In the middle of the night, Liu Yinuo still couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned in bed, her long black hair, which was usually kept tidy, becoming a mess. Disordered bangs hung over her face, looking a bit disheveled.
She picked up the phone by her bedside; the screen lit up, casting a dim light on her tired face.
It was already past midnight…
The girl’s fingers slid gently across the phone, though she didn’t know what she was looking for. From QQ to WeChat, there were no new messages. She didn’t have Ye Xingmian’s contact information either, because that girl didn’t even have a phone.
She casually opened a video app that she hadn’t opened in a long time; it was playing some nonsensical Penguin video. She frowned and swiped it away. The next video was originally something she would have been interested in, but at this moment, it felt dull and tasteless, so she just turned off the phone.
She rolled and twisted back and forth on the bed, venting an irritation that she didn’t even understand the source of. With a sigh, Liu Yinuo finally sat up, turned on the light, and sat at her computer wearing her slippers.
Outside the window, the vibration of the cold wind and the roar of cars occasionally drifted in, sounding exceptionally quiet in the dead of night. Looking at the slowly lighting up desktop, she dazed out for a while.
Come to think of it, why did she turn on the computer? Wouldn’t it be better to just ask her phone if she had a question?
Several scenes seemed to loop in her mind, lingering. Her fingers rested on the keyboard, staring blankly at the browser’s search box.
She couldn’t forget her at all—Ye Xingmian, that self-deprecating, cowardly girl who made people feel a desire to protect her. Her gaze dimmed slightly, and her right hand unconsciously clenched into a fist as she thought once again about the question that had troubled her for so long.
“Why… are you avoiding me?”
In the silent room, aside from the whirring of the computer fans, her sudden whisper felt particularly abrupt.
Is it because I’m not good enough to you? Do you feel I’m not sincere enough? Or… is this a test for me?
If it was just the threat from Lin Ziyan and my parents, there would be no need to avoid me even when we’re alone, right?
She couldn’t figure it out; she couldn’t see through it. These questions made her feel very distressed, like a dark cloud hanging over her head that wouldn’t go away.
Oh, and then there was Li Li’s question. She thought I liked Xingmian.
Why? I believe I just harbor pure feelings of pity for Xingmian and sympathy for her living conditions. Maybe I also like her looks a bit? Maybe. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that; I really seem to think that pitiful face of hers is very beautiful and cute. Occasionally, I also want to get close to her, give her a hug, smell the fragrance of her body, or something like that.
Does this count as liking her?
She didn’t know. Since she was young, she had only been taught to study hard, and even her time for entertainment was scarce; she really knew very little about such things.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t feel so lost.
The moment she realized Ye Xingmian was intentionally avoiding her, she was so sad and miserable. It felt like her sincerity was being betrayed, enough to almost drive her crazy.
She had even had many thoughts that she herself found terrifying, like using more forceful means to bring Xingmian to her home, making her curl up obediently in her arms so she wouldn’t be hurt by all those other bad people.
Turning into a girl, or her identity, these issues didn’t matter. She didn’t care as long as she was by her side, being watched by her; that would be enough. She would definitely be able to protect her.
“…”
Looking at her palm, Liu Yinuo was momentarily dazed.
Is this normal?
She had always thought she was a very gentle person; how could she have such forceful thoughts that disregarded the other person’s will?
So painful, so confusing. Perplexity, self-blame—all these emotions flooded the girl’s heart. She folded her hands on the desk and buried her eyes in her arms. She lay there, unmoving for a long time.
What’s wrong with me… so strange…
Her heart felt a bit sour. Was it grievance? A bit, but not quite. She had the urge to cry, but couldn’t. Stuck in the middle, it was truly stifling.
After hesitating for a long time, the girl finally typed solemnly on the keyboard. Amidst the “clack-clack” sounds, a common line appeared in the search bar.
“What does it feel like to like someone?”
Her finger rested on the Enter key. With a mood that was a bit nervous and a bit expectant, but mostly fearful, she ultimately pressed it.
[About 48,800,000 results]
[Liking someone is a complex and beautiful feeling, usually accompanied by strong emotional fluctuations, a desire for closeness, and concern for each other’s lives.]
[Desire for closeness]
[Support and understanding]
[Longing and expectation]
Her eyes couldn’t help but drift through the explanations under each entry. The more she read, the more uneasy she became. She hugged her chest, curling up her upper body. After she finished reading, she started dazing off again.
This description… it’s so like me…
Uh, especially the last one—how on a quiet night, the other person’s figure and smile will appear in your mind. Isn’t this talking about me right now…
“Ugh…”
Somewhat embarrassed, the girl covered her flushed face and closed the browser, pretending to be calm.
Are you kidding? I like Xingmian? I’ve only known her for a few days… Am I that kind of loose person?
Impossible, impossible! How could I?!
Regardless, it was impossible for the girl to believe she had already fallen for that other girl. She tried hard to forget what she just searched in the browser. Forget it! Forget it all!
“Ugh…”
But once the surge of shame and anger passed, she lay slumped on the table like a wilted cabbage. The girl’s tea-colored eyes reflected the blue wallpaper of the computer desktop, a faint mist already overflowing.
But… thinking about the fact that Xingmian was avoiding her still hurts so much.
Why… why, why…!
Her weak little fists pounded the table again and again. She turned off the computer as if nothing had happened, turned off the light, and lay in bed. She closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep, but it was still useless. She couldn’t sleep at all.
This couldn’t go on. Classes were tomorrow, and the day after that was the start of the break. She couldn’t stay up too late, or she’d doze off in class tomorrow.
Speaking of which… the day after tomorrow is the weekend. Should I try to bring the little cutie to my house?
I’m just afraid she’ll hide from me again. If that’s the case, I won’t have any way to handle her. Is there a way to get close to her easily?
Despite what just happened, she felt a strong suspicion regarding her motives for trying to get close to Ye Xingmian. But no matter what, her concern for Ye Xingmian wouldn’t change because of it. Liu Yinuo would still try to approach her with kindness.
Absolutely not because of “liking” or anything like that! Absolutely not!
Right, so, be patient. Calculating the time, there’s still a little less than half a year until the College Entrance Examination; she still has a chance.
After thinking it over, she decided: tomorrow she would go to the head teacher and try to change seats to become Ye Xingmian’s desk mate.
She remembered there was an empty seat next to her. Yes! That’s what I’ll do!
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