Chapter 39: The Past

Maybe it’s because her tummy was empty after pooping, but not long after, the little baby in my arms started getting restless, squirming about and rubbing her face against my chest with practiced movements.

“Alright, alright, Duo Duo, even if you bite me, there’s no milk here. Hold on a second, I’ll make you some formula.”

Helplessly, I handed the baby over to Yan Dong, who was just about to start playing his game, and headed back to the kitchen to prepare her bottle.

Maybe she’s gotten used to me by now. This time, feeding her felt much easier than before. As she obediently drank her milk, she even lifted her tiny finger to gently stroke my cheek.

“Looks like you’re enjoying this quite a bit.”

Yan Dong, who had been sitting nearby, had at some point leaned over. Instinctively, I tried to turn away, but my hair was caught by Duo Duo’s little hand, and that faint cedar-scented breath landed softly and unexpectedly on my ear, making me freeze up for a moment.

“I’m just doing my job.” I lowered my head to avoid his breath, using the excuse of adjusting my hold on the baby to put a bit of distance between us. But Duo Duo’s milk-stained hand suddenly patted my cheek, “ma…ma…”

The air seemed to freeze for a second, until Yan Dong’s snicker broke the silence: “Did you hear that, Mama Lin?”

“The language center of a six-month-old baby isn’t fully developed yet.” I wiped the milk from the baby’s lips with my fingertip, my tone completely unperturbed. “According to the Piaget Cognitive Development Theory, this is just an unconscious syllabic utteran—”

“Stop, stop, stop!” He abruptly flopped back, his phone thudding into the cushions. “Why is it that every time I talk to you, it feels like an academic defense? That, uh, Yin… Xing… forget it. Lin Yunxia, you seem pretty good at taking care of kids. Don’t tell me you’ve done this before…”

“Young Master, do you really think that’s possible?” I cut off his unfinished sarcasm directly, gently stroking the baby’s soft skin. “I’m a guy.”

“A guy?” Yan Dong sat up, as if he’d just heard something hilarious, propping his elbows on his knees and letting out a low chuckle. “How are you going to prove you’re a guy?”

“Didn’t you already know I used to be a guy?”

“When did I ever say that?”

The playful smile on Yan Dong’s face made it clear he was just teasing me again. Unable to help myself, I rolled my eyes at him and cleared my throat. “Anyway, I am a guy.”

“Alright then, since you’re a guy, you shouldn’t blush just because I’m staring at you, right?”

“Why would I blush just because you’re staring at me?”

He snorted, then really did fix his gaze on me without saying a word. At first, it didn’t feel like anything, maybe just a little awkward. But as time passed, his gaze began to feel like a thorny vine, inching slowly over my shoulders beneath my thin suit jacket, and in the end, I couldn’t control the faint heat rising in my cheeks.

“Lin Yunxia, you’re blushing.”

“I’m not.”

“Still denying it? Want me to take a picture and show you?”

“No.” When he pulled out his phone, the metallic edge gleamed coldly. Instinctively, I hugged Duo Duo closer. The scent of milk and cedar tangled at the tip of my nose, and I could clearly see the redness at the tips of my ears in the camera lens. “Don’t you dare!”

“I thought your head was filled only with legal codes. I didn’t expect you could actually get shy.” He chuckled, finger poised over the camera button, but under my murderous glare he could only tuck his phone away in defeat. “Where were we? Oh right, you blushing.”

“Young Master…”

“Alright, alright, so boring. My pure-hearted little maid has never had a kid, so where’d you learn all these childcare skills?”

I cleared my throat and steadied myself before telling him the truth. “Actually, after the college entrance exams, I worked as an Auntie Nanny for over a month.”

“Auntie Nanny?” Yan Dong put the half-finished bottle into the bottle warmer and turned back. “But aren’t you… a guy?” He asked seriously, as if genuinely wondering whether I was lying.

“Guys can do this work too. It actually pays pretty well. For someone like me who desperately needed money, it was perfect.” I lowered my eyes as my thoughts drifted to the not-so-distant past. “Jobs were hard to find, but in the end, one family offered me twenty thousand a month to stay.”

“Twenty thousand? That much?”

“Yeah.” I heard myself calmly recount the past. “For thirty-seven days straight, changing diapers from five in the morning to making formula late at night. That child had Congenital Heart Disease, couldn’t cry for more than two minutes at a time, and needed constant blood pressure monitoring.”

I lowered my gaze, gently caressing the baby’s soft cheek. Unlike the thin, blue-lipped child in my memory, the baby in my arms now had a healthy, rosy complexion.

“I actually liked that job a lot. Even though I was exhausted every day and just wanted to sleep, that family was really nice, and the baby was adorable. It’s just that…” By the time I pulled myself from that not-so-distant memory, Yan Dong had already finished warming the milk for me. “It’s just that on the day Mama was diagnosed with lung cancer, I had to hold a feverish child in the ER until dawn.”

My vision blurred for a moment, but soon I was surrounded by the scent of cedar—Yan Dong had somehow crouched down in front of the sofa. Looking up at me, his hoodie collar fell open, revealing faint red marks left by Duo Duo’s little hands below his collarbone.

“And then?” He handed me the bottle, a bit clumsily, with milk powder still smeared on his palm.

Taking the warm bottle, I tested the flow and temperature before gently touching the nipple to the baby’s lips. “On the day I quit, my employer gave me an extra half month’s pay.” As I slipped the nipple back into Duo Duo’s mouth, she instinctively grabbed it with both hands and drank eagerly. “When I walked out of the Villa District, I received the Reimbursement Bill for the chemotherapy drugs. At that moment, I wondered if Mama would leave me too because of my incompetence.”

The sunset just happened to shine through the double-paned glass, casting a soft halo over the baby’s fuzzy hair. The little one in my arms had beautiful eyes and adorably puffed cheeks.

Maybe I’d stared at this warm scene for too long. By the time I realized it, I’d already laid bare the most private memories of my heart to him.

“The night Mama finished her third round of Chemotherapy, she held me tight and kept apologizing.” As the bottle emptied, my fingertips unconsciously traced the dimples on Duo Duo’s hand. “She always felt like she was a burden. I think if she hadn’t been worried about me, she would have given up on treatment long ago.”

Maybe when a person is lost in memories, they just talk more. My vacant gaze made me feel as if some switch had been flipped, and I couldn’t stop talking. “I never thought she was a burden to me. On the contrary, if she hadn’t been by my side, I might not have had the courage to keep living.” Hugging the baby gently, I felt the same warmth as when Uncle Yan had held me in the past. “All I ever wanted was to stay by the side of the ones I love.”

Yan Dong, now sitting back on the sofa, uncharacteristically stayed silent for a long time. Only after my words faded did he finally speak, leaving me at a loss for how to respond.

“That must have felt so powerless back then.”