so slow to notice.
His feelings for him. The truth of them.
Song Hyunsoo pressed the back of his head against the Elevator wall and let out a long breath.
ใItโs not like weโre going to date.ใ
Yoon Joohoโs voice, the one he liked, whispered in his head.
It felt like he was standing at the starting line of a long, arduous adventure.
There once was a Bird Without Legs.
All this bird could do was fly.
When it grew tired of flying, it would surrender itself to the wind and fall asleep.
The only day this bird could ever touch the ground was the day it died.1)
Song Hyunsoo was not the type to linger and watch the Credit Roll after a movie ended. He always chose movies with clear good and evil and fast-paced plots, and even then, he rarely watched them all the way through. If he got bored, heโd leave the theater or just turn off the screen.
But ever since he started taking acting seriously, those habits had changed.
His taste in movies and his way of watching them changed too.
<Abyss of Passion> was the kind of film Song Hyunsoo would never have gone near in the past.
A vague and unfriendly movie with no fiery action, no moving friendships, no laugh-out-loud moments.
But it was Yoon Joohoโs favorite film. He liked it enough to hang a Poster for it above his Bed in his private room.
Song Hyunsoo had watched and read countless interviews with Yoon Jooho over the years. But nowhere had he ever mentioned that film.
That alone was enough reason for Song Hyunsoo to watch it.
Heโd been tense all day, and after such a passionate night, he thought heโd fall asleep as soon as he lay down. But his mind was clearer than ever. Of course it was. It had been so long since heโd felt this way about anyone, and that person was Yoon Joohoโฆ Even I would toss and turn for at least a night.
Since he couldnโt sleep, he searched for <Abyss of Passion> on the OTT Platform and started playing it.
From start to finish, he couldnโt tear his eyes away from a single scene.
Before he knew it, the movie wasnโt about the main character โAbyโ anymoreโit became Yoon Joohoโs story, then Song Hyunsooโs own story, and then the stories of Isan, Baek Kang, and Lee Sol. Heโd never had an experience like that before.
Even after all the red-lettered Credit Roll had passed, Song Hyunsoo just sat there hugging his pillow, the screen paused. Sitting quietly on the Mattress, it felt less like heโd watched a movie and more like heโd just returned from a long, exhausting journey.
He looked down at his Phone sitting at the edge of the Bed, then picked it up.
ใฑใ ใ ใ ใ ใ
Even before realizing his feelings, he never would have thought to call Yoon Jooho at this hour.
But nowโฆ If he didnโt talk to him right now, he felt like he wouldnโt be able to stand it. The desire to need and want him was already far ahead of any hesitation.
Iโll wait until the phone rings five times.
Iโll fold a finger every time it rings.
Just up to five.
One, twoโฆ
[Hey. Whatโs up.]
A voice, a little hoarse and rough from not speaking for a while.
He didnโt even need to count to two.
As if heโd been waiting for a call. Or maybe, he too had been holding his Phone, hesitating over whether to call Song Hyunsoo or not. Yoon Jooho answered right away.
1) From the film <Abyss of Passion>