Emojis
ForTestingPurposeThe distance between the Serigard and the Rigmond territory was quite considerable, so by the time I returned to the Rigmond estate, it was already past midnight.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…Where have you been?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe one who greeted me was Ilia, my wife and my lord.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Were you waiting for me?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAt my question, Ilia slowly nodded.
EmojisForTestingPurposeHer honest reaction brought a smile to my face, and I approached her.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Shall we take a walk around the estate?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“At this hour?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“I have a lot to tell you.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia blinked for a moment.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“What’s wrong? You seem different today.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Haha… Do I?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was inevitable.
EmojisForTestingPurposeNo matter how optimistic I was, facing death was something I couldn’t help but be affected by.
EmojisForTestingPurposeEven though I had prepared myself, the fact that I had less than half a day left to live was enough to create a small crack in my resolve.
EmojisForTestingPurposeFollowing her into war had been possible because I was confident in my abilities.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was a minimal safety net, so to speak.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI am neither a perfect person nor a superhuman.
EmojisForTestingPurposeJust six years ago, I had no such resolve and avoided taking responsibility.
EmojisForTestingPurpose‘…But now is different.’
EmojisForTestingPurposeI looked at the woman before me.
EmojisForTestingPurposeHer neatly arranged hair, the white forehead visible through her bangs, the two blue eyes that now held warmth, the straight nose, and the crimson lips that formed a gentle curve.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThis was a sacrifice to protect her.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI lowered my head and looked at my right hand.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAll fingers except the index and thumb were prosthetic, made through magical engineering.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThey were symbols of the sacrifices I had made for Ilia.
EmojisForTestingPurposeSeeing them, the trembling and hesitation gradually subsided.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe quivering of my lips, which had been habitually forming a gentle curve, steadied, and the sound of my heartbeat gradually quieted.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAll I needed to do now was ensure the safety of this woman I loved so dearly, and that was all.
EmojisForTestingPurpose…Just one last selfish desire.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI had no wish to be loved by Ilia.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBut I wanted to spend even just one hour of this dawn with her, in complete peace.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBefore I died, I wanted to see her face for even one more minute.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI wanted to meet her eyes for even one more second.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI was a man who couldn’t help it, so when death approached, I couldn’t escape from such desires.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…Are you okay?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Yes, I’m fine. Even if I weren’t, I’d have to be fine for a walk with Ilia.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia’s cheeks flushed faintly.
EmojisForTestingPurposeFor some reason, that sight made my heart race.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Just this once. After our walk, go see the doctor for a check-up.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Understood.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs I said that, I linked my arm with hers.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was an action more suited to lovers, and Ilia’s blush deepened.
EmojisForTestingPurposeYet, she didn’t refuse.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…What does this mean?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“I don’t know, I just wanted to try it once.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeThough she said that, Ilia didn’t pull away.
EmojisForTestingPurposePerhaps she vaguely sensed that a parting between us was approaching.
EmojisForTestingPurpose…
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe Rigmond estate was, as always, covered in snow.
EmojisForTestingPurposeDue to the northern climate, snow fell from autumn to early spring, making it a common sight.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe only difference was that there was no one on the streets.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“It’s… quiet.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“I’ve never walked around the Rigmond estate at night before.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…I’ve done it once before.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia rarely talks about her past.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs she spoke of it, I focused on her voice.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“I still remember that day. I can’t forget it, because it was the day we got engaged.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeI couldn’t say anything.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe engagement had taken place immediately after my parents’ funeral, without even time to change clothes.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia had to sit for hours, arm in arm with a man she had just met, wearing a black mourning dress.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAll for the sake of painting a commemorative engagement portrait.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI heard that later, the emperor burned the portrait from that day.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI couldn’t even begin to imagine how much shame and anger Ilia must have felt.
EmojisForTestingPurpose‘For me… it was a dreamlike time.’
EmojisForTestingPurposeI had fallen in love with her at first sight.
EmojisForTestingPurposeTo become her fiancé was like receiving a once-in-a-lifetime gift of luck.
EmojisForTestingPurpose‘Could it be that we feel so differently about each other?’
EmojisForTestingPurposeI looked at her arm linked with mine.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was the same posture as that day, so I couldn’t help but be conscious of it.
EmojisForTestingPurpose‘…Should I pull away?’
EmojisForTestingPurposeI realized that this small, desire-driven action could hurt her.
EmojisForTestingPurposeSo, I slowly loosened my arm to pull away, but—
EmojisForTestingPurposeSqueeze—
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia, as if refusing to let go, tightened her grip.
EmojisForTestingPurposeEven with the difference in strength between men and women, she was a master.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI was caught by her before I could resist.
EmojisForTestingPurpose…No, that was just an excuse.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI was also a master, and I had a slight advantage in strength.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI could have resisted, but I couldn’t bring myself to push her hand away.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI was that weak to my desires.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Sometimes, you really seem like a fool. I can see what you’re thinking.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs she said that, Ilia smiled.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was a mesmerizing smile, the one I had longed to see.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…But I appreciate the consideration.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs she said that, she took my hand.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…Ilia?”
EmojisForTestingPurposeShe slowly moved her hand, caressing mine.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“You have a lot of calluses…”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Well, I do wield a sword.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeThough Ilia’s hands were white and delicate, neither of us argued the point.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI could only faintly feel the texture of her hand with my calloused one.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAt my actions, Ilia smiled faintly and said,
EmojisForTestingPurpose“You’re kind of a pervert.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…That can’t be. It’s Ilia who’s holding my hand.”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Then should I let go?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…”
EmojisForTestingPurposeI couldn’t say anything.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAsking her not to let go would make me seem like a real pervert, but telling her to let go would mean losing the blissful sensation of her hand.
EmojisForTestingPurposeSeeing my hesitation, Ilia smiled again.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“Just kidding.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs she said that, she placed her hand over mine.
EmojisForTestingPurposeNo, it didn’t end there.
EmojisForTestingPurposeShe interlaced her fingers with mine.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe blissful sensation left me rooted to the spot.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt was the first time I had felt this since our wedding day three years ago, and since Ilia had initiated it.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…What does this mean?”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…I’m not really sure myself.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeAs she said that, Ilia’s face was already flushed crimson.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…Give me a week. I think I’m starting to understand what this feeling is…”
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…”
EmojisForTestingPurposeI couldn’t respond.
EmojisForTestingPurposeA week.
EmojisForTestingPurposeJust a week.
EmojisForTestingPurposeA week I could never surpass.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI could guess what she was trying to say.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIf she had said this a week ago, or even just yesterday, I would have collapsed on the spot.
EmojisForTestingPurposeOverwhelmed with happiness, I might have hugged her.
EmojisForTestingPurposeHer words held the value of a miracle, something I had never even dared to hope for.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBut reality was cruel.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI didn’t even have half a day left, let alone a week.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe time Ilia and I had was vastly different, and I had to desperately ignore the day that would never come.
EmojisForTestingPurposeJoy and sorrow consumed my body, reaching into my heart.
EmojisForTestingPurposeMy heart raced like never before, but my mind couldn’t keep up.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI simply stood there, feeling tears I hadn’t known in so long welling up.
EmojisForTestingPurposeMy head was tilted toward the sky.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe stars were so bright.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThe moon was bright too.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBut that wasn’t my fate.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIt had to be Ilia’s fate.
EmojisForTestingPurposeSo, I swallowed my tears and looked at her.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI wanted to spend a little more time with her.
EmojisForTestingPurposeTo walk slowly through the village, to talk, to see her radiant smile a little longer.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBut now that I knew our hearts were aligned, I couldn’t do that.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI had to cut it off before Ilia fully realized her feelings.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIlia was only 21.
EmojisForTestingPurposeNot even half of her life had passed.
EmojisForTestingPurposeShe had so much life left, and I didn’t want her to be bound to someone who was leaving.
EmojisForTestingPurposeKnowing that the pain now wouldn’t even be a tenth of the pain later, I suppressed my aching heart and spoke.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…No, Ilia, I think you’re still unsure of your feelings.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeI had uttered something terribly cruel.
EmojisForTestingPurposeHow would she react?
EmojisForTestingPurposeAnger, shame, emptiness, disappointment.
EmojisForTestingPurposeI imagined countless negative emotions flashing across her face.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAll those emotions were ones I had felt from her on our wedding day.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBack then, it was okay for Ilia to feel those things toward me, but now it wasn’t.
EmojisForTestingPurposeIf I saw even a glimpse of those emotions, I would surely break.
EmojisForTestingPurpose…I was too cowardly, unable to face Ilia’s gaze, so I turned my eyes away.
EmojisForTestingPurpose“…You’re really a fool.”
EmojisForTestingPurposeMy head was turned.
EmojisForTestingPurposeNot by my own will.
EmojisForTestingPurposeAnd what I faced were Ilia’s closed eyes.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThat was all.
EmojisForTestingPurposeBliss.
EmojisForTestingPurposeThat was my impression of my first kiss.