With those words, she quietly lowered her head. The moment her words sliced through the air, it felt as though her whole body froze.
The confession she blurted out impulsively bought a suffocating tension.
But she had no regrets. On the contrary, she felt strangely light. And… she was both fearful and full of expectations.
“……..”
“……..”
Silence weighed heavily on the air. Not a sound could be heard. It was as if the world was holding its breath, waiting for his answer.
Rudella couldn’t lift her head. She couldn’t even imagine what kind of expression he might be wearing. If it were a face of disappointment, or if it was a face stiffened with coldness…
Such thoughts crushed her.
Her heart continued to beat indifferently, but her breathing grew shallow.
“Yohan… “
He silently looked at her, who had her head bowed. He couldn’t speak, not knowing what to say.
He had doubted a lot, but he had vaguely known that Rudella held more than just fondness for him.
But… he never imagined she would confess so sincerely.
Why?
Because she was the Crown Prince’s fiancée. She was meant to be the Crown Princess, and one day, the Empress who would care for the Empire.
“I…”
Yohan barely opened his mouth, only to shut it again. From the trembling of Rudella’s shoulders to her bright red ears, he could tell that her confession was genuine.
“……..”
As time passed and no words came, Rudella slowly raised her head.
Her sky-blue eyes locked onto Yohan. He looked troubled.
But for some reason… Rudella found his discomfort appealing.
It meant that he was seeing her as a woman, and it showed how shaken he was.
“…Lady Bismarck.”
“Say it.”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot accept your feelings.”
“…I know.”
Rudella smiled faintly. She knew. She knew that the man in front of her would never betray his lover.
But…
But she couldn’t help herself.
What had started as an impulsive emotion had now become an uncontrollable desire, a yearning that she desperately longed for.
If she had suppressed it, as she had always done, it would have eventually turned into sickness.
“…Why did you tell me this? You could have hidden it for a lifetime.”
Yohan couldn’t understand Rudella. She, who had known this relationship would crumble, still confessed her feelings.
She was the fiancée of the Crown Prince, destined to become the Crown Princess and then the Empress.
Rudella must have known it could never be.
“…I wanted to leave even a little part of me in your heart.”
Rudella’s small smile reflected in Yohan’s eyes. There was a tenderness in her gaze.
Though it was an impulsive confession, it was born from a small, selfish desire.
Even if it didn’t come true, she wanted to remain as a small fragment in his memory.
“Lately, I haven’t been able to focus on my work, and I’ve been absent-minded because I keep thinking about you.”
Rudella continued speaking. Even through her hot breaths, she didn’t stop.
“I blush all the time, can’t meet your gaze—it’s all because I like you.”
Yohan quietly listened to Rudella. Her feelings were so pure, and it was hard to speak against such honesty.
“The more I think about you, the more my heart flutters, and I keep remembering your smile. I remember the warmth of your hand when we held it, the memory of walking together down the street in the imperial capital. Those memories are so precious that I can’t focus on anything else.”
The sickness Rudella carried was a terrible one. It not only disturbed a person’s reasoning but could also drag them into the abyss of darkness.
“…You’re the first person I’ve ever had feelings for. I like you, who thinks of me, who looks at me just as Rudella, without any expectations.”
Rudella swallowed nervously. It felt like a stone was stuck in her throat.
She hadn’t expected a positive answer, but she hadn’t imagined this either.
The more she spoke, the more her desires grew. She wondered if he might look at her differently, if she made an irresistible offer.
Rudella gathered her courage.
“But if you accept my feelings… I’ll do my best for you. I will become the Crown Princess, give you all the power, and if you want, I will offer you a woman as well.”
Yohan’s eyebrows twitched slightly as he silently listened to Rudella. Was he hearing her right?
“What… do you mean by that?”
“I will become Empress and give you everything.”
“Is this… Lady Bismarck, is this your heart?”
“Yes. This is the best I can give you.”
Yohan looked stunned, and Rudella carefully assessed his expression before continuing.
“You will become the most powerful person in the Empire, and if there’s a woman you desire, you will have her. I, too, will be able to have her. With someone like you, it should be an attractive offer, don’t you think?”
‘…Is she out of her mind?’ Yohan’s face hardened coldly.
He could understand confessing feelings, even if they could never come to fruition—getting it off her chest seemed better.
But what Rudella had just said was an outright insult.
“To become the Empress and take me as a concubine. Is this what you’re saying to me?”
Yohan’s voice was low. It wasn’t just disappointment that was hidden in his words but was a slow emerging anger.
“Is this your heart? Instead of winning my heart, offering me power and women?”
He stared at her, his gaze cold and sharp. Rudella flinched, her shoulders trembling under his stare.
“This… is quite insulting.”
Rudella quickly shook her head, realizing Yohan misunderstood.
“No! That was not my intention at all…! I only said that to offer you a more attractive option. I never meant to insult you…!”
But despite her frantic denial, Yohan inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and his cold voice struck her ear.
“You didn’t mean to insult me? Then why… why make such an offer? Do you think I’m that kind of person?”
“That…”
When his gaze met hers again, Rudella saw for the first time the combination of anger and disappointment in Yohan’s eyes.
“I was wrong to have expected something from you. Someone who has lived their life like this, their values don’t change easily. I was foolish.”
Rudella’s lips parted slightly. The breath that escaped her was cold—just like Yohan’s expression.
“Listen well. The reason I showed you kindness was because it saddened me to see you living as someone’s puppet. I hoped you would find your own worth.”
Yohan had visited her late at night and tried to help her not collapse, not because he had feelings for her, but because he couldn’t stand seeing Rudella Bismarck broken by others.
He didn’t want her to become an obstacle to his future with Francia.
He didn’t want her to do anything foolish as someone’s pawn.
He didn’t want her to ruin her life.
“But you still couldn’t let go of the idea that you had to become the Crown Princess.”
But that hope was shattered.
“This is your life, so it’s not for me to decide, but if you were going to express your feelings like this, you should have at least been clear with yourself.”
Yohan swept his hair back, his face cold and set.
“To become Empress and offer power and women… is that how you think love works? You want to make me your concubine? Can you not give up power or desire?”
“No, no…! I never… intended that…! Please believe me…”
Rudella desperately shook her head. Her eyes were wavering, and it seemed like she would cry at any moment.
“I…”
She was sincere. If she could be with him, she would give up her position as Crown Princess and sever ties with the Bismarck family. That wasn’t a lie.
But if that happened… she thought he would have no reason to choose her. She had no power, and taking her would bring him no benefit.
“I don’t think I have anything more to say.”
Yohan shook his head again, his face full of disappointment.
“…I was wrong to hope that you might escape being a puppet of the Bismarcks.”
Yohan had only hoped for her to live her own life, free from being manipulated by anyone.
It saddened him to see her living in such a way, threatened by her engagement, forced to live as the Bismarcks’ puppet.
It wasn’t because he felt affection for her, but because he pitied her.
“Ah, no… I…”
Rudella muttered, her lips barely moving as she bowed her head deeply. Her trembling fingertips hovered in the air, wavering with uncertainty.
“Rudella Bismarck. You’re not just a servant running errands for the Crown Prince, nor a puppet of the Bismarck family.”
Yohan gave her one last piece of advice.
“Listen carefully. The reason you think you have to become the Crown Princess isn’t because you love him, but because your family demands it.”
Rudella stared blankly at him, her expression distant, her eyes unfocused.
“You’ve lived your life since childhood with the expectation that you would become the Crown Princess. I can imagine how much you fear disappointing someone.”
Yohan’s voice was sharp. Rudella hated it. The softness he had always shown her was gone, replaced by something much colder.
“Think carefully, Rudella Bismarck. The one who is alive, breathing, thinking, and making decisions right now is you.”
Yet, despite his words, there was still a warmth in his voice as he spoke—he was still thinking of her, in his own way.
“Be honest with your feelings. If you want something, don’t let your family control you. Choose your own truth. It’s your life.”
Yohan turned his back and spoke for the final time.
“…I won’t be coming again, so please refrain from calling me for any official missions. Lady Bismarck, I apologize for everything.”
His last words were clearly a line drawn in the sand.
Without looking back, he left. His footsteps grew distant, but Rudella couldn’t bring herself to stop him.
She was full of disappointment.
It hadn’t been her intention at all…
‘Why had it turned out like this?’
Expressing her feelings was such an unfamiliar thing to her that she had made a mistake. She had insulted him, the one she loved more than anyone else.
Rudella resented herself for thinking that way, for being unable to speak anything else.
She had thought that simply confessing her feelings would be enough, but she had been too greedy with her expectations. She had ended up saying things that didn’t need to be said.
She had feared that if she didn’t speak now, she would never be able to stop him.
To make him choose her, she had suggested it that way.
Because, in her own mind, Rudella, not Lady Bismarck, had no worth.
‘This wasn’t it…’
Rudella sighed and exhaled a puff of breath into the cold air.
The cold wind crept through her collar, but she didn’t feel the chill.
What felt colder was the last thing Yohan had said.
She was left alone in the garden where white lilies bloomed. The garden, now surrounded by the cold air of winter, was even colder than her own heart.
The foolish words she had spoken had driven him away. No matter how much she regretted it, it couldn’t be undone.
“Ah…”
Rudella sank down to the ground, defeated. The cold winter wind brushed against her cheek, but it felt colder still than Yohan’s final words.
Before her eyes, Yohan’s back lingered. The moment he turned away, she knew. He would never look back again.
“Why like this…”
In the garden where the white lilies drooped their heads, only she remained.
In this place, where even the moonlight was frozen and cold, there was nothing left to comfort her.