The atmosphere suddenly became strange.
Did I really say something weird?
I’ve had this feeling for a while now, like I keep missing the mark. Is it because it’s been so long since I last had a one-on-one conversation with my sister?
Or has the passage of five years changed both of us so much that our conversation keeps going off track?
Back when I was still a man—before I had ever died—my sister never reacted like this, which made me even more nervous.
Her glass was still more than half full. That meant she wasn’t tipsy yet.
“Ah, um…”
I tried my best to find an answer to this situation.
“Would you… like to go together?”
And then, I ended up blurting out something really strange.
Wait, no!
She was clearly upset because of the amusement park topic. Of course, just bringing it up wouldn’t have been the sole cause. She had literally just said that she didn’t dislike amusement parks.
But even so, asking someone who was already in a bad mood about the amusement park, ‘Want to go together?’ that was definitely not going to get a good response.
Then, was it because of what I said afterward?
Ah.
Was it because I mentioned how fun rides were, even though my sister wasn’t good at them?
If you’re bad at amusement park rides, going there means you either have to stand in long lines for something you don’t even want to ride, get forced onto rides against your will, or just watch your friends have fun without being able to join in.
And then, those same friends would come off the ride, laughing about how great it was, how they wanted to go again—while you, having never even experienced it, wouldn’t know what to say.
Maybe she was worried that if she went with me, something like that would happen—
“Yeah! Let’s definitely go together!”
—Wait, huh?
Seeing my sister suddenly beam as if the awkwardness from earlier had never happened, I felt my mind go blank for a moment.
“Ah, you’re really coming with me?”
“Hm? Of course! I mean, it’s just the two of us going!”
‘Just the two of us.’
Those words held a lot of weight.
Until now, spending weekends with my companions had become routine. Aside from the once-a-month volunteer work with my sister, we had always gone places together.
It wasn’t always somewhere fancy, like when they celebrated my birthday last time, but we had gone to bookstores with Dana, museums with Kalia, clothing stores with Fia, and botanical gardens with Arna.
During the weekdays, everyone seemed to do their own thing, but on weekends, we always stuck together.
But if I were to go to an amusement park with my sister alone, I’d have to set aside my usual plans with my friends.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy hanging out with them. In fact, I loved it. Everyone reacted to the world in different ways, and just watching them was both fun and strangely fulfilling.
But the emotions I felt when I was with my sister were different.
They were always extreme.
Either I felt completely at ease—
Or my heart pounded like crazy.
Honestly, it probably wasn’t good for my heart. But still, I didn’t dislike it.
No, I actually liked it.
“Th-then, should we think about when to go?”
“Sure! It’s lucky that both of us have time, right?”
With that, she smiled brightly.
She was so beautiful.
*
He didn’t deny it.
Shihyun didn’t deny the idea of going alone with me.
Just that alone made me incredibly happy.
That meant Shihyun didn’t see going to the amusement park with his friends as something deeply significant.
Well, I suppose going with friends wasn’t entirely meaningless either. The memories made with friends were still beautiful in their own way.
I also cherished the time I had spent with Yuri but this was different.
Spending time playing with friends and spending time with someone as a couple.
Well, we weren’t quite a couple yet, but still.
Romance begins by taking small steps toward each other like this.
“When would be a good time?”
The moment I spoke, I wondered if I was being too hasty.
…Honestly, I had never really been in a proper relationship before. According to Yuri, I had already been in one with Shihyun, but if I really thought about whether the two of us had consciously considered each other as lovers, I wasn’t sure.
I liked Shihyun.
But did Shihyun like me too?
Even if he did, we had never officially dated. That much, I could say with certainty.
We had always been close, yet at the same time, we had always kept a certain distance. Because of that, we could never be as close as Yuri made it sound.
But the past was the past.
And now was now.
Right now, I was with Shihyun.
Just the two of us—
Just the two of us—
“……”
We were planning to go to the amusement park together.
Something we had never done before.
I looked at Shihyun, who smiled so brightly at my invitation.
That smile was so familiar, yet at the same time, the face was so different.
Shihyun was still Shihyun.
But he also wasn’t.
I was looking at Shihyun while thinking about someone else in his place.
At that moment, a sharp pain stabbed deep in my chest, as if something was piercing through the very bottom of my heart.
I knew that from now on, every time I did something with Shihyun that I had never done before, I would continue to feel this way.
This guilt toward both of them.
“Unnie?”
Ah, I must have spaced out while lost in thought.
No. This isn’t right.
Shihyun wasn’t here because of my request.
He wasn’t here as a replacement.
He was here as himself.
So I had to respond to that feeling properly.
Because I didn’t want to lose him.
Selfishly so.
“So, when would be a good time? This break is for volunteer work, so how about the week after?”
“I—I’m fine with any time.”
At my words, Shihyun squirmed slightly as he answered. Even under the dim lighting, I could see his face turning red.
His glass was still more than half full. Some might think he just had a low tolerance for alcohol, but I had a feeling he was blushing from embarrassment rather than the drink.
“Alright, then let’s go with that day.”
I tried to recall the last time I had been to an amusement park.
In truth, I had only gone once. After the college entrance exams, each class in our school chose a place to visit for a trip. Our class decided to go to an amusement park together with the neighboring class.
It was fun. I had wandered around with my friends, completely losing track of time.
Back then, I hardly rode any attractions.
The long lines were part of the reason, but even just looking up at them from the ground made my legs tremble, so I never even considered getting on.
But…
I looked at Shihyun in front of me.
As a child, I couldn’t handle rides well, but the last time he went, he said he tried them and actually enjoyed it.
Would it be the same for me?
“Do you remember which ones were fun?”
“Ah, yes!”
At my question, Shihyun excitedly began talking about all sorts of things.
Just watching him look so happy made me feel good, too.
Well, Shihyun always had this incredibly pure and innocent vibe about him.
“Should I try riding them too?”
As soon as I said that, Shihyun eagerly nodded.
“Yes, ride with me! Maybe if we start with something not too scary… I don’t know.”
He trailed off, hesitating for a moment—it was adorable.
Looked like he wasn’t quite capable of lying.
“You hesitating like that makes me think they really are scary, huh?”
At my teasing, Shihyun quickly shook his head.
Did he really want to ride with me that badly?
“No, um, well, at first, it might be a little scary, but—”
As if trying desperately to persuade me, Shihyun waved his hands in the air, talking with great enthusiasm.
Ah.
Yeah, I’d seen this before.
When I hesitated about watching a horror movie, saying it might be too scary, Shihyun had gone on and on about how it wasn’t the kind of movie that scared you with jump scares.
That time, too, he had explained everything so passionately with his whole body.
Had he just really wanted to watch it with me?
As it turned out, the movie didn’t have any sudden jump scares.
But it was still terrifying.
A strange conclusion, in a way.
Still, in the end, I managed to watch it—holding Shihyun’s hand the whole time.
Would it be the same this time?
“Alright then, maybe it’s time for me to be a little braver.”
Resting my chin on my interlaced fingers as I listened, I finally spoke.
At that, Shihyun’s face brightened even more.
For a moment, I had the fleeting thought that maybe we didn’t even need the lights around us his expression was warm enough.
Yeah, I needed to be brave.
I had finally met someone who would hold my hand, someone who wouldn’t push me away.
And that person had found the courage to reach out to me first.
Then—
It was only right that I found the courage to take his hand, too.