“You want to say that again?! I’m a 34-year-old man, and you just said you want me to be what?”
Song Wuli felt like he must have misheard.
“Please become a magical girl.”
“No way.”
The small, cat-like creature with no tail was covered in blood, lying on the ground, looking extremely weak.
It continued, “I’m about to die. You’re the human with the highest compatibility I found before my death. Your compatibility is incredibly high, the highest I’ve ever seen…”
“NO.”
“Listen to me first, human. You will definitely become an outstanding magical girl, stronger than anyone else.”
“Oyster.”
“Human, aren’t you afraid of aging? As long as you become a magical girl, you can gain eternal life. You’ll also gain immense power, able to do anything without restraint.”
“Have I not seen Madoka Magica? You talk about eternal life, but the average lifespan is only one year. You’re good at cherry-picking, huh? Who’re you trying to fool, little buddy? This ‘eternal life’—whoever wants it can have it.”
Song Wuli planned to retreat but suddenly noticed the dying creature move, conjuring an ornate, single-handed magic wand out of thin air.
With all its strength, it threw the wand toward Song Wuli.
Song Wuli’s reaction speed was insanely fast.
He dodged, not daring to touch the wand.
The wand flew past him and fell to the ground.
“Touching that thing binds me, right? Trying to ambush me? Trying to force me to bind? When I was young, I watched more magical girl anime than the meals you’ve eaten.”
Song Wuli smirked triumphantly.
Suddenly, the creature spat out a mouthful of blood, seemingly down to its last breath.
Song Wuli frowned but walked over.
He asked, “Even though I won’t become a magical girl, I can try to fulfill your dying wish. Is there anything you haven’t done?”
The creature struggled to raise its paw.
Song Wuli tried to pick it up, but the creature suddenly swiped, scratching his hand and drawing blood.
His blood stained the creature’s paw.
Suddenly, the creature perked up, darting toward the wand lying in the distance, trying to grab it with its bloodied paw.
Song Wuli reacted lightning-fast, sprinting to the wand and kicking it hard, sending it flying to the end of the alley.
His shoe touched the wand, but nothing happened.
The creature missed, collapsing to the ground, reverting to its dying state—it had only been bluffing earlier.
“Trying to bind the wand with my blood for a blood-oath? Naive. Did you think I’d let you succeed?”
Song Wuli smirked triumphantly again.
“Damn it.”
The creature was weak.
“What will it take… for you to become a magical girl, human?”
Song Wuli: “Maybe in twenty years, when I’m 16, I’ll become a magical girl.”
The creature: “But aren’t you 34? Why would you be 16 in twenty years?”
It clearly didn’t get the human’s joke.
Song Wuli: “In short, not in this lifetime. I admire those magical girls who fight to protect humanity, but admiration is one thing—I don’t want to be one. No way.”
The thought of a 34-year-old man fighting in a frilly magical girl outfit—ugh, it gave him goosebumps.
That kind of thing?
Absolutely not!
If anyone found out, his life would be ruined.
And miracles and magic aren’t free.
The more this creature tried to force him into a contract, the more suspicious it seemed.
The cost was probably steep.
“Human, today… you don’t get a choice.”
The creature spat out a menacing line.
Suddenly, the world lost its color.
Spit flying in the air, cars driving outside, and a trash bag floating midair—all froze.
Time had stopped.
The blood-covered creature struggled to its feet, scratched Song Wuli’s leg to draw blood again, and deliberately held a drop of fresh blood floating in the air, slowly walking toward the distant wand.
Its lonely, desolate figure seemed utterly tragic.
Suddenly, it noticed something and looked back, witnessing a shocking scene.
The 34-year-old man was moving—slowly, ten times slower than normal.
This was absurd. He could move during a time freeze?
Why did this 34-year-old man have such terrifying magic resistance?
Wasn’t he just a human?
The creature grew more hopeful, increasingly convinced this was the right choice.
Even if it meant forcing him, he had to become a magical girl.
The creature quickened its pace toward the wand.
The time freeze couldn’t hold and was released.
The world returned to normal.
“No!”
Song Wuli let out a heart-wrenching scream, sprinting forward.
Too late.
The creature had already let the drop of blood fall onto the wand.
The blood was absorbed into the wand, which emitted a dazzling light.
It was over.
He was bound.
“Quick, human, say the oath to complete the ritual!”
The creature was thrilled.
“No, I refuse.”
Song Wuli resisted.
He felt his body heat up, glowing faintly, in a strange state.
The creature: “Fine, I wanted to give you some agency by letting you say it, but if you won’t, whatever. The contract is already sealed.”
It spat another mouthful of blood, lying on the ground, still clinging to life, barely.
The burning sensation faded, and Song Wuli returned to normal.
He quickly left, not daring to stay.
The creature shouted, “Take the wand—it’s everything to you!”
Song Wuli ignored it and bolted.
He hopped on a late-night bus, checking his body constantly.
No changes—maybe it was a false alarm.
Thinking of the creature’s dying state, he felt a pang of guilt.
At the next stop, he got off and walked back to the alley that had changed his life.
The creature was still alive, still lying there.
It had picked up the wand and held it, like a pet guarding its master’s treasure in its final moments.
At that moment, even Song Wuli was moved.
He walked over, stood beside it, and asked, “Still alive?”
The creature: “Alive.”
Song Wuli: “What’s your final wish?”
The creature: “I hope you’ll accept your mission, become a great magical girl, and protect humanity.”
Song Wuli: “What’s your name? You have one, right? QB? Paimon?”
The creature: “My name is Diamond.”
“Huh? Diamond?”
Song Wuli held back a snarky comment.
He asked Diamond about the wounds covering its body.
Diamond briefly explained it had encountered a vicious otherworldly demon, a high-ranking one.
As a mascot konstater with no combat ability, Diamond had fought desperately to escape but was gravely injured and near death.
Those wounds couldn’t be healed by magic or human means.
Song Wuli sat silently by Diamond’s side.
Ten minutes passed.
He was getting impatient.
Diamond suddenly asked, “What are you waiting for?”
Song Wuli: “This might sound rude… but… how long until you die?”
Diamond: “I don’t know.”
It coughed up more blood, looking as if it could die any moment.
Ten more minutes passed, and Diamond still hadn’t died.
Song Wuli asked again, “Any requests for your grave? I can at least fulfill that.”
Diamond: “Thank you, human. No, I mean, thank you, partner.”
Another half-hour passed.
The atmosphere was already somber, and Song Wuli didn’t want to break it.
Seeing it was late and the last bus had gone, he sat beside Diamond, leaning against the wall to rest.
He dozed off for a few hours, probably from exhaustion.
He woke, not naturally, but from an eerie feeling, like danger was approaching—something repulsive in the distance.
He checked his phone: 3 a.m.
Diamond’s eyes were closed, but its body still rose and fell.
It wasn’t dead.
Song Wuli nudged it with his foot.
It woke up, looking exhausted.
After a while, it fully snapped awake, startled: “A demon is approaching. Transform now!”
“No, I refuse.”
Song Wuli picked up Diamond, who clung to the wand.
He quickly left the alley, running.
He realized his body had changed.
He could sense the demon’s presence, roughly its direction and distance.
It was a few kilometers away, behind him.
Diamond watched Song Wuli run, deliberately moving away from the demon.
“You can sense the demon?”
Diamond was excited.
Song Wuli nodded.
Diamond: “You truly have the innate holy body of a magical girl. Newly awakened magical girls usually need to transform to sense them, and even then, not from so far.”
Damn it!
Song Wuli didn’t bother arguing, just kept running.
As a human, he couldn’t outrun a demon.
It seemed to sense him or Diamond, closing in fast.
In less than a minute, it was only a few hundred meters away.
Diamond: “Transform now and take out the demon!”
Song Wuli: “Me? Fight a demon? Are you serious?”
Demons, monstrous invaders of Earth, could easily take out armed military squads, even the weakest ones.
They were generally immune to blades and bullets; human weapons struggled to pierce their defenses.
Him, fight a demon? That was a death sentence.
Diamond: “Stop dawdling. Once you transform, you can easily defeat it.”
Song Wuli kept running at full speed.
He thought to himself:
A 34-year-old ordinary man, no girlfriend.
Burdened with a mortgage, repeatedly facing company layoffs but barely surviving each time.
Every day at work, wondering whether to step in with his left foot or right.
To keep his job, he voluntarily worked late, outlasting batch after batch of colleagues who couldn’t keep up.
A recent checkup revealed a host of issues: osteoporosis, minor cervical problems, high blood pressure, and some kidney stones.
And you want me to fight a demon?
One punch from that thing would turn a human into dumpling filling.
Diamond: “Fine, I wanted to give you some agency, but if you won’t transform, don’t blame me.”
Diamond jumped from his arms, holding the wand, and pointed it at Song Wuli.
“Magical girl, transform!”
Diamond shouted.
Holy crap, Song Wuli got goosebumps.
This was too embarrassing.
To shout that out loud?
Even on an empty street, how much courage would that take?
Suddenly, his body glowed. “No way!
Can you force me to transform?
Don’t I have human rights?”
His body was enveloped in light, shrinking rapidly.
Intense discomfort hit, and he collapsed.
He didn’t dare run anymore, standing up with the wall’s support.
His body had shrunk dramatically; his suit and shirt fell off.
His nearly 180cm height dropped to about 150cm, petite yet curvy, with a modest but noticeable chest.
His once broad, thick hands became slender and delicate.
His hair, wrapped in light, grew down to his thighs, turning silver from the roots in seconds, becoming a crystalline silver.
A black, gothic-style dress appeared on him, elegant and luxurious.
As he transformed, Song Wuli kept shouting, “Holy crap, holy crap!”
The scene was too surreal.
Finally, the wand glowed, transforming into a long, two-handed staff.
The glow on his body and staff faded, revealing the complete form.
Truly a magical girl, the perfect balance between loli and young woman.
A pair of cool, bewitching eyes paired with delicate, flawless features formed a perfect face.
Her silver hair flowed naturally, like luxurious, silky satin.
There was no trace of Song Wuli in this girl; they shared no resemblance.
His first reaction after transforming wasn’t to run.
He touched his face—no more stubble.
He patted the skirt—his “buddy” was gone.
He glared at Diamond: “Can my thing come back? Don’t tell me this is permanent.”
Diamond nodded: “You’ll revert when you undo the transformation.”
That’s a relief.
At least it wasn’t a 34-year-old man in a magical girl outfit.
Since it was a new body and his real identity wasn’t exposed, it wasn’t entirely unacceptable.
the joke is too weird
if magical girls realistically existed in their world.
the media trying to slandered or portrayed magical girls as victims deceived by mascot . or magical girl live depressed life
could also mean magical girls appeared long after this type of media already existed.