Chapter 82:Do you want to go together? (11)

“Sorry.”  

How many times has she apologized already? It must have been at least several times by now.  

What is she so sorry about?  

She has no reason to be. It was just how things played out back then.  

The fact that I died back then was simply due to my own choice. There was no reason for her to bear any pain because of it.  

“…It’s okay.”  

I said that while gently stroking her back.  

She took a few deep breaths in my arms, as if trying to stop herself from crying. But there was no need for her to do that. She could stay like this as long as she needed.  

Eventually, though, her breathing gradually returned to normal. The sobbing subsided, and her trembling shoulders became noticeably steadier than before.  

“…….”  

“…….”  

She stayed in my arms for a moment longer before slowly opening her mouth.  

“…I’m okay now.”  

At her words, I carefully lowered my arms from around her back. Even after I let go, the warmth from where she had leaned against me lingered in my embrace.  

“Haah…”  

She took one last deep breath and ran both hands down her face.  

When her hands came away, her face was still slightly flushed. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, evidence of the tears she had shed.  

She gave me an awkward smile with that tear-streaked face. The smile felt clumsy probably because she had been crying just moments ago, or maybe because she had been in my arms until now. She looked a little embarrassed.  

Still, compared to the way she had been this morning, she seemed much better after crying her heart out.  

“I must have looked so pathetic.”  

“No, not at all. It happens to everyone.”  

To her self-deprecating comment, I replied gently.  

“…Hmm.”  

She turned her head to look out the window, seemingly a bit shy. That expression of hers was kind of cute.  

“……”  

“……”  

A brief silence settled between us.  

To be honest, it was an awkward silence. It was inevitable, considering what had just happened. She had been sobbing her heart out, and I had felt a lump in my throat as well.  

On top of that, my apron was still slightly damp from her tears.  

It was her who broke the silence first.  

“Now that I think about it.”  

She spoke in a tone that seemed casual, as if trying to downplay the importance of her words.  

“Do you have a boyfriend, Shihyun?”  

“Huh?”  

I was utterly taken aback for a moment. I hadn’t expected her to ask me such a question.  

My heart raced briefly but soon calmed down. On second thought, it wasn’t such a strange question. Asking someone if they have a significant other isn’t that unusual. Friends, regardless of gender, might ask each other that out of simple curiosity.  

It didn’t necessarily have to mean anything special.  

“Oh, no, I don’t…”  

I answered awkwardly, still a little flustered.  

“…I see.”  

That was all she said in response.  

And then, silence fell between us once again.  

*

I don’t even know why I acted that way.  

I never thought of myself as such an impulsive person.  

Why did I insist on giving Shihyun a present on her birthday?  

Was it, as Yuri said, because I was projecting Shihyun onto her?  

Was I not treating her as her own person, but instead seeing a living person overlap with someone who had passed away?  

When Shihyun received my gift, she smiled like she was genuinely happy. That smile of hers was so beautiful.  

And that smile reminded me of the Shihyun I used to know.  

The two of them don’t even look alike.  

Yet somehow, their smiles overlapped so easily in my memory.  

The way their lips curled upward, the position where the corners rested, the way their eyes narrowed—it was uncanny.  

Is it just me projecting what I want to see? Or, as Yuri suggested, do their smiles really resemble each other? Maybe Yuri also saw similarities because she was projecting, too.  

…Whatever the reason, I knew very well that what I was doing was unfair to Shihyun.  

What would she think if she found out the real reason behind my actions?  

The reason she could smile so freely, so brightly, must be because she doesn’t know anything. But if she were to hear that I was seeing someone who’s passed away in her, wouldn’t she feel creeped out?  

I needed to tell her. But I was so afraid to.  

Because once she knew the truth, I felt like she would leave.  

And then, I’d go back to how I used to be.  

Living each day like a machine, carrying the same unresolved emotions.  

Maybe, in time, I’d heal. Like they say, time can mend wounds little by little.  

I’d slowly venture outside again, just as I did when I started taking small steps out of the house.  

I’d resume attending school properly, then find a job, and eventually get into a routine.  

Just like when I started volunteering every day, convincing myself I was becoming a better person.  

Just like when I began to believe I was reducing the worries I caused my mom and my friends.  

……Maybe, over time, I could begin to forget Shihyun too.  

…But if that happens….. 

If I forget her completely……  

Would I still be as happy as I was when I remembered her?  

That thought terrified me.  

I knew I was being selfish.  

But…  

…  

Yuri was right.  

I couldn’t keep living this way forever.  

Today, Shihyun didn’t suspect anything. But she wouldn’t always overlook it.  

If I kept giving her gifts, she’d start to wonder about the meaning behind them. Especially if I gave her one on the same day every year.  

When that time comes, will I still be able to hide the truth from her?  

“Now that I think about it,”  

When I asked her that question, it was completely impulsive.  

“Do you have a boyfriend, Shihyun?”  

“Huh?”  

Her reaction was pure shock.  

It’s not like I expected anything different.  

I had never thought that it would be possible.  

But even if it were, it wouldn’t have been strange.  

Shihyun seemed to live a much better life than I had in my childhood, and it looked like she even had friends.  

To be honest, there was something unpredictable about her.  

When we first met, Shihyun acted so unstable, as if interacting with people was hard for her.  

So when one day she suddenly mentioned spending time with friends, I was startled.  

But I tried hard not to let it show.  

I was curious about those friends she spent time with.  

However, prying too much about them felt wrong somehow, so I just couldn’t bring myself to ask.  

You see, Shihyun wasn’t the type of person who shared everything about herself openly in front of me.  

So it wouldn’t have been surprising if she had a boyfriend and met him after work every day.  

Maybe she met someone after she started working here.  

Unlike me, still tied to the past, maybe she was trying little by little to distance herself from the wounds of her past,  

even if they had hurt her deeply in the beginning.  

“No, I don’t… I don’t have one.”  

Shihyun answered like that.  

For some reason, that answer made me happy.  

Why, though?  

Shihyun was a woman, just like me.  

But I couldn’t stop my heart from racing when she said those words.  

Without even knowing the reason, I simply felt happy.  

“…Really?”  

“……”  

A brief silence followed.  

There was a strange tension in the air.  

Could Shihyun be finding me strange?  

Wouldn’t it feel awkward for her, another woman, hearing such words from me all of a sudden?  

Would it make her uncomfortable?  

I’d made a mistake.  

I was being unusually impulsive today.  

Perhaps meeting Yuri the other day and having that conversation had been the turning point.  

Ever since then, I’d been more and more aware of Shihyun.  

I kept noticing every little thing about her, seeing Yuri and Shihyun overlap in my mind.  

Even though I wasn’t sure if those memories were accurate or not,  

I kept looking at Shihyun and thinking about Yuri.  

All of those thoughts had been simmering until today until the moment I gave her the gift.  

And now, it felt like everything had spilled over.  

Our daily lives were becoming saturated with this sudden impulse.  

Had I made an irreparable mistake?  

Had I tainted Shihyun’s daily life?  

As I was silently worrying to myself,  

“…Unni.”  

Shihyun spoke up.  

“Unni, do you… have someone you’re dating?”  

“……..”  

For a moment, I couldn’t speak.  

Someone I’m dating.  

It was a question Yuri had asked me so many times before.  

Anyone who saw us would have thought we were in a relationship, and honestly, even I sometimes felt like I was in one with Shihyun,  

even as I told myself otherwise.  

We went everywhere together, holding hands tightly.  

Like I was dating a younger boyfriend, I’d put all kinds of things in Shihyun’s mouth.  

I loved seeing her smile.  

I loved how she followed me around.  

Always.  

…But we weren’t in a relationship.  

We weren’t dating—  

“…But there is someone I like.”  

Yes, someone I like.

Not someone I used to like, but someone I still like.  

Even now.  

So, my selfish actions needed to be discarded as quickly as possible.  

It wasn’t fair to Shihyun, and it wasn’t fair to me either.  

“…I just suddenly feel like seeing that person.”  

I forced a smile.  

Hoping that, at the very least, it wouldn’t look fake to Shihyun,  

I turned my head away.  

When I looked up, there was Shihyun, staring at me in surprise.  

“I was thinking of visiting them today.”  

It wasn’t actually part of my plan.  

Since then, I’d only ever visited on anniversaries or special dates.  

But somehow, today felt different. I wanted to go.  

“…Want to come with me?”  

And even though I knew these words crossed an irreversible line, I said them to Shihyun.