Chapter 57: Dissolve: His Last Choice

Jooho Yoon had been sleeping with Jin Jung for several years.

It was “a relationship without any responsibilities” something they had both agreed on from the start.

It was dry, emotionless, and required no deeper attachment, which made it feel comforting to Jooho.

Though their relationship had gone on for a long time, there were years when they slept together only two or three times. 

There was no obligation to make time for each other amid their busy schedules. 

Sometimes, they’d just share drinks, talk about acting, and part ways without sex. 

They respected each other’s perspectives on acting independently of physical intimacy.

It was, quite literally, a friends-with-benefits arrangement with friends who sometimes had sex.

Jin seemed just as indifferent to the idea of romantic love as Jooho was. 

That’s why he never questioned it. 

He assumed she was just as satisfied with the relationship as he was.

『The last time we slept together… wasn’t that about six months ago?』

So, when she refused to have sex and said that, he interpreted it as dissatisfaction with the long gap. 

Six months was a bit extreme, he admitted even felt a twinge of guilt about it.

『I’ve fallen for someone really hard. So I’m not going to sleep with you anymore.』

Only when he heard that did he realize this was more serious than he thought.

Loving someone seriously. 

Being faithful to just one person. 

Reporting your daily life, what you ate, who you met, where you went. 

Explaining yourself to soothe jealousies and suspicions… 

For Jooho, all of that felt like labor.

He thought Jin felt the same.

He believed they truly understood each other. 

That they were the most in-sync people in each other’s lives.

Someone who never demanded, never clung, always stayed constant in his life.

And that constancy was something Jooho valued deeply.

So he was stunned. 

That Jin had someone she really liked.

He’d thought she was incapable of conventional romantic relationships.

He felt like he was the one left behind.

He once overheard a phone call between Jin and the person she said she now liked.

『When I told you it was over, I thought just like before we could pretend it never happened and move on. But this time… I couldn’t.』

It was a voice he’d never heard from her before.

The woman who used to ask him for cigarettes in a blunt tone after sex was now whispering sweetly, gently confessing her love.

『Hana, I love you.』

Just like any other mundane couple.

Like ordinary people swept away by the fleeting emotion of love, losing themselves in it.

When Jooho heard her say those words over the phone, he realized there was no chance of turning her heart back.

There had always been something missing between him and Jin.

No sweet words, no promises for the future, no romantic dinners.

Not even post-sex cuddling or the soft intimacy of lingering touch.

He had been perfectly fine with this sex-without-romance arrangement, assuming she felt the same. She had never once voiced dissatisfaction.

Even when Jooho had other partners, or even when he dated someone else Jin never showed any jealousy or possessiveness.

But the truth was, Jin wasn’t disinterested in love or relationships.

She was just disinterested in having that with Jooho.

It was only after losing her that he realized he hadn’t wanted to lose her at all. 

But by then, it was too late.

He had felt secure, believing she understood him and was just like him. 

But he wasn’t.

He had been looking for something he had never given and had never planned to.

He had never really understood him. 

And he was never truly like him.

■

Yoon Jooho stubbed out his cigarette, picked up the beer can, and stood up. 

He unlocked the door lock at the entrance of the master zone using his fingerprint.

Just beyond the door was a hallway that connected to the main bedroom, bathroom, dressing room, and study. 

By installing a door lock only at the master zone’s entrance, Jooho could safely secure the important areas he used most.

There had been an incident in the past where a fan had broken into his bedroom. 

Some managers had even stolen expensive items like his watches, bags, wine, and whiskey. 

After such incidents repeated, he started installing door locks on each important room. 

Now, the only people who could freely enter were Jooho himself and Manager Bang.

The atmosphere of the bedroom was noticeably different from the living room or any other space in the house. 

Even when he invited people over, no one was allowed in here. 

This was Jooho’s personal cave.

While the hallway proudly displayed trophies and plaques thanks to pressure from his parents, the display cabinet in the bedroom held scripts from his past acting projects and character analysis notebooks that Jooho had written himself alongside trophies and figurines sent by fans.

The interior was designed purely for sleep.

A Swedish bed worth hundreds of millions of won. 

All lighting was indirect, with dimmer switches installed for fine control. 

Fully automated blackout blinds and curtains blocked out any external light. His favorite scented candles. 

And above the bed, a large original poster of Days of Being Wild.

Once inside the bedroom, Jooho immediately looked for the remote.

As always, the TV was set to his preferred channel, a variety show with people laughing over silly jokes. 

He set the volume to 5 and tossed the remote onto the bed beside his phone.

Just as he turned to light a candle, he suddenly froze.

“……”

A shopping bag from a major bookstore caught his eye, propped up against the bedside table.

It was the bag containing the books and notebook he’d received from Song Hyunsoo.

He had placed it in the bedroom just before the year-end party whirlwind began, and hadn’t had the time to open it since.

After lighting a candle, Jooho brought the shopping bag over to the single-seater sofa by the window.

The moment he checked the contents, a deflated chuckle escaped his lips.

Two compact, easy-to-carry books, a notebook, and a set of eleven colored pens.

The spiral notebook, which flipped upward, had a cover decorated with cat characters— mother cats and kittens enjoying a peaceful time together.

“What a savage sense of humor.”

Jooho was the type who wouldn’t even bring mismatched chopsticks into his house if they didn’t suit his taste. 

And yet, instead of grimacing, he just laughed under his breath.

Each of the eleven pens was decorated with a different cat character— Persian, Siamese, Abyssinian, Exotic…

He opened the plastic cover, took out one pen, and clicked it.

“Is this a gift for an elementary school student?”

He snorted and twirled the pen in his hand before picking up one of the books.

The book Hyunsoo had chosen was impressively pretentious— a humanities book compiling short excerpts from a famous German philosopher.

As he flipped through the pages, Jooho couldn’t stop smiling. 

He imagined the hot-headed Hyunsoo, who stuffed his cheeks with strawberries and burst into tears whenever something upset him, carefully picking out this book. 

Actually, it was so easy to imagine that it made him laugh.

Telling me to sit at a desk and hand-copy philosophical maxims?

Even the quack doctors who claimed they could help him sleep had never dared recommend something like this. 

Probably because they knew he’d never go along with it.

Jooho placed the book down on the table in front of the sofa and absentmindedly flipped open the notebook.

“……”

Beneath the cute cover, the very first page held a handwritten message.

Sunbae, honestly, I’m not that smart.

I feel like I can hear your voice somewhere saying, “I know,” haha.

That philosopher everyone talks about? 

I’ve only barely heard the name.

I went to the bookstore and skimmed through the book, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it…

Even so, I chose this book because of page xx.

I saw a photo of that page on the internet, and it reminded me of you.

You’ve always been my hero, Sunbae. 

Just like Baek Kang was to Lee San.

Please don’t doubt my devotion.

I like movies where the hero doesn’t get hit even once.

So don’t lose to anyone.

Go somewhere free and high above.

In the soft light, Yoon Jooho silently stared at the letters, pressed hard into the page like an elementary school boy had written them.

『Mr. Yoon Jooho, it’s such an honor to meet you. I’m a fan!』

How many times had he heard greetings like that in his life?

Ten thousand times? 

No, maybe a hundred thousand?

Even now, he heard it dozens of times a day.

It had been over ten years since he stopped taking those words at face value.

But there were still moments when someone’s words genuinely moved him.

Moments when meeting a good fan made him feel that continuing to act despite all the times it was shitty had been worth it.

Moments like now.

A phone notification rang through the soft white noise of the TV.

Yoon Jooho stood up from the sofa and checked the phone he had tossed onto the bed.

It was Song Hyunsoo.

“This guy really is something.”

He chuckled as he read the message.

《Sunbaenim, sorry to bother you while you’re resting. This is actor Song Hyunsoo. I took this selfie in your elevator today. Would it be okay to post it on my SNS? The background’s barely visible, so I don’t think anyone can tell where it is… but I figured I’d ask just in case.》

“What the hell now.”

The way he always talked back face-to-face but acted all polite in messages— Jooho couldn’t help but find it ridiculous.

He scrolled down and checked the attached photo while walking back to the sofa.

Ding. Another message arrived immediately after.

《We don’t want any scandals, right.》

Definitely something he debated sending, then decided to add.

“This guy’s seriously hilarious.”

He hadn’t even noticed when the heavy feeling from earlier the one that hit him when Bang scolded him had lifted.

Slumping down onto the sofa, Yoon Jooho grinned as he typed out a reply.

《A scandal before the movie even starts would be a problem, sure.

But this isn’t about the background, is it?

You’re just terrible at taking selfies.

Try again and send me a few better ones.》

After sending the message, he opened the book.

He flipped through the pages to find the one Hyunsoo had said reminded him of Jooho.

Sarak, sarak.

The sound of turning pages was pleasant.

The sensation of the paper fluttering under his fingers felt good, too.

Jung Jin, whom he met again after a year, had a ring on her left ring finger.

Though he felt a mix of emotions, it wasn’t as painful as a year ago.

Just like Bang had said— time really did dull even the kind of loss that once felt like it would kill you.

He wasn’t trying to say that his past feelings meant nothing.

They were never nothing.

But if Yoon Jooho seemed strange now, it wasn’t because of Jung Jin anymore.

『Yoon Jooho, I’m not buying it. You started acting strange around the time we saw that play before Jung left for Paris.』

Bang still had a sharp eye for Jooho.

But he was also missing something— something crucial.

The time Bang said Jooho started to change.

It overlapped with the day he last met Jin before he left for Paris,

But it was also when Song Hyunsoo entered his life.

Fiddling with a pen decorated with a cat character, Yoon Jooho flipped to the first page of a notebook.

And he wrote down the first sentence from the page Hyunsoo had mentioned.

<You are trying to go somewhere free and high above.>

Once he wrote that first line, he didn’t want to stop.

Something began to stir inside him.

Energy welled up from somewhere.

Yoon Jooho kept writing.

<May you never abandon love and hope. May you never abandon the noble hero that dwells within your soul.> 1)

1) Friedrich Nietzsche, <Thus Spoke Zarathustra>