This is not Kang Suhyun’s story, but Nanoka’s story.
I don’t know how much you all know about Mama, so I’m not sure where to start…
First of all, you know that Mama was an ultra-popular VTuber who ranked first in sponsorship amounts, total music video views, and merchandise sales in Hanalive, right?
Huh? You didn’t know? But you knew about Nanoka, right…?
Ah, thank goodness. Yeah, there’s no way someone who doesn’t know Nanoka could be a VTuber…
Ka.
Yeah. That Nanoka.
The face of Hanalive’s 3rd generation, someone who even collaborated with a famous overseas soccer club, and a name that even singers mentioned at least once—Higurashi Nanoka.
If you watched her streams, you’d fall in love with her adorable awkwardness. If you listened to her sing, you’d become addicted to her overwhelming vocal power.
And when she played FPS games, that contrast— it drove people crazy.
Even I, who debuted in the same generation as Mama… was a fan.
It was kind of funny, right? We would always trend on real-time searches with “Nanoharu Teetee” (a term for cute interactions)…
Still, I think those were the best times.
When the 3rd generation first debuted.
Yeah.
When we didn’t call Sakura “that woman” but instead called her “Hanamori Miyu.”
When Mama still had the name “Higurashi Nanoka.”
When, every time the two of us fought over Mama, Hoshino Sumire would always laugh at us like we were ridiculous.
When Mama called me “Haru” on stream, but off-stream, she called me “Sayo-chan.”
I want to go back to before Sakura went crazy for Mama.
“Sakura! Where are you right now?”
“I’m doing an off-collab with Nanoka-nee! Hehe. See? Nee-chan is the cutest, most positive, genius, and strongest in the world.”
“Ugh. You disgusting otaku…”
Really, I just…
I want to go back to before Sakura lost her mind over Mama.
But that’s impossible. It’s already happened.
If I could go back, I would have done anything.
If I had noticed a little sooner, or to be more exact…
If I had realized that the feelings Sakura had for Mama weren’t just admiration.
She was strange from the beginning. Just a little, just in tiny ways.
At first, I thought it was just a concept— that she was playing the role of someone in love with Nanoka.
We all liked Mama, after all.
I did, and so did the other members of our generation.
Mama was our center.
She was cute, warm, talented, and most of all…
She was always kind to us.
Sakura was no different.
At first, it must have been admiration.
She admired Nanoka, wanted to be like her, wanted to get closer to her.
But… at some point, something changed.
Sakura was no longer just a “fan.”
It became obsession.
At first, I didn’t realize it either.
No, actually, I kind of did, but I just thought she was an overly passionate fan.
We all loved Mama, so I thought Sakura was just the same.
But Sakura acted differently.
Whenever she streamed with Mama, her energy would be unusually high, and after the stream ended, she would be quieter than usual.
And whenever Mama collaborated with other VTubers…
She always seemed upset.
She would say strange things.
“Nee-chan, you’re the most charming when you’re alone.”
“Eh? But Nanoka belongs to everyone, Miyu.”
“…I like it best when it’s just the two of us.”
“Ehh~ I’m happy, but that’s a bit heavy… gachikoi (romantic fans) aren’t allowed, you know?”
“Ah… I see… But don’t you laugh more when you’re with me compared to when you’re with others? Right?”
At first, I thought it was just admiration. But gradually, it changed into something weird.
I saw things Mama never noticed.
Sakura tracking all of Mama’s personal streaming schedules.
Setting alarms for every single tweet Mama posted.
Even taking notes on everything Mama said in her streams.
Back then, I thought she was just a passionate junior.
But that wasn’t it.
Sakura didn’t just want to “know” Mama.
She wanted to “own” her.
And she was willing to do anything for that.
One day, I saw Sakura lingering in front of Mama’s room.
Mama had always been extremely careful about hiding her home address. Even we, her fellow gen-mates, didn’t know it.
Mama once smiled and told me, “I’m only telling you this,” and I still remember that smile.
But Sakura knew.
How?
At the time, I brushed it off as a coincidence.
But looking back now, there was no way it was just a coincidence.
I should have done something back then.
If I had paid a little more attention…
No.
There’s no point in thinking like that.
It’s already happened.
Sakura kept getting worse.
Her admiration turned into obsession, and eventually, into control.
It started with streaming.
Sakura began hating it whenever Mama streamed with other people.
She started complaining to Mama.
“Nee-chan, why do you stream with others more than me these days?”
“Aah, Miyu, stop, stop! We’re in the middle of a tournament right now~?”
“Why are we on different teams? I’m the best partner for you, aren’t I?”
“Hmm~ Yeah, Miyu’s A-class aim is really something…”
“Right? Honestly, it has to be me, doesn’t it?”
Sometimes it sounded like a joke, but other times…
“Then stay with me forever?”
That never sounded like a joke.
And then it started spilling into real life.
Sakura became obsessed with who Mama was talking to.
Whenever Mama acted friendly with someone on Twitter, the next day, the mood would always be strange.
One time, Mama got close with another VTuber.
That night, Mama’s account was flooded with strange DMs.
At first, we thought it was just some weird fan.
But the problem was…
Those messages came from Sakura’s alt accounts.
We didn’t know.
No— Mama didn’t know.
Sakura had multiple accounts.
She was using them to manipulate Mama’s streaming, her relationships, her words.
She tried to control who Mama could meet, who she could stream with, what she could say.
And in the end…
That crazy woman succeeded in gaslighting her.
Mama, at that time, was… so pitiful.
She wasn’t herself anymore.
“Nee-chan, I want to hear you sing more. How about doing an endurance stream?”
“Endurance…?”
Mama, who had a weak body, was forced to keep singing— because countless accounts kept subscribing and unsubscribing just to make her sing a hundred times over.
“Nee-chan, everyone is waiting for you. Sing for me, for Nanota (the fans), okay?”
“…Okay. Because it’s for you, Sakura.”
This wasn’t just exhaustion.
This wasn’t just a decline in health.
Nanoka was slowly conforming to Sakura.
At first, it was just small requests.
“Nee-chan, can you sing one more song today?”
That was fine, right? She loved singing, so what was one more song?
So she sang one more. And then another.
And then it escalated.
“Nee-chan, how about an all-day endurance stream? Everyone is waiting for you.”
“Sakura, don’t force Nanoka. Sayo, say something too. I, Sumire-sama, have to step in at this rate…”
“I’m sorry, Sakura. I want to sing, but my throat…”
“Nee-chan, you’re happiest when you’re singing, right? I just want you to be happy.”
Happiness.
Sakura always said that.
‘Unni, I just want you to be happy. You look the happiest when you’re with me.’
‘Unni, you’d be lonely without me. So, stay with me forever, okay?’
‘Unni, you can’t live without me, right?’
At first, it was just my usual streaming, but later, my entire schedule revolved around Sakura.
Nanoka started streaming whenever Sakura wanted and sang as much as Sakura desired.
If Sakura wanted, she collaborated. If Sakura didn’t, she kept her distance from other members.
This was strange.
Surely, everyone felt that something was off.
But at that time, Mama had become too weak.
And so, she became trapped in the world that Sakura created.
Sakura always spoke in a gentle voice.
‘Unni, you’re only happy when you’re with me.’
‘Unni, I love you.’
‘So, please only look at me.’
And in doing so, she gradually isolated Mama.
From her fans, from her colleagues.
What Sakura wanted wasn’t ‘Higurashi Nanoka.’
She wanted someone who would only sing for her, only look at her.
But.
Without realizing it, you were slowly becoming accustomed to Sakura’s words.
Every morning, you looked in the mirror and kept muttering.
‘Is this… really me?’
‘Huh? Mama. What are you saying…’
‘Sayo-chan. The person I show on the broadcast… is that really me?’
It was terrifying.
You were on the edge.
You looked really exhausted.
It was painful, wasn’t it?
It must have been painful.
I’m sorry, Mama.
I’m really sorry.
I should have driven her away back then.
The more you listened to her words, again and again, your complexion changed.
You tried to hide it in front of me and Sumire, but it was obvious.
The dark circles, the redness around your eyes.
Mama never even put on makeup, so how did no one notice?
One year later.
Yes, in just a single year.
‘Everyone. I don’t think I can sing anymore. If Sakura finds out, she’ll definitely get really upset… So, this is a secret. Saku, I’m sorry.’
‘I’ll tell Raha separately…’
‘…Yeah. You did well, Nanoka. I’ll talk to Sakura.’
‘Sumire! How can you just accept this? Mama… Mama is… graduating? What does that even mean…’
The day Mama left, leaving behind one final smile, I looked at Sakura properly for the first time.
Until then, I had always tried to avoid making eye contact.
Sakura was always by Mama’s side, making the world revolve around her.
And I had only watched silently from the sidelines.
But now, I couldn’t turn away any longer.
That day, Mama disappeared.
And at that moment, I realized.
The reason why Mama was gone.
Who was responsible for everything.
I looked straight at Sakura.
‘…It’s because of you.’
‘Sayo. Stop.’
Sumire tried to stop me, but why?
Why should she stop me?
It was something that had to be said.
When I spoke those words, Sakura was still smiling gently.
As always, calm and composed, unwavering.
‘What do you mean, Sayo?’
She asked me softly, with a smile.
‘Mama left because of you.’
‘…That can’t be true.’
‘…Ha. Here we go again.’
Sakura tilted her head slightly, as if she truly didn’t understand.
‘Unni loved me. And I loved Unni. She always sang for me. So how could it be because of me?’
‘Love?’
I scoffed, and for the first time, Sakura’s smile wavered, even if just a little.
‘That wasn’t love.’
‘It was love.’
Sakura answered firmly.
‘Unni loved me, so she sang for me. Unni wanted me, so there was no reason for her to leave.’
‘…Then why did she leave?’
‘It’s simple. So simple. Mama left because she was afraid of you.’
For a moment, Sakura said nothing.
But I saw her pupils tremble ever so slightly.
I continued speaking.
‘You trapped Mama. You made her do only what you wanted. You stopped her from doing anything you didn’t want.
That way, you created the “Nanoka” you desired.
But in the end, the real Mama was no longer there.’
‘That’s not true.’
Sakura’s voice wavered, just a little.
‘Unni was happy.’
‘No.’
I cut her off firmly.
‘Mama was miserable.’
‘She wasn’t just unhappy. She had already lost all emotion.
You said you loved Mama, but in reality, you only loved the version of her that you wanted.
That’s not love. If that’s what love is… then you’re truly broken.’
‘Ah… You think I’m broken…’
Sakura was still smiling.
But that smile…
It looked like it could shatter at any moment.
‘…Then.’
In a very quiet voice, Sakura asked.
‘Is this kind of love… something I shouldn’t have?’
I didn’t answer.
No, I couldn’t answer.
Because it was the first time.
The first time I saw something that wasn’t human, just pretending to be.
‘…I could die for Unni. But… would she do the same for me?’
‘Sayo, Sakura. Both of you, stop now….’
‘I love Unni so much.
It’s not her hair, not her eyes, not her body that I love.
Not even her beautiful voice or overwhelming talent.
Yes, she has a perfect appearance, but that’s not what captivated me.
That’s just the shell, isn’t it?
Unni… Unni was just as broken as I was.
Unni lived a hard life, never receiving love.
And I… I never knew what love was.
That’s right. Neither of us knew what love was.’
Screech…
Sakura dug her nails into her own arm until she bled, muttering.
She was no longer smiling.
Sakura took a slow, deep breath and looked at me again.
‘…Unni will come back someday.’
She said that.
‘She would never leave me. Right now… she’s just mistaken.’
It sounded as if she was trying to convince herself.
I let out a sigh.
‘…You really are insane until the very end.’
‘Haha. So now, you’re just going to ignore me? Is that it?’
‘And who are you to talk? You’re just some background character. Stay out of my and Unni’s business.’
‘Sakura. Shut up. I’m seriously trying to hold back right now.’
Sumire must have been exhausted too.
We had all been emotionally drained during those two intense years.
Sakura didn’t respond.
After that day, I tried to avoid any involvement with her.
I cut off all contact and never collaborated with her again.
I occasionally met up with Sumire… but never with Sakura.
Even if we ended up in the same game server, I never interacted with her.
Even in Hanalive, preventing conflicts between members was impossible, so they did their best to keep us apart.
And Sumire remained silent.
Maybe she felt the most guilt, having known Mama the longest.
The story of the Nanoka I knew…
That’s where it ends.
Sorry for telling such a bleak story.
I hope that from now on, Mama’s story will be filled with blessings…
But this is an unchangeable past.
I thought it needed to be told.