“It looks like you’re doing well.”
Yuri said those words after the conversation had come to an end.
It was when I was seeing her off, as usual, as she stepped out of the shop.
She would drop by, chat about this and that, and when the time came for me to get busy, she’d quietly make her way out.
I knew well enough that Yuri didn’t act this way simply because she had time to spare.
It was her way of worrying about me. That much, I was sure of.
So, when she said I seemed to be doing well, I didn’t think she meant it entirely as it sounded.
“……Uh, Yuri.”
To be honest, the past few months hadn’t been all that great.
I tried my best to appear fine, though. I didn’t want to make others worry about me.
After all, even my mother had managed to come to terms with Shihyun’s death—so how could I let myself linger like this?
And to some extent, I was getting better with time.
I started eating again after losing my appetite for so long. I began going out, even taking rides in cars without panicking.
Ever since meeting the pastor, I even started working again.
But no matter how hard I tried to seem okay, people could always see through it.
They’d known me for too long to miss how I truly felt.
Of course, they’d notice that my mood wasn’t as good as I pretended it to be.
…After Shihyun passed away, I hadn’t been anywhere.
Sure, I took a walk now and then for a change of scenery. If friends invited me out to eat, I’d go.
I tried my best to do the ordinary things people do.
But no matter where I went, Shihyun wasn’t there.
The places where he should have sat, stood, or walked he wasn’t there.
To me, those spots were always just empty spaces. No one else could ever fill them, no matter how hard they tried.
I heard it often enough “You need to let go.”
I knew they didn’t mean to completely erase Shihyun from my mind.
I understood they were worried about me, that they wanted me to move on.
The dead are gone, and the living must go on living.
Even so, I couldn’t accept it.
That’s why, since then, I’ve never gone far from home.
…It wasn’t as if I didn’t try.
Even if it wasn’t with someone else, I thought about going somewhere alone, just to walk.
But I couldn’t.
Because… because it wasn’t something Shihyun and I had ever done together.
The only trip we ever took as kids was the mandatory school trip.
And since we weren’t close in age, we never attended the same school, much less went on the same trips.
“Someday, when we have the time, let’s go somewhere together. You, me, and Mom,”
Wherever I went, I felt like I’d be reminded of those words.
And that’s why I couldn’t go. I just couldn’t.
So, I worked.
Then I went home, slept, woke up, and worked again.
It was the same cycle, over and over.
It wasn’t until the pastor told me to take at least one day off a week that I started resting, reluctantly, on Wednesdays.
…So, what I mean is that, I wasn’t really fine. Not until now.
But since meeting Shihyun, I’ve started to change, little by little.
That boy who seems so different from the Shihyun I knew, and yet somehow always makes me think of him whenever I see him.
So, it’s not surprising that Yuri is worried.
“……”
Yuri opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it again. Her gaze briefly shifted toward the bakery.
Following her line of sight, I turned my head and met Shihyun’s eyes inside the shop.
When he noticed us looking, he waved cheerfully. Yuri smiled and waved back in response.
“…You’re off on Wednesday, right? Are you doing volunteer work this week?”
“No.”
“Then could you make some time that day? Let’s sit down and have a proper chat it’s been a while.”
“Alright.”
I answered without much thought.
I was doing better.
But it felt strange.
I knew it, at least a little.
Yuri nodded, her expression slightly stiff. She gave my hand a light squeeze before letting go.
“See you then.”
As if seeking confirmation, she asked again.
“Yeah”.
*
“How is it?”
I asked Shihyun, who was sipping a bit of coffee.
As usual, Shihyun narrowed her brows while drinking, then swallowed before answering.
“Um…”
With an incredibly cautious expression, she finally said.
“Well, to be honest, I’m not really familiar with coffee… so I don’t think my opinion would be much help…”
She said it as though she felt genuinely sorry, hunching her shoulders slightly. That apologetic look reminded me of Shihyun when she was younger.
“It’s fine. Actually, if someone who doesn’t usually drink coffee finds it palatable, that might mean it’s well-made.”
Though, to be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure about that myself.
What was it like for me?
When I first drank coffee, I thought it tasted terrible. But since everyone around me seemed to drink it black without any syrup, I forced myself to drink it too just so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed.
At some point, I started liking coffee.
Coffee is bitter. Sometimes, it’s sour too. But amidst that bitterness and sourness, a fragrant aroma lingers. That fleeting, lovely flavor stays in your mouth for a moment, only to disappear cleanly as soon as you swallow a sip.
Then you find yourself missing that bitterness and sourness and take another sip.
Before you know it, you’ve finished the entire cup.
Maybe it was because I followed Yuri around and drank coffee with her.
I don’t recall ever having a cup of coffee I couldn’t tolerate.
Sometimes, I even had the chance to smell the beans before brewing. There were cafés where they let you choose beans based on their aroma.
Not that I could really distinguish all the subtle scents.
Yuri might’ve been able to, but for me, most brewed coffee tasted more or less the same. Occasionally, I noticed slight differences in aroma… but in the end, I just enjoyed the act of drinking coffee itself.
Once, I’d even brought Shihyun to one of those cafés, after much deliberation.
When Shihyun tried specialty coffee for the first time, he scrunched up his face for a split second, only to quickly smooth it out in embarrassment.
Then he forced himself to drink the whole cup.
He didn’t need to do that, but he did.
Come to think of it, I was the same at his age.
Someday, I hoped Shihyun would sit with me and truly enjoy a cup of coffee.
“…Hmm…”
Shihyun, who took a sip of the coffee I brewed, tilted her head slightly as if pondering for a moment, then spoke.
“It’s a bit bitter, slightly sour… But… it feels like the scent lingers in my nose. Kind of fragrant… But honestly, I can’t really tell if it’s a fruity scent or something like that.”
Shihyun answered with a slightly awkward smile.
“Is that so?”
Still, I was satisfied with that.
…The reaction of Shihyun in front of me now might have been the same reaction I’d expect from the Shihyun I knew if he were here.
Of course, there are many differences. She’s a year younger than the Shihyun I knew, and she must have grown up with an entirely different past to make her who she is now.
“It’s fine. Honestly, I think it’s decent enough for me to enjoy.”
I said with a smile.
Not long ago, I bought some coffee equipment. I had this idea of one day selling coffee that I brewed myself at this café, but for now, I was just practicing.
This was the first time I served coffee to Shihyun.
Still, if the first reaction is this good, maybe I should put a bit more care into it and serve it to Yuri next time.
“You seem to like coffee.”
Shihyun asked again, repeating the question she’d asked me back when she first started working at the bakery.
“Yeah, I try to keep liking it.”
“Keep liking it?”
“Yeah… Even if you like something, there comes a moment when you forget why you liked it. After that, you might not even remember what made it so special in the first place. So, over and over, I remind myself why I liked it, what made it so good, and why I want to keep liking it.”
“Is that so?”
Shihyun tilted her head at my words, and I gave a small laugh.
“Yeah. Liking something… It’s such a pleasant thing, isn’t it?”
And also a sad thing.
Ah, that’s why I liked this right, back then, it was like that. Remembering the past can be both joyful and melancholic.
No matter what, the feelings I have now can never be the same as they were then. Even if I come to love it more, it’s still the same.
Even if I know more about coffee now, it’s different from the excitement of discovering its deliciousness for the first time.
The amazement of realizing something in the past when you knew nothing and the gentle acceptance that follows after the initial excitement fades… they’re bound to feel different.
Still, I’ll keep liking it.
Because I don’t want to forget the fragrance that lingers between the bitterness and sourness.
That faint aroma seems like something that would disappear all too quickly if I let myself forget about it, even just for a little while……..