Today is December 22nd, two days before Christmas Eve. I was leisurely eating breakfast at the dorm cafeteria and was on my way back.
Out of nowhere, three friends—whom I had only gotten to know this year—simultaneously asked me to hang out on Christmas.
What an incredibly coincidental timing.
“…..”
Judging by the tone of their messages, all three of them seemed unwilling to accept a rejection.
I couldn’t understand where that firmness was coming from.
‘Do I seem that free…? Well, I mean, I am free, but… still, I wish they’d at least ask if I was busy, even as a formality! Don’t underestimate the delicate heart of an adult…!’
Gahhh…
Thinking these thoughts, I silently held my phone in my hand.
“…..”
Hmm.
Hmmm…
Hmmmm…
‘I really don’t know.’
If only one of them had asked me a day earlier, I could’ve said I already had plans and politely declined. But all three messages came within seconds of each other, leaving me in a position where I had to make a choice purely based on my own will.
“….”
‘I already planned to spend time with my uncle today, so I am free on Christmas Eve…’
But the thought of rejecting two of them in real time just to hang out with one made me feel uneasy.
A bitter memory suddenly surfaced.
In my previous life, right after being discharged from the military, I had asked a girl I liked at my part-time job to make plans for Christmas. But she said, “I already have plans,” and went off with her crush. I knew that feeling of loneliness all too well.
‘I was so desperate back then, I even begged her to let me at least third-wheel… Thinking about it now, that was completely nuts.’
Maybe they were trying to avoid a situation like that by coordinating in advance.
In my past life, I wasn’t the kind of social butterfly who got multiple invitations for Christmas. Let alone from girls.
The more I thought about it, the more tangled my thoughts became.
After a few minutes of pondering, I finally came up with a solution.
“Ah.”
Why not just hang out all together?
We’ll all be going to the same school anyway. It’d be nice to get to know each other better before the new year. We could form a close-knit group based on school ties, something I hadn’t experienced since elementary school.
And I’d be the one leading the charge.
“…!”
That’s it!
This time, I’ll be the ultimate social butterfly.
I’ll be the Christmas party planner!
‘Oh my gosh! I finally have this kind of popular, leader-like energy…!’
Alright. It’s time for a Christmas party!
I slapped my forehead in excitement.
“Ooooh!”
With the brilliant solution now in my grasp, I quickly sent a reply.
-Typing away!-
「How about we all hang out together with the other friends?」
But the reply didn’t come immediately.
“…?”
Wh-why not…?
*
Mari sat in the back seat of the car, waiting for a reply to her text message.
She had just taken off the patient gown that had clung to her like a second skin and was now dressed in a white coat, heading home. Her long hospitalization had finally ended.
Of course, she still needed to visit the hospital for follow-ups, but…
She raised her right hand.
“….It feels a little numb.”
The doctor had assured her she was fine, yet the tingling sensation at her fingertips lingered. Whenever she focused even a little, her right arm seemed to stiffen.
“.…”
Her chest felt heavy, weighed down.
“Hah, it’s stifling…”
Out of habit, something she’d done since childhood, she reflexively reached to open the car window. Her slender fingers moved toward the window switch.
– Jolt!
“…Ah.”
The sensation was familiar, triggering a memory.
Out of nowhere, a scene from months ago resurfaced in her mind.
– It hurts, it hurts, it hurts…!
The sound of grinding metal.
A piercing screech.
The acrid smell of burning rubber.
The damp ground and the mud.
– Someone, please help me…!
Blood, endlessly flowing blood, and… pain.
The alien stares of people who seemed to pity her.
No matter what she said, they looked at her as if she were mad.
“…”
As the memory unfolded, her heart pounded like she had just watched a horror movie. Cold sweat began to form.
“…I-I should put on my seatbelt.”
Mari’s fingertips trembled. She quickly withdrew her hand from the window switch and double-checked her seatbelt. She repeatedly glanced out the window and surveyed the surroundings outside.
“…”
It was an ordinary road in Seoul.
Being a weekday morning, traffic was sparse.
Even so, she couldn’t help but scan her surroundings.
“…”
Glance
Glance
“…”
Glance
Glance
“…”
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
There were no threats to her safety.
Probably.
At least for now…
“…Yeah, it’s… okay.”
Even so, the back of her neck felt as though it was being pierced by a sharp needle.
“.…”
Hurriedly, Mari reached into the bag she had placed in front of her and pulled out a familiar cardigan. A name tag was attached to it, bearing its original owner’s name:
‘Hana.’
A small, child-sized cardigan.
She buried her face in it, inhaling deeply. She had washed it several times, removing any scent save for that of fabric softener and her own faint smell. Yet, the act had become a peculiar source of comfort.
“…Hana.”
Her friend.
The one who finally understood her.
The one who completely accepted her.
Her substitute for her late mother.
The one who suddenly appeared in her life like a ray of light…
“…That’s why I feel at ease.”
As she murmured to herself, the chauffeur in the driver’s seat, Mr. Kang, spoke up.
“Miss, is something the matter?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Hehe.”
Even as she replied, Mari continued clutching the cardigan in her hand.
Mr. Kang glanced at her through the rearview mirror, his expression tinged with concern.
“.…”
“Well… more importantly, sir, do you think it’s possible to rent a place for Christmas? A place where we can just have fun for a day?”
“Ah, right, Christmas is coming up. You want to spend time with Miss Hana, don’t you?”
“Of course. She’s my only friend.”
“…..”
“…..”
Even without saying it aloud, both people in the car knew the unspoken truth.
Mr. Kang deliberately lightened his tone and spoke again.
“Since it’s the Christmas season, the whole country will be bustling. Even reserving a café won’t be easy. Haha, why not enjoy a lively outing with Miss Hana at a theater, karaoke, or a café? Or maybe consider going on a trip abroad…?”
“Oh…”
Mari buried her face in her cardigan again and said,
“Be-being in crowded places is… kind of scary now.”
“I-I see. I’m sorry.”
“…It’s okay.”
“….”
As the awkward silence grew heavier, Mari’s phone suddenly rang.
–Ding-dong!
Finally, a reply came.
“….!”
Mari quickly opened her phone.
「What about hanging out with the others?」
“…..”
Mari’s face crumpled into a frown.
Sure, the plan was to practice making friends together, but honestly, she had hoped to just spend a cozy Christmas with Hana instead of opening up a social scene.
But she felt guilty expressing such feelings.
‘Dealing with others right now… just feels uncomfortable,’ Mari thought.
She buried her face deep into her cardigan again, inhaling the comforting scent of fabric softener as she muttered softly,
“…What should I do?”
*
「Mari: “…Sorry. Not yet ready.」
「Juri: “Sorry if I bothered you.」
「Mija: “I’ll pass.」
“…?”
W-what…?
By lunchtime, all three had sent back rejections. The gloomy tone seeped through their messages, making it obvious.
The ambitious “Hana’s Christmas Party Grand Plan” that Mari had hoped to launch had crumbled to pieces. She couldn’t believe it. The bitter realization stung her heart, and a sigh escaped her lips.
“Ugh.”
So, I’ll never have what it takes, huh?
That mysterious social charm called “Insider Aura”…!
‘The site foreman who effortlessly gathers dozens of coworkers for drinks, or that signboard shop owner Mr. Kim who’s always hosting get-togethers with the local merchants… They all had that unshakable insider vibe.’
Oh, how I envy them.
I bow down. That’s the difference between me and them.
With a mournful expression, I picked up a piece of fried chicken.
–Crunch!
I savored the crispy, oily flavor of the skin. When the greasiness got overwhelming, I cleansed my palate with some pickled radish. A perfect balance.
‘Even sorrowful fried chicken tastes amazing…’
Don’t argue taste with someone who hasn’t eaten tear-soaked fried chicken.
“Sniff, today’s fried chicken was delicious.”
“…..”
Watching me, my uncle—sitting across from me—gave me a bemused look.
Then, he spoke,
“Hey, do you always eat with your phone in your hand now? Living alone for a few months and all your manners are gone, huh?”
“I don’t usually do this.”
“Then what makes this not usual?”
“The moment when a carefully prepared plan collapses.”
“What were you planning? Don’t tell me you were preparing for Christmas by trying to get a boyfriend?”
“….?!”
His words sent shivers down my spine.
Wait a second.
A boyfriend…?!
The mere mention of the word brought a huge wave of rejection, and I reflexively shouted,
“Uncle, are you insane?!”
“Haha, you act like a middle-aged grump most of the time, but moments like this, you’re such a kid.”
“Ugh…!”
My uncle gave me a rare, affectionate smile. He chewed a piece of pickled radish and casually said,
“Well, it’s not impossible. You’re a kid, not a nun. If you meet someone decent who matches your personality, you could date them. Of course, it has to be a healthy, ‘student-like’ relationship. Anything beyond that, and the guy’s getting beat with this chicken bone.”
“…..”
It was such a casual remark, yet half-serious enough that I couldn’t respond.
Growing my hair out or wearing skirts wasn’t nearly as heavy as this.
Uncle’s joke hit me harder.
He assumes… I’ll date a guy someday.
Honestly, it’s not unreasonable.
“…”
And that’s when I realized.
Somehow, the fact that I’d actually become a woman truly hit me. It was a cold, hard truth hidden among the things I needed to do, my dreams, and the relationships I’d yet to form.
I wasn’t ‘Go Hun.’
I was Go Hana.
A girl born into this world, living as a girl.
…Just an ordinary girl.
‘Could it really be that one day I’ll date or marry a guy?’
Ugh…?!
No, that’s way too much!
“…..”
“Somehow…
Just imagining it still gave me chills.
It was still… still way too early.
‘She’s only at an age where she’d be in elementary school; that’s a bit much.’
So, to hide my unease, I spoke as quickly as I could.
“There’s no such thing as that guy. None at all.”
“Hah… Somehow, I just have this uneasy feeling like one’s going to show up soon. Is this what it feels like to be a dad with a daughter?”
“You’re overthinking it. You’re not even married, so what are you going on about?”
“When I graduate from technical school and get a proper job, I’ll find myself a proper bride-to-be, you brat.”
“Sure you will.”
“So, what’s the real reason?”
“Well, you see…”
I explained to my uncle about my first meeting with the three friends and the Christmas plan we had this time. Of course, I left out overly private details appropriately.
Then my uncle looked at me with a pitying expression and said,
“You’re such a kid at times like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Obviously, you should say no to all of them.”
“Why, why…?”
“They’re not… ‘close childhood friends’; they’re just ‘Hanul classmates,’ right?”
“…?”
Wh-what’s the difference…?
I stared at him with eyes that screamed,
“Explain it in a way even an outcast like me can understand!”
My uncle shook his head.
“If you’re with someone you’ve never met before, and someone you’re lucky to meet once in a lifetime as a close friend, who would you want to talk to?”
“The latter?”
“But then, if that person brings along a whole bunch of others and says, ‘These are my friends too!’ and then doesn’t pay attention to you and walks off… could you really become close?”
“Probably not…?”
My uncle waved a chicken bone and said,
“The point is, you can’t just throw them into a big group meeting all at once. There needs to be a chance for them to get to know each other first.”
“So, this Christmas…!”
“No.”
“…?”
My dear uncle,
Park Taeoh, for the first time in a while, narrowed his eyes sharply and said,
“Don’t throw all three of them together at once this time. Instead, let them meet in pairs—two, two, and two—little by little.”
“…!”