“Why aren’t you saying anything? It shouldn’t be like this!”
Xu Duyan grabbed Su Ziyan’s hand, crying as she asked,
“You should be relying on me, your older sister, a lot more!”
Even though he had lost his sight, Su Ziyan could vividly imagine what Xu Duyan looked like right now just from hearing her heartbroken voice.
It was really strange. He had never seen her lose control like this since they were children.
So why could he picture her expression so clearly…?
Su Ziyan froze. In that moment, he suddenly felt as if he had been transported back to the chaotic scene of the car accident.
Back then, everything before his eyes had gone pitch black as he lay in his sister’s arms.
Xu Duyan had also cried with the same heartbreaking voice, telling him,
“You won’t die. I like you. When we get back, let’s be together…”
Su Ziyan opened his eyes and turned his head toward his sister sitting beside him.
The morning sunlight was just right, allowing him to make out her blurry outline through the light.
He could imagine Xu Duyan’s face covered in tears, even though he couldn’t see anything clearly.
“Sister.”
Su Ziyan looked in the direction he imagined her crying face to be and said seriously,
“I know you’re really worried about me, but we’re both adults now.”
Xu Duyan could no longer see Su Ziyan clearly either—her tears had blurred her vision.
She wondered if the world looked this way in his eyes too, or rather, she didn’t dare imagine how much blurrier Su Ziyan’s sight must be compared to hers.
Then Su Ziyan reached out with his other hand and gently stroked her cheek, tenderly wiping away her tears.
In that moment, Xu Duyan had the illusion that Su Ziyan had really returned to how he was before the accident. That for the past month, he hadn’t been acting at all—he had truly been slowly recovering and getting better.
As if that terrible accident had only been a nightmare.
But the illusion was quickly shattered by Su Ziyan. Once he finished wiping the tears from her eyes, her vision cleared again, and she saw the Su Ziyan in front of her.
Those same lifeless eyes, and the terrifying scar still running across the bridge of his nose, adding a fragile, broken feeling to the once perfectly clean young man.
Seeing her blind younger brother comforting her so gently with such soft eyes, Xu Duyan—who was a fully sighted person—suddenly couldn’t cry anymore.
The sadness and frustration stayed bottled up inside her. Feeling at a loss, she could only awkwardly change the subject.
“Of course I know that, but special situations call for special treatment.”
Even she could hear how stiff her own tone sounded.
“But since you’re asking for it, we can try it first and then decide.”
Su Ziyan nodded, but before he could say “okay,” Xu Duyan continued.
“Actually… you’ve been acting this whole time, haven’t you?”
After saying that, she felt Su Ziyan’s body stiffen for a moment. He then smiled and asked her why she thought he was acting.
Looking at his forced smile, Xu Duyan spoke seriously:
“Actually, for the past month, you’ve been acting the whole time, haven’t you? Pretending you don’t care, pretending to be cheerful… Doesn’t that make you feel…”
“It makes me really happy.”
Su Ziyan interrupted her, speaking earnestly.
“Even though sometimes I feel very sad inside, and even though negative emotions take up most of the time when I’m performing, it still makes me happy.”
Su Ziyan spoke his true feelings directly.
“No matter how complicated these emotions are, and no matter whether sadness or happiness takes up a bigger part, these days still make me feel very satisfied.”
“I told you before—before I went blind, I never imagined blindness would affect me this much. After actually losing my sight, that feeling of despair surrounds me every single moment.”
“But now that despair isn’t as heavy as it used to be. Because these extremely messy emotions fill my heart, I feel satisfied.”
“Isn’t this developing in a good direction? Sister, you should keep being happy like before. Only when you’re happy can I be happy…”
“How could I possibly be happy?!”
Xu Duyan looked at Su Ziyan acting so matter-of-fact and felt like she was about to explode with anger.
“How could I possibly feel happy watching my younger brother force a smile every day and live in a lie?”
“How could I just stand by and watch you wrong yourself?!”
Xu Duyan cupped Su Ziyan’s face with both hands, bringing their faces so close that their noses were almost touching.
“A long time ago, I made a vow in my heart—I should never let my boy suffer any grievance!”
Her warm breath brushed against Su Ziyan’s face. He could clearly feel its heat through his skin.
But that heat couldn’t burn away the coldness in his heart.
This was wrong.
“I told you, you should rely on me more!”
This is wrong!
Su Ziyan knew very clearly that if he really did what Xu Duyan said, he would truly become a useless person.
“So what if you’re blind? You don’t need to do anything!”
If he really became that kind of useless person, he would only grow more and more inferior, more and more afraid to face Xu Duyan, even if she didn’t mind.
“So what if I support you for the rest of your life? I’m willing!”
Su Ziyan could clearly sense the seriousness in Xu Duyan’s voice, but he couldn’t accept it.
Because if he really followed what she said, he would only feel more and more empty, and that despair would surround him once again.
Rather, he had already sunk into despair. The only way to fill the bottomless hole in his heart was to keep finding things to do—whether those things were good or bad for him.
If he had nothing to do and became a parasite living off the person he loved, he wouldn’t be able to stand it.
“I don’t want that…”
“Huh?”
Xu Duyan was stunned. Su Ziyan had just replied, but his voice was so quiet that in her emotional state, she couldn’t hear it clearly.
“I said I don’t want that.”
Su Ziyan spoke word by word. He gently pushed away the hands holding his face.
“If it comes to that, then what’s the point of me being alive?”
“If I really have to become that kind of useless burden to you, then I’d rather die.”
Hearing Su Ziyan’s words, Xu Duyan forgot how to breathe for a moment. Everything before her eyes went black.
“You… what are you saying…”
Xu Duyan found it hard to even speak now.
“Can you please not say things like wanting to die? I don’t like hearing those kinds of jokes…”
“I’m not joking. If it really has to be that way, then I’d rather die.”