I’m in the process of learning more about my older sister, piece by piece.
It’s been five years since we’ve been apart, and in that time, there have been quite a few changes about her.
Or rather, perhaps it’s not so much that she changed but that new facets of her have emerged.
I never thought my sister could be this passionate about coffee.
I knew she liked it. After all, she’d taken me to cafés countless times, so how could I not know?
But even so, I had never seriously thought about her dreams.
I knew what major she studied in, and I had heard about what she was learning, but… strangely enough, I never asked her what she wanted to do.
To me, my sister had always been someone a few steps ahead.
When I took a few steps forward, she had already moved even further ahead.
She never asked anyone for advice or let herself be swayed by others. She simply looked straight ahead and kept walking forward.
I would just follow behind her, watching her back, steadily chasing after her.
To me, she was always an adult.
Even when I was in elementary school, middle school, or high school.
Even when I reached the age she had been at those times, she still felt like an adult to me.
So I never saw a reason to give her advice or anything of the sort.
She was someone who always carved her own path.
If she had a dream, I thought it was only natural she’d achieve it. If there was something she wanted, I thought she’d surely pursue it.
That’s what I believed.
But…
Sunlight streams in through the window, illuminating my sister.
The weather was already freezing. It wasn’t even appropriate to call it autumn anymore.
But at the same time, the sun refused to hide its face. The sky, without a single cloud, sent down clear, brilliant rays of light.
The sunlight pouring into the shop bathed my sister in its glow.
The sight was so beautiful that I stared, utterly captivated.
…Yes, my sister was still beautiful. She was still an adult.
But something about her felt different from the way I perceived her as a child.
This bakery wasn’t something my sister started because she wanted to.
With the help of a pastor, she took over a shop that had originally been run by the church.
She never once mentioned that she wanted to bake bread.
I understand.
Not everyone lives their life achieving their dreams.
Some people find happiness elsewhere, and even those who achieve their dreams can feel disillusioned and let them go.
But… that’s not what I’m thinking about right now.
What I’m wondering is: what did my sister want to do back then? What kind of person did she want to be?
And now? What does she want to do now? What kind of person does she want to become?
These are things I never even thought to consider as a child. But now, they’re gradually coming to mind.
I thought we always did everything together, shared everything, knew everything about each other.
But in reality, there’s so much we don’t know about each other.
…Not that I could suddenly start asking about it now.
“Hmm?”
Noticing my gaze, my sister lifted her head from her book and looked at me.
Her eyes were as warm and clear as ever.
“What? Is something wrong?”
“No.”
I ended up smiling in response to her words.
“It’s just… my eyes happened to wander over there.”
“What? That’s such a weird thing to say.”
Even as she said that, my sister laughed.
Then she turned to look outside.
“The weather’s nice.”
I followed her gaze to the window.
“It really is. It’s beautiful.”
Of course, it was cold outside. Sure, if you dressed warmly, it was bearable, but it was still freezing.
Yet, regardless of the actual temperature, to us, sitting in this warm bakery and looking out, everything just seemed bright and clear.
We sat there for a while, gazing out the window.
…What do you want to do?
Before asking my sister that, I thought about what I wanted.
The truth is, I never had anything I particularly wanted to do.
I didn’t have a dream I absolutely had to achieve.
I just…
I just wanted to be like this with my sister.
In that sense, I guess you could say I’ve already achieved my dream.
But what about her?
Back then, when she looked at me, did she think the same thing?
If she did…
Could I, now, be as close to her as I was back then?
*
I’ve had many conversations with Shihyun, yet I still feel a bit of a disconnect.
Shihyun doesn’t share much about his personal life.
Well, that’s understandable. It’s not like you can open up completely to a coworker and share every detail of your life.
Still, he could at least tell me about his childhood or his friends. That much would be fine, wouldn’t it?
Yet, even as I think that, I don’t ask Shihyun about his past.
…And the reason for that is deeply personal and selfish.
Just like Yuri mentioned the other day, I keep overlapping Shihyun with that Shihyun.
Even though I know full well they’re two completely different people, I keep seeing him as that person.
I know it’s absurd.
Honestly, even thinking they resemble each other might just be my mind playing tricks on me, forcing me to see it that way.
But still, feelings aren’t something you can control easily.
At some point, I just started thinking that way without meaning to.
And so, I became afraid of hearing about Shihyun’s past.
That past would undoubtedly be different from the one I associate with the Shihyun I knew.
The more I heard about it, the more he would diverge from the Shihyun I once knew.
“…What nonsense is that…”
It’s ridiculous, even though I’m the one thinking it.
More than anything, it’s unfair to Shihyun. To both Shihyuns’.
“…”
Once a week, on my day off, I find myself lying in bed alone, staring at the ceiling.
And that’s when these thoughts keep creeping in.
“…Should I go out?”
Maybe going for a walk would help clear my head.
At the very least, I might think about Shihyun a little less.
“Alright, let’s go.”
I muttered to myself deliberately, forcing myself to move.
Walking aimlessly, as it turned out, did help a bit.
Of course, it didn’t erase my thoughts entirely. But at least it gave me a brief reprieve.
The thought that occupied the largest part of my mind was, of course, about Shihyun.
Among those thoughts, one stood out the most: guilt.
Ever since hearing about it from Yuri, I had been trying—trying to make an effort.
I wanted to tell the Shihyun who now worked with me about the Shihyun I once knew, to explain how I saw that past Shihyun overlapping with them. I wanted to say it, I really did.
But… It wasn’t easy.
The fact that this Shihyun and I had never met before was one thing, but beyond that, both of us were women.
Moreover, even though Shihyun never talked about their past, it wasn’t hard to guess that it was far from light.
I didn’t know exactly what kind of heavy past it was, but still…
“……Ah.”
As I walked, I stopped in front of a store.
It was an accessory shop, selling everything from keychains to necklaces and earrings.
…Come to think of it, Shihyun’s birthday was coming up soon.
October 21st, to be exact. Should I buy them something?
Yeah, that seemed like a good idea.
Nodding to myself, I stepped into the store.
To be honest, I didn’t really know what Shihyun liked. They didn’t usually wear earrings, so maybe they didn’t even have their ears pierced?
If that was the case, a necklace might be a better choice.
Something simple and pretty, not too flashy or uncomfortable.
…Honestly, I couldn’t deny that this was mostly just an excuse. I’d come in here because I felt guilty toward Shihyun.
Still, I wanted to show my feelings.
To let them know how much their presence beside me puts me at ease.
And, if someday they decide to leave this place, I hope we can still keep in touch.
I couldn’t yet tell them that the reason for these feelings was because they reminded me of my first love.
But perhaps, little by little, if we grow closer…
I ended up choosing a simple silver necklace, with almost no decoration on it.
It would suit Shihyun perfectly—Shihyun, who rarely wore flashy clothes and always kept things understated.
“……Huh?”
After having it gift-wrapped nicely and stepping outside, I walked for a while, feeling a bit lighter.
Then, all of a sudden, it hit me.
“…..Oh no…”
I froze in the middle of the street, my face blank with shock.
I could feel the curious glances of people passing by. Understandably so anyone would wonder what was wrong with someone who suddenly stopped and stood dazed like that.
But those stares quickly faded. Most of the people who looked at me were just annoyed that I was blocking their path.
Years ago, after the accident, my face had been all over the internet, and acquaintances had called me incessantly.
But now, no one remembered. Not me, nor the boy I had been holding in the photos that had spread everywhere.
No one remembered the tragic event that had happened.
But I, as one of the people involved, couldn’t forget.
I couldn’t forget about Shihyun.
Looking down at the neatly wrapped gift bag in my hand, I thought about the present inside, meant for Shihyun.
Yes, for this Shihyun.
But this Shihyun’s birthday wasn’t October 21st.
Because, although they shared the same name, their birthdate was nearly a year apart from the Shihyun I knew.
“……”
For a long time, I just stood there, frozen in place.