The distance between the Serigard and the Rigmond territory was quite considerable, so by the time I returned to the Rigmond estate, it was already past midnight.
“…Where have you been?”
The one who greeted me was Ilia, my wife and my lord.
“Were you waiting for me?”
At my question, Ilia slowly nodded.
Her honest reaction brought a smile to my face, and I approached her.
“Shall we take a walk around the estate?”
“At this hour?”
“I have a lot to tell you.”
Ilia blinked for a moment.
“What’s wrong? You seem different today.”
“Haha… Do I?”
It was inevitable.
No matter how optimistic I was, facing death was something I couldn’t help but be affected by.
Even though I had prepared myself, the fact that I had less than half a day left to live was enough to create a small crack in my resolve.
Following her into war had been possible because I was confident in my abilities.
It was a minimal safety net, so to speak.
I am neither a perfect person nor a superhuman.
Just six years ago, I had no such resolve and avoided taking responsibility.
‘…But now is different.’
I looked at the woman before me.
Her neatly arranged hair, the white forehead visible through her bangs, the two blue eyes that now held warmth, the straight nose, and the crimson lips that formed a gentle curve.
This was a sacrifice to protect her.
I lowered my head and looked at my right hand.
All fingers except the index and thumb were prosthetic, made through magical engineering.
They were symbols of the sacrifices I had made for Ilia.
Seeing them, the trembling and hesitation gradually subsided.
The quivering of my lips, which had been habitually forming a gentle curve, steadied, and the sound of my heartbeat gradually quieted.
All I needed to do now was ensure the safety of this woman I loved so dearly, and that was all.
…Just one last selfish desire.
I had no wish to be loved by Ilia.
But I wanted to spend even just one hour of this dawn with her, in complete peace.
Before I died, I wanted to see her face for even one more minute.
I wanted to meet her eyes for even one more second.
I was a man who couldn’t help it, so when death approached, I couldn’t escape from such desires.
“…Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Even if I weren’t, I’d have to be fine for a walk with Ilia.”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
Ilia’s cheeks flushed faintly.
For some reason, that sight made my heart race.
“Just this once. After our walk, go see the doctor for a check-up.”
“Understood.”
As I said that, I linked my arm with hers.
It was an action more suited to lovers, and Ilia’s blush deepened.
Yet, she didn’t refuse.
“…What does this mean?”
“I don’t know, I just wanted to try it once.”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
Though she said that, Ilia didn’t pull away.
Perhaps she vaguely sensed that a parting between us was approaching.
…
The Rigmond estate was, as always, covered in snow.
Due to the northern climate, snow fell from autumn to early spring, making it a common sight.
The only difference was that there was no one on the streets.
“It’s… quiet.”
“I’ve never walked around the Rigmond estate at night before.”
“…I’ve done it once before.”
Ilia rarely talks about her past.
As she spoke of it, I focused on her voice.
“I still remember that day. I can’t forget it, because it was the day we got engaged.”
I couldn’t say anything.
The engagement had taken place immediately after my parents’ funeral, without even time to change clothes.
Ilia had to sit for hours, arm in arm with a man she had just met, wearing a black mourning dress.
All for the sake of painting a commemorative engagement portrait.
I heard that later, the emperor burned the portrait from that day.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how much shame and anger Ilia must have felt.
‘For me… it was a dreamlike time.’
I had fallen in love with her at first sight.
To become her fiancé was like receiving a once-in-a-lifetime gift of luck.
‘Could it be that we feel so differently about each other?’
I looked at her arm linked with mine.
It was the same posture as that day, so I couldn’t help but be conscious of it.
‘…Should I pull away?’
I realized that this small, desire-driven action could hurt her.
So, I slowly loosened my arm to pull away, but—
Squeeze—
Ilia, as if refusing to let go, tightened her grip.
Even with the difference in strength between men and women, she was a master.
I was caught by her before I could resist.
…No, that was just an excuse.
I was also a master, and I had a slight advantage in strength.
I could have resisted, but I couldn’t bring myself to push her hand away.
I was that weak to my desires.
“Sometimes, you really seem like a fool. I can see what you’re thinking.”
As she said that, Ilia smiled.
It was a mesmerizing smile, the one I had longed to see.
“…But I appreciate the consideration.”
As she said that, she took my hand.
“…Ilia?”
She slowly moved her hand, caressing mine.
“You have a lot of calluses…”
“Well, I do wield a sword.”
Though Ilia’s hands were white and delicate, neither of us argued the point.
I could only faintly feel the texture of her hand with my calloused one.
At my actions, Ilia smiled faintly and said,
“You’re kind of a pervert.”
“…That can’t be. It’s Ilia who’s holding my hand.”
“Then should I let go?”
“…”
I couldn’t say anything.
Asking her not to let go would make me seem like a real pervert, but telling her to let go would mean losing the blissful sensation of her hand.
Seeing my hesitation, Ilia smiled again.
“Just kidding.”
As she said that, she placed her hand over mine.
No, it didn’t end there.
She interlaced her fingers with mine.
The blissful sensation left me rooted to the spot.
It was the first time I had felt this since our wedding day three years ago, and since Ilia had initiated it.
“…What does this mean?”
“…I’m not really sure myself.”
As she said that, Ilia’s face was already flushed crimson.
“…Give me a week. I think I’m starting to understand what this feeling is…”
“…”
I couldn’t respond.
A week.
Just a week.
A week I could never surpass.
I could guess what she was trying to say.
If she had said this a week ago, or even just yesterday, I would have collapsed on the spot.
Overwhelmed with happiness, I might have hugged her.
Her words held the value of a miracle, something I had never even dared to hope for.
But reality was cruel.
I didn’t even have half a day left, let alone a week.
The time Ilia and I had was vastly different, and I had to desperately ignore the day that would never come.
Joy and sorrow consumed my body, reaching into my heart.
My heart raced like never before, but my mind couldn’t keep up.
I simply stood there, feeling tears I hadn’t known in so long welling up.
My head was tilted toward the sky.
The stars were so bright.
The moon was bright too.
But that wasn’t my fate.
It had to be Ilia’s fate.
So, I swallowed my tears and looked at her.
I wanted to spend a little more time with her.
To walk slowly through the village, to talk, to see her radiant smile a little longer.
But now that I knew our hearts were aligned, I couldn’t do that.
I had to cut it off before Ilia fully realized her feelings.
Ilia was only 21.
Not even half of her life had passed.
She had so much life left, and I didn’t want her to be bound to someone who was leaving.
Knowing that the pain now wouldn’t even be a tenth of the pain later, I suppressed my aching heart and spoke.
“…No, Ilia, I think you’re still unsure of your feelings.”
I had uttered something terribly cruel.
How would she react?
Anger, shame, emptiness, disappointment.
I imagined countless negative emotions flashing across her face.
All those emotions were ones I had felt from her on our wedding day.
Back then, it was okay for Ilia to feel those things toward me, but now it wasn’t.
If I saw even a glimpse of those emotions, I would surely break.
…I was too cowardly, unable to face Ilia’s gaze, so I turned my eyes away.
“…You’re really a fool.”
My head was turned.
Not by my own will.
And what I faced were Ilia’s closed eyes.
That was all.
Bliss.
That was my impression of my first kiss.