Chapter 5: Regression – (5)

After Layla left, only Ilia and I remained.

I gazed at the spot where Layla had been for a moment before turning my head to look at Ilia.

Ilia had been staring at me all along, her eyes fixed on me.

Our eyes met, and a brief silence followed.

Ilia and I had always shared many silences, but this one felt more awkward than ever.

Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

As I looked into Ilia’s blue eyes, no words came to mind.

The emotions in them were undoubtedly intense, but too complex for me to decipher.

For some reason, I just wanted to keep looking.

But as always, the silence came to an end.

“I never thought the Serigard side would offer help.”

I felt the same way.

I never expected my brother to actually help me.

Even though we were brothers, the family, my brother, and even his daughter could be put in danger.

I didn’t think he would take that risk.

There’s an order to what’s important.

That applies to everyone, and my brother was no exception.

In that sense, I was even more grateful to him.

“It’s all thanks to him.”

“Lord Blake doesn’t seem like the type to do such a thing.”

“Well, he does have a rough demeanor.”

“That’s not what I meant… Anyway, I should thank him later.”

“Does that mean…”

It sounded like she was accepting my sacrifice.

Ilia closed her mouth.

Perhaps it was too difficult for her to even put into words.

“It’s alright. If my life can save yours, it’s a small price to pay.”

“…”

Ilia averted her gaze.

She turned her head, and I could no longer see her face.

“Why are you turning away? Shouldn’t I be able to see your face before I die?”

“…You…!”

Ilia snapped, turning her head back, but when she saw my smiling face, she closed her mouth.

“That smile… I wish you wouldn’t wear it right now.”

I touched the corners of my mouth.

It must have been unsettling for Ilia.

The corners of my mouth were raised more than usual, so it must have looked grotesque to others.

I wiped the smile off my face.

I didn’t know what expression was left on my face.

I could only guess from Ilia’s twisted expression that it must have been horrifying.

“Do I look… strange?”

Ilia shook her head at my question.

“Now you look more like a person, which is good.”

“If that’s what you think, I’ll try to keep it that way.”

“…Alright.”

Another silence fell.

Perhaps it was even heavier than before.

We simply locked eyes again.

Stopping myself from smiling strangely made my thoughts race.

No, it wasn’t just thoughts—it was more like a sticky, lingering feeling.

A kind of regret, perhaps.

Knowing that Ilia loved me, wasn’t it natural to crave her affection?

It was a base, almost shameful desire.

Even in my teens when I first met Ilia, I couldn’t fully control that desire.

Now, it was tearing through my heart, running wild.

My eyes kept drifting to her lips.

Like before, I wanted to touch those moist, crimson lips.

I wanted to feel that ecstatic sensation again.

That desire kept spilling out of my heart.

Before I knew it, I had taken a step closer to Ilia.

No, more than that.

I had closed the distance enough to reach out and touch her.

Whether it was my body acting on its own or my mind driving me, it didn’t matter.

All I could see was Ilia’s face.

“Is this really you are.?”

At Ilia’s words, I flinched, but my body didn’t stop.

“…I’m sorry.”

I muttered a meaningless apology as I stopped right in front of Ilia.

Close enough that our noses almost touched—though not quite—but close enough to place my hands on her body.

“May I… touch you?”

At my question, Ilia let out a soft laugh.

Her laughter carried a hint of moisture.

“The hands of the man I love are rough and calloused.”

I looked down at my hands.

They were rough and calloused, still warm from holding Ilia’s hand.

“And no matter where those hands touch me, it would feel like a reward to me.”

It was a kind of permission, and as I felt my rationality evaporating, I placed my hand on her face.

Though I was consumed by desire, I remembered that my rough hands shouldn’t hurt her delicate skin, so I caressed her face as gently as if I were handling a baby.

I slowly stroked her face, occasionally giving her skin a light tug.

“…Is that all you’re going to do? Just touch my face?”

A voice tinged with dissatisfaction brushed past my ear.

I whispered into her ear, as if to prove I wouldn’t back down.

“If you want something, you’ll have to tell me.”

Even as I said that, I slowly leaned my head closer to hers.

Ilia let out a faint laugh at my contradictory behavior.

“My man wasn’t this much of a wolf before.”

Despite her words, Ilia leaned in, and we embraced each other.

It was only our second time, so we were inevitably clumsy.

Things like putting our tongues in each other’s mouths or touching sensitive areas were beyond our imagination.

We simply held each other tightly, focusing all our nerves on the sensation of our lips touching.

A kiss so awkward it was almost embarrassing to call it one.

Yet, it was the most euphoric sensation I had ever felt.

“Did you like it?”

It was the same question as the first time, but the tone was distinctly different.

A tone that carried the certainty that it must have been good.

Yet, her face was redder than ever.

Strangely, that contradiction made my heart race even more.

“I did.”

“Then… shall we move on to… the next step?”

“…”

Hearing those words, I suddenly snapped back to reality.

A belated sense of shame suppressed the desire that had spilled out, and rationality returned.

‘What am I doing…’

As a man, I knew exactly what Ilia meant by “the next step.”

Even in my youth, when I first met Ilia, I had imagined doing such things with her.

It was an alluring act for any man.

But I couldn’t do that with Ilia.

A man on the brink of death couldn’t take her virginity.

Even when my rationality had flown out the window, this had been a firm boundary.

Now that I had regained my senses, it was even more firmly set.

“That… I’m sorry.”

I unconsciously tried to force a smile but quickly pulled the corners of my mouth down.

To Ilia, my expression must have looked ridiculous.

But Ilia didn’t laugh.

She simply asked me,

“Don’t you want to be repaid?”

“For what… exactly?”

Ilia hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“For everything you’ve done for me. Enduring my disregard, risking your life to help me, staying by my side.”

“Well… isn’t it natural to want to protect someone you love?”

“No, not at all. At least not for me.”

“It’s natural for me.”

“…You don’t dislike the idea of being with me, do you?”

At Ilia’s question, I shook my head vigorously.

I could say with absolute certainty that this wasn’t the case.

At 15, when I first met Ilia, I had shamefully harbored improper thoughts about her.

Even in my dreams, I had imagined having a violent relationship with her.

‘Even now… nothing has changed.’

It’s just that my rationality was suppressing it.

Even now, on restless mornings, I sometimes had those kinds of thoughts about Ilia.

After all, I was still a man.

I couldn’t say such things to Ilia, so I simply denied it vehemently.

“Then… that’s good.”

After that, we avoided any further discussion on the topic.

With my limited time, I couldn’t afford to waste it indulging in desire.

We spent most of the remaining hours in silence.

It was the most comfortable, and paradoxically, the best way to understand each other.

Occasionally, we exchanged words, but even that stopped at some point.

Perhaps this was how we were meant to face our farewell.

Quietly, sorting out our feelings for each other and cherishing the memories.

“Live well.”

At my words, Ilia gave a faint smile.

The emotions in it were warm yet bittersweet.

“…Yeah, you too.”

“What’s that? To someone who’s about to die.”

“I just… wanted to say it.”

“That’s unusual.”

“…”

Ilia hesitated before speaking.

“Do you remember what I used to say habitually?”

“That you’d never love me… is that it?”

Ilia’s face turned red, as if she felt embarrassed, but she quickly changed her expression.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why?”

“I was wrong. I ended up falling in love with you. Though it might not compare to your feelings.”

I had no words, so I kept my mouth shut.

Ilia naturally continued.

“That won’t change. Even until the moment I die.”

“…Ilia.”

I tried to say something, but Ilia shook her head, silencing me.

“I know what you’re thinking, but now, and in the future, there’s only one man for me. Remember that.”

Ah, what should I do with this euphoric feeling?

I was overwhelmed by two paradoxical emotions—guilt and happiness.

Yet, my mouth remained shut.

“So, I’ll be selfish just this once. You… can’t love anyone else but me.”

It was an odd thing to say to someone about to die, but I pushed the thought aside and spoke.

“Only you would call something so natural ‘selfish’.”

At my words, Ilia smiled.

A smile more radiant than ever.

“Thank you. And I love you.”

“Yes, me too.”

With those words, Ilia left the house with Layla.

I watched them disappear into the distance before finally turning away.

The sun had risen, and it was time to return to the estate, to the mansion.