What is love?
Love is a very abstract thing, because it is always full of contradictions.
Su Ziyan’s first impression of love was also contradictory. When he was very young, he once saw a description of love in his primary school textbook. Strangely enough, even back then, the description of love was already self-contradictory.
He opened the same book and found that it said both that love is silent and that love is deafening.
At that time, he was truly confused, so he went home and asked his father, “What should love look like?”
The moment he asked this question, his father was stunned. It seemed he had never expected his son to ask him something like this at such a young age.
Even after understanding the reason, his father still didn’t give him an answer.
He simply said:
“Love is something that changes. Different ages and different experiences naturally lead to different views on love. You have to learn to find your own answer.”
Later, when he grew a little older, he watched his elder sister work herself to exhaustion for his sake and thought that love should be silent and wordless—something given quietly.
Even later, he met Cheng Qingyun. It took him four full years to go from treating her as a substitute to genuinely falling in love with her. Many times he thought, Why don’t I just be with her?
But every time she said she didn’t understand love and never once told him she loved him, Su Ziyan would give up again.
At that point, he felt that love was like a slogan—it needed to be spoken out loud.
The moment love was said aloud, the person saying it would already be prepared, and the person hearing it would naturally be ready and waiting.
As long as it was spoken, the two of them could run toward each other.
But unfortunately, he had never heard the person he loved say “I love you” to him.
Not from Cheng Qingyun, and not from Xu Duyan.
Until the accident… he lost his sight and became disabled.
By then, he no longer dared to hope for love, nor did he fantasize about staying together with his beloved for the rest of their lives…
But then Xu Duyan began to tell him she loved him.
She said it so firmly and directly, as if she had crossed thousands of mountains and rivers and gone through countless hardships, yet everything remained exactly as it had been from the very beginning.
As if she had loved him like this from the start.
But by this time, Su Ziyan had become deeply insecure and cowardly. All he wanted was to escape everything.
So now, he finally understood what love was.
To him, love was a curse.
Now, after finally hearing the “I love you” he had longed for so long, what Su Ziyan felt was not relief or release. There wasn’t even the slightest trace of joy.
All he felt was sadness.
Why did she clearly love him, yet reject him again and again when his love for her burned the brightest?
Why did she clearly love him, yet only say it now—when he no longer needed it and even wanted to run away from this love?
Why did she clearly love him, yet push him down when he was at his most insecure, at his most unable to face the light?
It was like saying she loved him while tying him to the sunlight and burning him alive.
It was like cursing him.
It gave him this love precisely when he had lost everything and was in the deepest despair.
It made him unable to protect the person he loved when he still had the ability to do so, and only after he became a useless person could he drag her into the abyss with him.
He couldn’t accept it.
So he asked her, “Xu Duyan, if you really have always loved me, why did you only say it now?”
When he asked this question, even he himself didn’t notice the expectation rising from the depths of his heart.
He expected that his elder sister—who had never let him down before—would definitely not disappoint him this time and would give him the most perfect answer.
An answer that would make him stop running away and stay with her.
An answer that would erase all of Su Ziyan’s insecurity and cowardice, so he would no longer feel like he would burden or hold Xu Duyan back.
An answer that would let the Su Ziyan who could no longer face the light stand in the sunlight once again and sincerely feel that he was a normal person.
Even though Su Ziyan himself didn’t know what kind of answer he truly wanted.
Yet he still hoped for it so desperately.
No other reason was needed. Just because the person pressing down on him was Xu Duyan—that alone was enough.
After hearing Su Ziyan’s question, Xu Duyan’s gaze subconsciously drifted away. She wanted to keep avoiding it like she had every time Su Ziyan confessed to her before, to act like an ostrich.
But when she lowered her head and saw the complicated look on his face, she felt she could no longer keep running away.
She lowered her head and lay down on Su Ziyan’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, taking deep breaths again and again.
Su Ziyan’s familiar scent gave her a great sense of security and the courage to finally say the words she had buried deep in her heart.
“Actually… I’ve always felt very inferior. Because I’m a full ten years older than you. I’m already an old woman.”
“And I’m also your elder sister. Even though we’re not blood-related, I still couldn’t imagine how much pressure you would have to bear if we really got together.”
“You know what? After we got drunk that time and that happened, my first reaction was actually secret joy. Because at that moment, I was despicably thinking that I had finally gotten you.”
“But when you confessed to me, I still didn’t dare to accept.”
“Because I felt that if we got together, I would only be a burden to you. You deserve a better life.”
“Even though you loved me so much, I was still so afraid.”
“I was afraid that if we really got together, after a long time passed, what if you started to dislike me? After all, when you’re forty, you’ll be in your prime, but I’ll already be old and faded.”
“At that time, would you dislike me? Would you resent me for tying you down? Would you regret confessing to me?”
“Actually, I know you wouldn’t do that. Because I’m your elder sister—the person who understands you best in this world. But I still couldn’t help being afraid.”
“I was afraid of becoming a burden to you, so I could only push you away again and again.”
“Actually, I love you so much. I think about you every single day. But whenever you appear in front of me, I can only push you away again and again.”
“Because I felt that if I accepted you, I would be starting a countdown. And when that countdown ended, I would become the burden dragging down your life.”
“At that point, I would have failed as your elder sister.”
“So it was better to just stay as your elder sister. That way, I could take care of you for a lifetime. And when I could no longer take care of you, you would already have a wife and wouldn’t need me anymore…”
“Clearly I love you and you love me too! But because of these ridiculous, wild thoughts, I pushed you away again and again and hurt you again and again…”
“I even felt secret joy because of your confession. I kept thinking I didn’t want to hold you back, yet I was happy that you still loved me. I…”
“I already understand,” Su Ziyan said, feeling the other person’s embrace growing tighter and tighter. He interrupted her confession and repentance.
“Then can you tell me—why have you started saying you love me now?”