Chapter 23: Because i know myself well, i hate myself more than anyone else

Allen’s breakdown came like a summer afternoon thunderstorm—fierce and sudden, then just as quickly gone.

Knowing the dark and terrifying truth of the world, many would fall into panic or confusion, but not him.

Not now!

Under immense pressure, Allen exploded with virtue!

The slight moisture in his eyes evaporated instantly, replaced by two blazing flames of madness.

He was done!

Done with this cursed cycle!

Done with fate being toyed with by invisible hands!

He thought it would take a long time to expose the mastermind, but the opponent actually jumped straight into the spotlight?!

The ultimate villain?

What about the ultimate villain?!

Whenever the ultimate villain shows up, their aura shatters completely!

Allen de Laval was the best at tearing down the mighty from their pedestals!

You dare show your health bar?

Even if you’re a god, I’ll bite a chunk of flesh off you!

He ignored the unusually intimate “little sister” claim from Marianne pressing against his chest, along with its suffocating weight (literally), his brain working like an overclocked engine, desperately searching for a way out!

“You plan to do something interesting, that’s good. But I don’t like how humans have been slacking off, so I just deleted your database, so you’ll understand that the meaning of life lies in exploration.”

Evil.

The cold words of the Observer echoed in his mind.

What Allen had to do?

Play the Messenger of God!

He knew about this plan; Allen wasn’t surprised.

But did the Observer really delete the database just because it “didn’t like humans slacking off”?

Allen’s gaze darkened.

This guy was definitely lying!

At least partly!

Like that line: “I’ve never seen your human Creator.”

Even if true, so what?

What does the Scripture say?

“When the Messenger completes their mission, God will awaken fully. Their light will illuminate the universe, banishing eternally those evil beings lurking deep in the stars.”

The Observer, who often “raised” and destroyed humans in the name of a “test,” surely belonged to the “evil” camp!

It seemed the Observer didn’t get along with other evil gods either, calling them annoying.

Ha! Just dogs biting dogs!

Interesting!

Allen was planning to impersonate the Messenger of God, and that very night, the Observer came to “have tea” with him?

With that kind of prestige, wouldn’t that be beneath them?

Could it be…they feared that this fake Messenger might become a real one?!

What was the Messenger of God’s mission?

“To end this endless Cycle of Destruction, redirect lost humanity, and lead them back to God’s Paradise.”

Who caused the Cycle of Destruction?

The Observer!

Where was God’s Paradise?

Most likely Earth!

The Observer deleted humanity’s technological database out of fear humans would unleash full tech and fly their ships back to their Earth homeland!

Once humans return to Earth, the Messenger’s mission is complete, and God awakens!

God awakens, first thing is to expel evil beings like the Observer who lurk among the stars!

That’s what it feared!

Allen suddenly understood everything.

Villains die because they talk too much!

If the Observer hadn’t stepped out, he might have remained in the dark!

Now his mind was clear!

His original plan to survive using the Ark was likely doomed.

The Observer’s power level was terrifying; the pre-space era civilization’s Ark was nothing but paper in the face of godly might!

Looks like Allen had no choice but to become the Messenger of God!

The fake Messenger had to act like the real one!

Act so well that even the Sleeper God would believe Allen was truly sent by Him!

Livia?

Hah, just a cocky upstart, nothing before the Observer!

Not even worthy of sitting at the table!

Still, even after all this thinking, Allen found the Observer’s approach suspicious.

Was his thought process deliberately guided?

Maybe the Scripture was a prophecy, and God’s Paradise (Earth) was currently safe.

Allen might just be the clever fool led astray by the Evil Whispers of the stars, leading humanity back to Earth—their true home—thus unwittingly showing the evil beings hidden deep in the stars the path to humanity’s paradise.

Allen thought he was a savior, but in truth, he was the guide for the enemy!

This kind of trick wasn’t rare.

Using mortal wisdom to guess the will of God often ended up in traps.

But Allen had no choice!

To survive and overturn the game, he had to play the Messenger of God!

With the primary problem solved, Allen finally had energy to deal with secondary issues.

“Why are you here?!”

Allen struggled to push Marianne away but couldn’t muster strength with her pressing so firmly against his chest.

Marianne tilted her head, wearing a “You asked a silly question” expression.

She said matter-of-factly, “I’m your little sister; waking you up isn’t that normal?”

Allen fell into thought.

He and Marianne weren’t close enough for her to joke and call him brother.

Only one explanation—this was a test!

Marianne was probing his reaction!

His brain spun rapidly, piecing together the truth.

“Marianne, be honest. What’s going on? You suddenly calling yourself my sister must mean something! Did you and my father make some kind of deal?”

Marianne fell silent immediately.

She just wanted to try what it felt like to be a little sister…after all, she’d only ever been an older sister.

But the young master was too sharp! She got exposed so quickly!

No wonder he was the master!

“Actually, the master adopted me as his foster daughter.”

Marianne instantly betrayed Bernard.

As long as she didn’t mention the Messenger of God, this info was harmless.

“Oh… really?!”

Allen finally exploded, shoving the little maid off his chest and sitting up gasping, still shaken as he looked at her.

“Is that true?”

Marianne nodded, “The old butler was there too.”

“Oh dear, my father really is something.”

Allen was not surprised.

He knew his father wanted a daughter to some extent.

He just hadn’t expected Marianne would be willing to reconcile with him and his father.

Did she really like Livia that much?

Wait!

Alarm bells rang in Allen’s mind!

Marianne became his foster sister, which meant his planned Marianne x Livia yuri pairing would step on a landmine!

How could the yuri heroine have a brother?

If yuri got a whiff of a man’s presence, could it still be pure yuri?!

But… if Livia became Marianne’s sister-in-law, wouldn’t that be a sister-in-law x younger aunt yuri theme…?

That forbidden feeling…

It might even be more exciting?!

Allen instantly unlocked a new idea!

“Fine, sister it is,” Allen waved his hand, “Just don’t forget your mission.”

“Of course, big brother.”

Marianne sweetly replied.

My mission is to protect you!

“That ‘big brother’ sounds weird.”

Allen wasn’t a sister-complex type; hearing “big brother” just made him uncomfortable.

“Then I’ll keep calling you young master.”

Allen suddenly remembered, “Speaking of which, since father adopted you as a foster daughter, you don’t have to be a maid anymore, right?”

“No!”

Marianne responded fiercely, “I am your maid first! Then your sister! That will never change!”

“Why insist on such a meaningless thing…”

“It’s not meaningless!”

Marianne got agitated, “You promised! From now on, our relationship is purely master and servant! That will never change! This is important!”

“Promise is such a heavy thing?”

Allen felt a headache coming.

“Of course!”

Even Allen, slow as he could be, caught on.

Marianne’s feelings for him went beyond master and servant into twisted dependence.

She mistook this trauma-driven, pathological narcissistic attachment for “love.”

She insisted on “master-servant” identity only to freeze their relationship, avoiding revisiting past trauma and preserving her fragile self.

She saw Allen as a vessel to bear her pathological self-worth—not true love.

Yes, Allen wasn’t slow at all; in fact, he was practically a master of psychoanalysis.

For humans, the most inescapable fear is death.

For Allen, who had died and been reborn 999 times, he wasn’t afraid of death itself—only afraid he wouldn’t find true peace.

Allen had endured countless psychological traumas (like being killed repeatedly by some cocky upstart), leading to severe fearful attachment.

He feared forming intimate bonds with the opposite sex; subconsciously, he believed the only reason they’d stay was to kill him.

It was because of Allen’s subconscious fear of women that the Observer, an indescribable being, appeared to him in female form.

Allen’s resistance to the “big brother” title came from sensing Marianne’s love in that intimacy.

For someone like him, lacking security, being loved triggered overwhelming shame.

Allen was hypersensitive, fully aware of his own incurable madness and cowardice.

Character determines fate; all of Allen’s suffering was self-inflicted, no one else to blame.

Allen mentioned Livia every day, but the one he truly hated and despised was powerless himself.

Because he understood himself too well, he hated himself more than anyone else.

Allen felt nothing for yandere types because he saw their pathological nature.

Yandere was illness, not a romantic moe trait.

He set up Marianne and Livia to help treat Marianne, to lessen her pathological dependence on a single relationship.

Perhaps only childhood friends like Livia and Marianne, both scarred by childhood trauma, could turn “yandere love” into “true love.”

The yuri he wanted to see wasn’t shallow clinginess but a happy ending for everyone.

And Allen de Laval?

His only task was to exclude himself from happiness.

He was the villain, not a psychological defense but an objective identity, the root of all suffering.

He could not love anyone because he was destined to betray all love.

He couldn’t save his father, nor himself.

But at least, he hoped Marianne could find happiness after his death.

That was a debt he owed her and had to repay.

“Marianne…”

Allen looked at the girl who was both maid and “sister” with complicated expression, “I…can never return your feelings. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

Marianne answered without hesitation.

“Good, so you must be with Livia…”

Allen didn’t finish.

Marianne suddenly leaned forward, cupping Allen’s cheeks with both hands, and pressed a gentle, brief, but incredibly clear kiss on his forehead.

Allen’s mind went completely blank!

Marianne stepped back, smiling brightly with a hint of mischief as she saw Allen’s stunned face: “Do you still think you can keep running away now?”

“Why?!”

This time Allen truly broke down, his voice trembling!

That kiss shattered his carefully crafted plan, his villain purity, and the fragile mental defenses he had rebuilt with great effort!

Since rebirth this cycle, Allen had been constantly on edge, facing death crises nonstop.

Now, that string holding his sanity snapped completely, helplessness and fear overwhelmed him.

His body shook uncontrollably, unable to maintain the carefree villain mask, revealing his truest vulnerability and self.

“What did I do wrong?! Tell me! Is wanting you to be happy really wrong?! Why can’t you understand my intentions?! Can’t you just carry out the plan I gave you?!”

“Whoever I’m with, it will only end in tragedy! I can’t bring happiness to anyone! Not even myself!”

“Please…stay away from me! I’m a monster! I hate this world! I just want to destroy everything!”

“I don’t care about humanity’s survival! Even if this world is destroyed, what does it have to do with me? After I die, who cares about floods and fires!”

“Is there even a tiny bit of this world worth loving?! I love this world, but did it ever love me? It only wants to kill me!”

“Enough…I can’t keep playing this damned villain anymore. Marianne, I don’t want you to love me, I just want you to hate me! So…kill me already…”

Allen curled up, voice filled with desperate sobs.

His heart had broken long ago.

He just acted well enough to fool even himself.

The Observer’s arrival was just the last straw breaking the camel’s back.

He reverted to who he was at the start—

A small-time villain in Starshine Serenade—

Allen de Laval.