Chapter 40 : I now understand you

I finally understand you now.

“Hmm…”

Ah. Finally, my eyes are opening.

The last memory was so traumatic, I really thought I was dead.

When I slowly opened my eyes, there was a familiar ceiling…

“Huh?”

…No, it’s not. It’s a strange ceiling.

I never use such a fancy pink ceiling.

No. Come to think of it, I could…

Whoosh.

Hmm.

As I looked around, it didn’t seem like a hospital. There couldn’t possibly be a top-tier computer setup with all broadcasting equipment in a hospital, right?

“And that.”

The posters of virtual YouTubers on the wall, and the room smelled like something anime-nerdy.

“There’s no way this is my room.”

Did I get kidnapped?

But… the kidnapper has some taste, doesn’t he? This is exactly the style I like.

The use of gray on the furniture, honestly, I almost want to applaud.

“Oh, the combination of pink and white…”

Wow. Even the gaming chair color is fantastic.

If it weren’t for the whole kidnapping thing, I might have hired this person as my interior designer…

Bang!

Just as I got closer to examine the gaming chair, I heard the door opening.

Ah. Am I finally going to see the face of the person who kidnapped this ultra-elite, cute virtual YouTuber…?!

With excitement, I turned my head.

“…Huh? It’s me?”

There I was standing in front of the open door.

A slightly more worn-out version of me, with black hair, Kang Suhyun.

“Um… Can you see me?”

What’s going on?

Something seems off, so I waved my hands in front of me.

Whoosh.

“Eh.”

She didn’t even look at me as she walked right past me.

Her eyes weren’t focused, and as she got closer to the computer, her hands were trembling.

With an unsteady gait, she mumbled in a hoarse voice.

“…I need to start broadcasting.”

Cough. Cough.

While coughing dryly, I sat down in the gaming chair.

Is she trying to start the broadcast now?

So lazy. Taking her sweet time…

Thud!

“It’s impossible. It’s impossible now…”

“Ah! You scared me!”

‘Me’ hit her head on the keyboard and started crying.

She was gripping her black hair tightly with both hands, putting force into it.

“Hey…?”

She didn’t move at all.

It’s been at least ten minutes, is she okay?

“Did she die…?”

I started to worry…

Jerk.

“Ah! My finger. My finger moved!”

Is this a zombie? So scary!

Despite my spasms, ‘I’—who didn’t even recognize it—moved my finger toward the mouse.

Click!

“Huh? Are you turning on the broadcast?”

There’s no way a broadcast could start in that state.

Impossible. Don’t do it.

But ‘I’ slowly lifted my head and stared blankly at the monitor.

Then…

A faint smile.

“Eh. Did I just smile…”

“ᄌᄉᄒ!! (Everyone! Hello!)”

• 来!!!!
• 今回仞放送上<食代去寸!
• 草こいつら大興奮状態草

Ah.

That’s…

A perfect smile.

Of all the things I’ve seen in my life, it was the smile that best expressed happiness and anticipation.

As if the despair I saw just a moment ago was all a fantasy.

…That was a surprise.

As soon as the broadcast button was pressed, the appearance changed.

The eyes that were empty just moments ago were now sparkling, as if holding stars.

The expression that had seemed so desolate was gone, replaced by a wide smile.

“今日n放送力才丁下丁 (Today’s broadcast is karaoke~)!”

• とても楽しみです
• 一週間無理中心中灰니?
• 知る必要がないじゃない、 歌が聞こえるのを草!

“I’m so excited!”

Laughing joyfully, of course, speaking in Japanese.

The chat window, moving so quickly, even compared to the members of Lumilive, was a bit embarrassing.

Given all these conditions, there’s only one answer.

“Ah. It’s Nanoka?”

This must be the event that falls within my memory.

Finally, my past is being revealed.

I was about to watch Nanoka’s song with a light heart…

“気分次第下寸僕, 敵左選凢戦少年 (I go by how I feel, a boy who picks his enemies and fights).”

“…Wow.”

As soon as I heard Nanoka’s first line, it became impossible to watch lightly.

It was a voice so perfect, with a deep tone and rising pitch, something you wouldn’t expect from someone whose throat had just been strained.

The mix of falsetto and chest voice harmonized beautifully, sending chills like a solo chorus.

And then, the buildup of all the foreshadowing, the hints, the expectations…

“空⌒舞亏世界彼方 (The sky scatters to the other side of the world).”

With a high note that seemed impossible for a human, Nanoka perfectly fulfilled every expectation.

“…What’s this.”

The best song I could imagine, one I could never have imagined singing, was being performed by my past self.

Seeing this, there was no choice but to truly immerse myself.

I had to see why Nanoka even considered graduating.

“Seriously… what can I do?”

Thud.

I sat down on the bed, which was covered with pink everywhere.

“Ugh. There’s no popcorn…”

Tsk. Oh well.

I guess I’ll watch it like I’m studying after such a long time.

Sigh. Sigh…

The sound of labored breathing filled the room.

The person who had been pouring out powerful songs just a moment ago was now sweating and clutching her neck.

She lightly bit a tissue, then let it go, and Nanoka smiled again.

“Everyone, are you enjoying it?”

“Check the tissue. Ugh. What a tough girl.”

It’s starting to get scary. How did she end up becoming this obsessive about broadcasting?

The Suhyun in my memory was just an ordinary high school girl. Yeah. Definitely…

“Alright, next song!”

She wasn’t one to push herself this much.

In the end, Nanoka’s broadcast ended after three hours.

With her voice barely able to make a sound, she twisted her already damaged throat even further.

“…My goodness.”

Click.

The moment the broadcast ended, Nanoka’s smile vanished from her face.

“Sigh.”

Nanoka let out a heavy sigh as the screen turned off, bending forward.

Her damp bangs hung down, covering her eyes, and she wrapped one hand around her neck, taking a deep breath.

A strained, tearing sound, like something breaking, came with her labored breath.

Nanoka stared at the screen in silence.

As the computer screen went dark, the atmosphere in the room changed drastically.

The screen that had been filled with numerous chat messages just moments ago now reflected Nanoka’s image.

It wasn’t the cheerful, smiling Nanoka I knew. Instead, there was a girl sitting with her broken neck.

“Tch.”

She slowly lowered her head, resting it on the keyboard.

Thud.

Her forehead dropped weakly.

“Ah. Seriously… Haha…”

That was a twisted laugh.

Nanoka slightly spread her fingers and brushed her long hair out of her face.

And then…

“Cough.”

A dry cough erupted from Nanoka’s throat.

At first, it was light, just a few, but then it grew worse.

“Cough, cough… Ugh!”

Drip.

A red liquid spilled out from her palm as she covered her mouth.

Only then did Nanoka look down at her hand.

More blood.

She stared at the blood on her palm for a moment before hurriedly grabbing a tissue from the side.

Wiping her mouth and even wiping away her nosebleed, her hands trembled uncontrollably.

“…Hoo.”

She rolled up the tissue stained with blood and threw it into the trash can, leaning back in her chair.

“…Ah.”

Her shoulders drooped.

Her eyes lost focus.

Her arms hung limply.

A common metaphor…

She looked like a discarded doll, I thought.

“…What am I even doing?”

Nanoka muttered.

The flashy music stopped, and the noisy chat window disappeared.

With the broadcast over, all that remained was the broken body of the girl.

Now, there was only silence.

The screen that had been buzzing for hours, the fast-moving chat window, and the sparkling lights had all vanished.

With the broadcast over, Nanoka was silent.

She didn’t even have the strength to make a single sound.

She slowly raised her hand.

When her trembling fingertips brushed her neck, a sharp pain shot through her.

A small groan escaped.

That made it easy to guess Nanoka’s physical condition.

There was a faint stickiness on the tips of her fingers where she had touched her neck.

It was thicker blood than before.

“Ugh, damn it. Clean it up.”

Even though she said that, she was used to it now.

At this point, no amount of blood coming from that body surprised her anymore.

“…Sigh.”

She sighed heavily.

Then, she looked down at her hand.

The palm stained with blood.

She could just wipe it off.

Wash it off with water.

Then, she could continue broadcasting like nothing happened.

But in that moment…

Drip.

A hot liquid ran down her hand.

This time, it wasn’t red.

Sigh. Seriously, why is she doing this?

It wasn’t blood, it was tears.The sound of labored breathing filled the room.

The person who had been pouring out powerful songs just a moment ago was now sweating and clutching her neck.

She lightly bit a tissue, then let it go, and Nanoka smiled again.

“Everyone, are you enjoying it?”

“Check the tissue. Ugh. What a tough girl.”

It’s starting to get scary. How did she end up becoming this obsessive about broadcasting?

The Suhyun in my memory was just an ordinary high school girl. Yeah. Definitely…

“Alright, next song!”

She wasn’t one to push herself this much.

In the end, Nanoka’s broadcast ended after three hours.

With her voice barely able to make a sound, she twisted her already damaged throat even further.

“…My goodness.”

Click.

The moment the broadcast ended, Nanoka’s smile vanished from her face.

“Sigh.”

Nanoka let out a heavy sigh as the screen turned off, bending forward.

Her damp bangs hung down, covering her eyes, and she wrapped one hand around her neck, taking a deep breath.

A strained, tearing sound, like something breaking, came with her labored breath.

Nanoka stared at the screen in silence.

As the computer screen went dark, the atmosphere in the room changed drastically.

The screen that had been filled with numerous chat messages just moments ago now reflected Nanoka’s image.

It wasn’t the cheerful, smiling Nanoka I knew. Instead, there was a girl sitting with her broken neck.

“Tch.”

She slowly lowered her head, resting it on the keyboard.

Thud.

Her forehead dropped weakly.

“Ah. Seriously… Haha…”

That was a twisted laugh.

Nanoka slightly spread her fingers and brushed her long hair out of her face.

And then…

“Cough.”

A dry cough erupted from Nanoka’s throat.

At first, it was light, just a few, but then it grew worse.

“Cough, cough… Ugh!”

Drip.

A red liquid spilled out from her palm as she covered her mouth.

Only then did Nanoka look down at her hand.

More blood.

She stared at the blood on her palm for a moment before hurriedly grabbing a tissue from the side.

Wiping her mouth and even wiping away her nosebleed, her hands trembled uncontrollably.

“…Hoo.”

She rolled up the tissue stained with blood and threw it into the trash can, leaning back in her chair.

“…Ah.”

Her shoulders drooped.

Her eyes lost focus.

Her arms hung limply.

A common metaphor…

She looked like a discarded doll, I thought.

“…What am I even doing?”

Nanoka muttered.

The flashy music stopped, and the noisy chat window disappeared.

With the broadcast over, all that remained was the broken body of the girl.

Now, there was only silence.

The screen that had been buzzing for hours, the fast-moving chat window, and the sparkling lights had all vanished.

With the broadcast over, Nanoka was silent.

She didn’t even have the strength to make a single sound.

She slowly raised her hand.

When her trembling fingertips brushed her neck, a sharp pain shot through her.

A small groan escaped.

That made it easy to guess Nanoka’s physical condition.

There was a faint stickiness on the tips of her fingers where she had touched her neck.

It was thicker blood than before.

“Ugh, damn it. Clean it up.”

Even though she said that, she was used to it now.

At this point, no amount of blood coming from that body surprised her anymore.

“…Sigh.”

She sighed heavily.

Then, she looked down at her hand.

The palm stained with blood.

She could just wipe it off.

Wash it off with water.

Then, she could continue broadcasting like nothing happened.

But in that moment…

Drip.

A hot liquid ran down her hand.

This time, it wasn’t red.

Sigh. Seriously, why is she doing this?

It wasn’t blood, it was tears.

Nanoka silently stared at the back of her hand.

She raised her hand and lightly pressed her lips.

The trembling wouldn’t stop.

Unconsciously, tears kept streaming down.

“…Why?”

Why is she crying?

I, not Nanoka, couldn’t understand why.

But part of my heart felt heavy, as if I had just become Nanoka.

Is this… happiness?

Just moments ago, tens of thousands were laughing and cheering.

They responded to my voice.

They told me they were having fun.

But, why…

I don’t feel happy at all.

Is Nanoka not happy either?

“…Sigh.”

Nanoka covered her face with her hands.

A sigh slipped through her fingers.

Her shoulders shook.

Quietly, and even more quietly.

Alone, in the room.

Where no one could see.

Nanoka cried.

“Sniff… Hic…”

In this unfamiliar room, the sound I was familiar with began to escape.

One was sitting in a chair, crying,

While the other was perched on the bed, also crying.

“Sigh. Ugh. Why am I crying?”

…Right. I’m crying too.

Is this some emotional connection service, or did the tears just suddenly start flowing?

“…This is something.”

I sighed lightly as I sat on the bed.

“This is really pitiful.”

The scene before me was shocking.

And strangely, it felt familiar.

I couldn’t exactly express what kind of emotion it was…

But this was a memory I had forgotten.

I slowly got up from my seat and approached the crying Nanoka.

“…Hey.”

I called quietly.

But she didn’t respond.

“…Can you hear me?”

I got closer and reached out.

The moment my fingertips touched Nanoka’s shoulder…

Whoosh.

My hand passed right through.

I expected it, but it still felt unpleasant.

“…As expected, it doesn’t work.”

Then there was only one option left.

I quietly sat next to Nanoka.

And without saying a word, I just looked at her.

“I saw it all.”

“You really went this far.”

“You’re such a fool.”

I muttered quietly.

And then…

Nanoka lifted her head.

Her face was stained with tears.

Her eyes were red.

But her expression was close to blank.

“It’s okay.”

Her voice, murmuring softly.

But, it seemed more dangerous than when she hadn’t said anything.

“You were still cute. You sang so hard, right? Your friends from Hanarive, they’ll keep loving you, no matter what. Eh? Did the subscribers just drop? Ah. That’s not good. What went wrong in the broadcast…? No. Why? I worked so hard singing, laughing for you all, and showing you love, so why does one little mistake make people so sad… Ah. I’m sorry. Please don’t cancel it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I don’t want to be alone again. Please come back… Really. The singing, the chatting, the FPS games… Did I make a mistake in the karaoke? I’m sorry. I’m sorry… Please don’t unsubscribe… Please, I beg you…”

“…That’s scary.”

Nanoka’s trembling hand gripped the mouse.

Her fingers hovered over the mouse, then clicked the button.

Subscribers: 2,176,789

Click.

It refreshed.

The number on the monitor changed.

Subscribers: 2,176,782

My fingertips froze.

Nanoka’s tear-streaked eyelashes trembled slightly.

Seven had dropped.

“Why?”

Her voice was growing quieter.

“Why…?”

She refreshed again.

Subscribers: 2,176,779

Again, three more had dropped.

In that moment, Nanoka’s shoulders flinched.

Tears flowed down her face.

She covered her face with her hands.

But the tears flowing through her fingers couldn’t be stopped.

“Sigh…”

She bit her lip and quietly took a deep breath.

Her throat tightened painfully.

And then…

A small sob echoed in the room.

“Sniff…”

Once it started, she couldn’t stop.

Even if she bit her lip, swallowed, or held her breath,

The tears kept flowing.

“Ah… Ah…”

The small sobbing soon grew louder.

Her mouth was open, trying to suppress the cries, but…

Her hands trembled, and she couldn’t turn off the screen.

She could only keep looking at the number on the monitor and continue sobbing.

“No… No… I tried. I really tried so hard…”

Drip.

Hot tears ran down her cheek and fell onto her lap.

Plop. Plop.

“…Sigh.”

She held her head in her hands and hunched over.

Her shoulders trembled faintly.

“Why am I…?”

The last words she couldn’t say were stuck in her throat.

Nanoka couldn’t continue speaking.

She just quietly cried, alone in the dark room.

Yeah.

The sudden brightness was just a misunderstanding by Jiu.

You just learned how to hide yourself while broadcasting.

When a child who longed for love finally receives it, even a little bit of that love being taken away makes them incredibly sad.

You couldn’t see the whole picture, only the small part that was taken away.

“ofof.”

Nanoka.

Now, I finally understand you.