Chapter 37: Can’t Say It

” R-right, that makes sense too.” Li Sisi scratched her head. “Then okay, I don’t have anything else to ask.”

She stood up and waved at Jiang Yueming.

“I’m heading back first. Bye.”

“Bye.” Jiang Yueming waved back as well.

The high ponytail bounced away and soon disappeared into the distance beyond the sports field.

The area under the parasol tree fell quiet once more.

“You’re not going back?” Jiang Yueming noticed that Wen Xiaoyu had no intention of leaving.

Wen Xiaoyu lowered her head and glanced at him without answering.

Instead, she sat down beside him, leaving roughly an arm’s length between them.

Jiang Yueming turned to look at her.

She was gazing toward the distant court. Sunlight filtered through the leaves and left dappled spots of light on the side of her face.

Her expression remained as calm as ever, yet today Jiang Yueming kept feeling like she had something on her mind.

“Those things Li Sisi said just now,” Wen Xiaoyu said. “Don’t take them to heart.”

“What things?”

“Just… the stuff about you and Xia He.”

Jiang Yueming smiled, his tone light. “It’s fine. Girls are a bit gossipy. That’s normal.”

Wen Xiaoyu lowered her eyes.

This time she looked at the leaf that had been blown to her feet.

Girls are a bit gossipy… Does that mean I can be gossipy too?

“You think,” she asked, “that I’m gossipy?”

“You?” Jiang Yueming answered without thinking. “No. You don’t usually talk much at all.”

“Mm.”

Wen Xiaoyu responded softly.

She bent down, picked up the leaf by her foot, and slowly spun it between her fingertips for two circles.

“Then… can I be gossipy once today too?” Her voice paused for a moment.

“What do you mean?”

She took a deep breath and finally turned to face him directly.

“You and Xia He. Are you together?”

The question came too directly.

Jiang Yueming froze for a second.

He had already been asked this question dozens of times today. His deskmate, his friends, his best friend Dong Ziyang — everyone who knew him and even those who didn’t kept asking over and over without getting tired of it.

“No, we’re not.”

Wen Xiaoyu met his eyes, as if trying to judge whether the words were true.

“But the whole school saw you two holding hands at the school gate this morning.”

“Holding hands doesn’t mean we’re together.”

The words left Jiang Yueming’s mouth before he could stop them.

The moment he said it, he regretted it.

The sentence sounded exactly like something a scumbag who refused to take responsibility would say.

“Then what does it mean?” Wen Xiaoyu asked.

What did it mean…

Jiang Yueming didn’t know either.

He suddenly felt irritated.

Why did everyone keep chasing after him and asking the same questions? Couldn’t they give him a moment to breathe?

“I don’t know what it means either,” his tone grew heavier. “It was just holding hands. It’s not a big deal.”

“Then do you like her?”

“I like—” Jiang Yueming’s voice suddenly rose half an octave before he abruptly cut himself off.

He stared at Wen Xiaoyu’s face, went silent for half a second, then quickly looked away.

“It’s nothing.”

Wen Xiaoyu seemed to notice something.

She leaned in a little closer. “Who do you like?”

Jiang Yueming’s voice came out muffled. “No one.”

Wen Xiaoyu refused to let it go.

A small flame had lit up inside those usually calm eyes.

“You were clearly about to say it just now.”

Jiang Yueming was forced to lean back a little to his left, but he still kept his neck stiff.

“You heard wrong.”

“I didn’t hear wrong.”

“You heard wrong.” Jiang Yueming refused to look at her.

“Jiang Yueming,” Wen Xiaoyu called his name. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

The wind suddenly picked up, sweeping the leaf by his shoe across the ground.

Jiang Yueming felt a surge of anger, as if he had been backed into a corner with nowhere left to retreat.

“Then why don’t you tell me first? Who do you like?”

The moment the words left his mouth, the air went completely still.

Wen Xiaoyu’s offensive was instantly stopped.

It was as if Jiang Yueming’s counterattack had hit her directly.

When this question she had never considered before was suddenly placed in front of her, she didn’t know how to answer either.

Someone I like?

Do I have one?

Jiang Yueming stared intently at her face.

His heart quietly sped up as he waited for an answer to come out of her mouth — something that would either make him happy or disappointed.

Wen Xiaoyu lowered her head.

All of her earlier momentum had vanished.

If I had to name someone I like… probably no one, she thought.

She secretly glanced at Jiang Yueming beside her and found him watching her with full concentration.

His eyes looked both nervous and expectant.

She moved her gaze away and let it fall back onto the leaf in her hand.

To answer this question, I first need to know what it feels like to like someone.

What does it feel like to like someone?

Wen Xiaoyu didn’t know.

Books never taught it.

Teachers and elders never discussed this topic during high school either.

No one had ever taught her what liking someone meant, or what she should do if she did like someone.

She had been troubled by this question before.

So she clumsily searched for answers, hoping that, like always, she could find them in books.

She had flipped through an extracurricular novel.

It was because her essays weren’t improving, so that day she went to the library and opened this book.

The book gave her an answer: Liking someone means you care about them.

Wen Xiaoyu thought about it.

Who did she care about?

She cared about her parents.

She cared about her grades.

She cared about whether the cafeteria had tomato and egg noodles today.

She cared about whether everyone turned in their homework notebooks on time.

These were all things she cared about.

But did that mean she liked them?

Probably not.

She searched the book again and turned to another page.

It said: Liking someone means you think about them. You wonder what they’re doing and whether they’re happy today.

Wen Xiaoyu did think about things too.

She thought about whether tomorrow’s homework was finished.

She thought about whether she had reviewed for next week’s exams.

She thought about whether she should go to the bookstore during the holidays to buy new exercise books.

These were all things she thought about.

But did that mean she liked them?

Probably not either.

She felt the answers in the book were too vague.

It was like a one-size-fits-all piece of clothing.

Everyone who wore it said it fit, but no one could wear it in their own unique way.

She needed something more specific.

Something that would let her immediately recognize, Ah, so this is what liking someone feels like.

She kept flipping through the pages.

The author said that liking someone means feeling uncomfortable when you see them together with someone else.

She thought about it.

In recent days, what had made her feel uncomfortable?

Ah. It was that newly changed school uniform.

She had forgotten to cut off the tag on the clothes.

During class it kept scratching her and making her uncomfortable.

She remembered that day.

When Xia He first appeared at the door of their classroom, she had been sitting in her seat reading.

That tag had been scratching her the whole time and made her very uncomfortable.

The next day Xia He came again.

Then the third day, the fourth day…

Until this morning, when she appeared on the campus forum.

Wen Xiaoyu had seen that post.

Her deskmate had passed the phone over and said, “Quick, look. Xia He actually has a boyfriend.”

In the photo was the back view of Jiang Yueming holding Xia He’s hand as they walked through the crowd.

She looked at the photo for two seconds.

Then she returned the phone to her deskmate and said “Oh,” before continuing to read her book.

Her deskmate asked her, “Don’t you feel surprised?”

“Not really.”

She only felt that the tag was scratching her more and more, making her heart feel uneasy.

But she had clearly already cut the tag off.

She reached up and touched her collar.

It was smooth. There was nothing there.

“Wen Xiaoyu?”

Jiang Yueming raised his hand and waved it in front of her face, waking the girl who had zoned out.

“Hm?”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

Wen Xiaoyu stared at his face for two seconds.

Just when Jiang Yueming thought she was about to give him an answer, she suddenly stood up.

“I’m not telling you.”

She patted the fallen leaves off her skirt and walked away without looking back.

Her small braids swayed gently behind her, neither hurried nor slow.