Chapter 26: Happy Every Day

It was like something you’ve persisted at for a long time, yet success remains distant. Once the slightest thought of giving up appears, that thought will return again and again in the days that follow.

Giving up on living and choosing death was the same.

So, that longing for death, that desire for release, had appeared more than once in Su Ziyan’s life, lingering and refusing to leave.

Every time he encountered something that seemed incredibly simple yet was utterly impossible for him to do, that sense of disparity and powerlessness would make thoughts of ending his life surface.

But looking at Xu Duyan, who was busy caring for him, Su Ziyan could only bury such thoughts deep in his heart.

The Xu Duyan back then was far from what she was now, her fragility no less than his own, so he could only try his best to suppress such notions.

However, this kind of thought was undoubtedly more like a seed than a bomb. Burying it in the soil wouldn’t inhibit its growth; instead, it would allow it to grow wildly in corners he couldn’t see.

Of course, this thought wasn’t always growing fiercely.

For example, the first month after being discharged from the hospital was undoubtedly the month it grew the slowest.

Back then, he focused all his energy on performing the role of his past self.

It was like when someone has a toothache. Even if they constantly hypnotize themselves into thinking it doesn’t hurt, it still feels painful.

But if they distract themselves by playing a couple of games, their attention is diverted by other things, and the tooth suddenly doesn’t seem to hurt as much.

But the good times didn’t last. Xu Duyan mercilessly exposed his disguise. Their ideals undoubtedly clashed, leaving Su Ziyan with no more opportunity to perform.

Until he came across that video. Su Ziyan finally faced that thought about suicide in his heart again, only to find that, without him noticing, this idea had grown into a towering tree.

For him now, death was undoubtedly a release.

He used to be healthy, with a bright future ahead. Back then, he was undoubtedly his own emperor, with the courage and determination to defy worldly judgment and be with Xu Duyan.

Now, he had long since become a burden. Mentally, compared to his once confident self, he was undoubtedly closer to a fragile wreck.

If he were truly with Xu Duyan now, she would not only have to care for his body but also his mind, all while facing the judgment of the world.

Su Ziyan couldn’t do that to her.

The truth was, both of them needed to be the strong one to dare express their feelings…

And as time went on, Xu Duyan’s methods of pursuit kept evolving, even reaching a point where they were omnipresent. More than once, Su Ziyan felt his defenses were about to crumble.

More than once, he wanted to reach out and embrace his lover.

But he couldn’t do that.

It made every day an agony. Coupled with the constant feelings of powerlessness and despair in his daily life, he ultimately made this choice.

He was going to seek his own release, and incidentally, release Xu Duyan as well.

For the current Xu Duyan, this was undoubtedly a selfish choice. But Xu Duyan had done the same once. They were both selfish people like that.

Both were also people prone to self-pity.

And so, in this late autumn season, on this sunny afternoon, Su Ziyan chose to die.

Originally, he thought about using his phone’s voice assistant to type out a long message for Xu Duyan before dying. At least to tell her that when visiting his grave in the future, coming alone would be enough.

But later, he realized that at this point, those words couldn’t be said anymore.

So, that long message he had already composed in his heart became a simple sentence.

“Don’t come looking for me. Live on. Be happy every day from now on.”

After setting it for delayed sending, a thought suddenly occurred to him.

If, for him now, love was a curse… then for the current Xu Duyan, was this message of his also a kind of curse?

But maybe that was fine.

Two people who had hurt each other for half their lives, cursing each other at the final moment… wasn’t that perfectly reasonable?

He reached out and twisted open the medicine bottle, only to discover a very unfortunate thing: he seemed to have forgotten to buy a bottle of water.

But in this situation, he couldn’t possibly go back to buy water. So, he chose to grab handfuls of pills, put them in his mouth, chew them up, and swallow.

So bitter. Why did he have to suffer this bitterness even before dying?

Su Ziyan felt his cheeks go numb. That bitter taste made him feel somewhat disoriented.

By the end, he even started to feel like the pills had two completely different flavors.

Damn.

Perhaps this was the most despairing way to die in the world.

Su Ziyan looked up, feeling the lingering medicinal taste in his mouth and the gentle breeze, thinking he was truly a fool who was crying without tears, forcing himself to swallow.

Forget it. After all, he wasn’t some great literary figure. He didn’t need a romantic, poetic death.

Amidst that despair-inducing medicinal taste in his mouth, Su Ziyan, after who knows how long, finally fell into a deep sleep.

And as he finally fell asleep, the young woman who had followed him all the way, standing behind him the entire time, finally let out a sigh. She made a call to contact the people who had long been prepared to come and move Su Ziyan.

Looking at the empty medicine bottle on the ground, she couldn’t help but frown. There was a kind of torture called ‘it looks bitter just watching.’

Although, under her instruction, that bottle contained only a small amount of sleeping pills mixed with vitamin tablets, being able to chew them all down dry was still the act of a ruthless person.

***

Meanwhile, on the other side, Cheng Qingyun finally got her hands on Su Ziyan’s information. She had originally planned to calm down for a couple of days and then immediately look into the materials to discipline her rebellious little cat. Unexpectedly, her father called on her to complete an extremely important task.

Naturally, she couldn’t tell her father she had recently broken up and needed to go discipline her ex-boyfriend. So, she gritted her teeth and threw herself into the work.

This delay ended up being three whole months.

However, Cheng Qingyun felt this was actually fine. Three months was enough time for Su Ziyan to let his guard down. She wondered what expression he would have when she appeared before him.

In her life, she had never forced anything, because she had never lacked for anything.

This time was undoubtedly an exception.

Before they went to bed together, on the day they kissed, she had told Su Ziyan that story.

And that story was the stamp she placed on Su Ziyan. After telling that story, she would take things to the final step with him. And once that final step was taken…

Then, whether he was willing or not, he would be hers for life.

She didn’t understand love, but she knew that the things she liked had to be firmly grasped and kept by her side.

Whether he was willing or not, she had already given him a warning unilaterally… She had been a princess since childhood, never caring whether commoners were willing or not.

Thinking this, she opened the file containing information on Su Ziyan himself and his family.