But at some point, I started to see the child shrinking.Â
The bold, clear look in his eyes began to waver aimlessly.
When Kim Jae-ha reappeared as an actor, he looked quite different from his childhood self.
Even so, for some reason, that child kept lingering in my mind.
So, when Dongshik Jeon and I decided to start a company, he became the very first person I wanted to recruit.
But there was a problem.
Strange rumors that had started circulating from a certain point began to hold us back.
“You know, right? There’s this idol who recently left YM. Apparently, the chairman there was quite fond of him. I heard they’re trying to pull some strings to make him crawl back on his own. What was his name again? Ah, he used to be a bit famous… Oh, Dalkong!”
That was what an acquaintance told me—someone who’d worked as a seasoned manager in the entertainment industry and later became the president of another agency.
The ‘strings’ he mentioned referred to putting pressure on the new agency the idol transferred to, telling them to deliberately neglect him.
But how could YM do that?
YM is practically synonymous with ‘idol powerhouse,’ so I was suspicious for only a moment.
“Didn’t you know? Han Seong Changtu is owned by the YM chairman’s younger brother.”
It was a company that had suddenly appeared, making aggressive investments not only in dramas and movies but even in entertainment companies.
Its capital was so vast that people speculated the real owner was a Chinese investor, and the person active in Korea was just a figurehead.
But it turned out Han Seong Changtu was actually owned by the YM chairman’s younger brother.
Han Seong Changtu quietly expanded its influence and, before anyone noticed, started using its investments to shape the industry as it pleased.
“Don’t even get me started. The Han Seong Changtu chairman goes around saying that any company taking in Dalkong without their permission should be ready to take down their sign!”
Of course, the story probably got exaggerated in the telling, but even so, it was an outrageous thing to say.
‘That’s why I thought we needed to bring him in even more.’
But convincing Dongshik Jeon was another matter.
Just as I was considering pushing things through by force if I had to, news came that Kim Jae-ha was participating in “Casting With My Own Hands!”.
I pretended not to know anything and put the show on in front of Dongshik Jeon—and sure enough, he couldn’t take his eyes off Kim Jae-ha.
‘Sister, that kid’s got what it takes, no matter what.’
That was what Dongshik Jeon said, full of conviction when he saw the young Kim Jae-ha.
He had a natural eye for people.
That’s why, when I, Miyoun Jung, turned thirty and people started calling me a washed-up actress and left one by one, he stayed by my side.
Honestly, back then, I had lost confidence in myself, so I asked him why he didn’t go work for another actor.
He just said—
“I believe in you, Sister. You’d do great even playing a mom. You’re not someone who’ll end your career there.”
So now, I’ve become an actress praised for breaking through the limits of a middle-aged actress, but the one who supported me to get here is acting like this.
I couldn’t help but sigh.
‘Why is he like that?’
Maybe it’s because he started when the company was strict and spent so long being called “Manual shik” instead of Dongshik Jeon for not doing his work properly, or maybe it’s just his nature.
Even after more than twenty years together, I still don’t know.
But that habit of getting scared before even trying is still a problem.
‘And yet, once he makes up his mind, he pushes through no matter what. It’s strange.’
“Yeah. I can’t say it doesn’t bother me either. But are any of our actors the type to let themselves get pushed around elsewhere?”
“…No. You’ve only brought in the best, Sister.”
For starters, Miyoun Jung herself was a solid, dependable actress.
That’s why, after seeing her, even a few veteran actors known for being hard to move left their agencies to join Saebit.
Next came the middle-aged supporting actors who are still active in the field today.
In the film world, they’re considered irreplaceable.
With a solid infrastructure of outstanding actors, their goal and strategy was simple: bring in a promising new shoot and nurture it well!
“It’s not like Han Seong Changtu is the only investor. They already ruined a bunch of dramas and movies by interfering too much, and now they only invest in variety shows or in productions by YM, right?”
“That’s… true.”
“Didn’t you say Jae-ha has what it takes?”
“That’s also… true. To be exact, even if he fails 9,999 times, he’s the type to succeed on the 10,000th try if it’s something he wants.”
It was almost settled.
Miyoun Jung finally brought out her last, most cherished words.
“And, Dongshik.”
“Yes, Sister.”
“We may not have connections, but don’t we have pride?”
In that instant, Dongshik Jeon’s eyes sparkled.
“Th-that…”
“Right! That’s it!!”
It was the very response Miyoun Jung had been waiting for.
“Knock, knock”—someone tapped on the CEO’s office door.
***
“Alright, Kim Jae-ha. Let’s work well together from now on, okay?”
I’d walked into the CEO’s office after making a firm resolve, my determination set.
But everything was over in an instant.
I was holding a sample contract in my hand, and Teacher, who’d just told me to go home, think it over, and decide, was now holding out her hand, saying, “Let’s work well together.”
“…Pardon?”
“Why are you just staring blankly? Aren’t you going to shake my hand?”
“Ah, sorry!”
I hurriedly grabbed Teacher’s hand.
She smiled, curling up the corners of her lips.
“It’s a promise, okay?”
But I haven’t even signed the contract yet…
Still, I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of relief inside.
It was as if Saebit Entertainment had already made their decision, had no intention of backing out, and that whether the contract was finalized was entirely up to me.
That’s why I almost forgot.
There was something I really had to say today.
“Before that, there’s something I must tell you.”
“Hm? What is it?”
“I…”
‘Do I really have to say it? I have Calming Pills. And I was planning to get over it soon anyway.’
The tempting possibility of a rosy future called to me.
It was sweet enough to make me want to just close my eyes and let it slide.
But I mustn’t forget.
Calming Pills were only a temporary fix, and the possibility of ‘me, overcoming Panic Disorder soon’ was vague and unrealistic.
‘Did you forget you finished just fine before you died?’
Now, my mind tempted me with memories of finishing before my death.
Sure, I finished it well.
But I couldn’t do any off-schedule events.
I couldn’t trust those who said they liked me, and I was only afraid.
I didn’t want to keep standing in front of those who supported me while I was still like that.
‘Are you really going to let go of the lifeline you finally grabbed?’
Still, I couldn’t hide it.
I wouldn’t be able to for long anyway.
“To tell you the truth… I have Panic Disorder.”
At last, I said it out loud.
The sudden silence that followed gave me goosebumps.
As the silence stretched on, I unconsciously tried to let go of Teacher’s hand, but suddenly, she gripped it tightly.
“Hey. I have it too, Panic Disorder.”
“…Excuse me?”
sksksk
Miyoun Jung spoke again after a brief silence, only after taking another sip or two of her tea.
“It’s been over ten years, I think? I’ve been on medication the whole time. Only the people close to me know, since there’s no need to tell everyone. If you’re okay with it, you could try getting treatment at the same hospital I go to.”
Her tone was neither heavy nor light—just matter-of-fact.
It wasn’t something to just ignore, but she acted as if it wasn’t such a big deal either.
Maybe my shock was written all over my face, because she looked at me and folded her arms.
“What, did you really think that was some huge disqualification? There aren’t that few entertainers with Panic Disorder, you know.”
She wasn’t wrong.
But…
While I unconsciously parted my lips, Teacher lightly—no, firmly—patted my shoulder.
“Self-deprecation is a habit. Fix it.”
Then she added one condition.
“Hmm… Let’s do this. Start treatment for your Panic Disorder. That’ll be our contract condition.”
I nodded like an idiot at Teacher’s words and left the company building.
Both Teacher and the CEO saw me off until I got into a taxi, which felt a little awkward but I was grateful.
Click.
The familiar sound of my front door opening greeted me.
My small studio apartment looked the same as always, but for some reason, everything felt new, as if I was seeing it for the first time.
‘Did I finally lose my mind?’
My head felt blank, my body light as if floating.
I washed my hands, absentmindedly rearranged my bookshelf, and then realized—
I’m actually in a good mood right now.
I’d always been anxious.
I couldn’t relax, not even for a moment.
My goals felt impossibly far away, and my reality kept hitting rock bottom.
At some point, I started to think that unless I succeeded, I didn’t even deserve to feel happy in daily life.
‘I thought for sure they’d be troubled, maybe frown at me.’
At the very least, I expected that kind of reaction.
That’s how everyone in the industry had responded so far.
But Teacher and the CEO didn’t.
Of course, there’s still something I haven’t told them.
YM has been interfering with my activities, and will probably keep doing so.
I don’t have any solid proof, so I couldn’t bring it up…
‘They’ll probably experience it for themselves before I can even find proof.’
“It’s always one mountain after another.”
My quiet mutter echoed through the room.
I stood still, chewing over those words, then let out a short laugh without realizing it.
‘When was it ever any different?’
As I brushed off my heavy feelings, I recalled the last thing Teacher said to me.
“Self-deprecation is a habit.”
She was right.
Deep down, I had wanted to deny her words that Panic Disorder wasn’t a real obstacle to my contract.
Anyway, the contract… worked out well.
And then, out of nowhere, I suddenly thought of Seo Eun-jae.
I picked up my phone.
[When are you free?]
It didn’t take long for the unread mark next to my message to Seo Eun-jae to disappear.
***
The headquarters of IdeaTV was located near Central Square, the busiest part of the Living District in the Transcendent Realm.
This Living District was a space where those who had been born and died as humans, but had built up enough fame to be candidates for godhood, resided.
The way the Living District blended the civilizations of various worlds was quite a sight to behold.
But for the Nameless man, it didn’t make much of an impression.
With so many souls of all shapes and forms living here, no one paid attention to the Nameless man, who wore a mask over his face.
Thanks to that, he was able to slip quickly into the IdeaTV headquarters like a breeze.
The mask looked ordinary, but a staff member recognized it as one issued to channel managers of IdeaTV and guided him to the conference room on the 6th floor.
“Oh! Welcome, you must be the Nameless man, right?”
A man sitting at the head seat of the long table in the conference room greeted him warmly.
This man, also masked, had light green hair and was dressed in an all-white suit.
The small letters written under the eye of his mask revealed who he was.