Although it felt somewhat shameless or even disgusting, Xu Duyan loved her Younger Brother, who was 10 years younger than her.
Every time she looked at him, she felt a sense of, “What a wonderful child; he truly is the husband I’ve raised since childhood.”
But it wasn’t until the year he actually graduated that she realized she was already 28.
Su Ziyan was 18, in the prime of his youth, while she was 28.
Although her life was peaceful, it had long since become a pool of stagnant water, destined to never change again.
At that time, she suddenly felt that she shouldn’t love him anymore.
If the two of them were really together, when he was in his 30s and in his prime, she would already be in her late 40s, nearing 50…
Every time she thought about these things, Xu Duyan would shudder.
She felt so inferior.
If they were just siblings, she would only feel proud of raising such a good brother like Su Ziyan.
But if she truly expressed her feelings, wanting to be with him as a couple…
Even just standing side by side with Su Ziyan, Xu Duyan would feel like she was redundant.
When it came to the age gap between men and women, there was a saying: three years older, a gold brick; five years older, like a mother…
This wasn’t some world of cultivation where one could achieve immortality and stay forever young.
In reality, being 10 years older was already like being “two mothers.”
Not to mention, she was just an old woman who hadn’t even finished university and could only run a shop.
She had been forced to drop out of university to take care of Su Ziyan.
Even later, when Mother Su planned to send her back to finish her degree, she refused just so she could stay by Su Ziyan’s side.
If he ever felt wronged, she could bring him home immediately…
She knew very well that there were reasons for all these things.
If she told Su Ziyan, he wouldn’t care about her education level or her age…
But if 18-year-old him didn’t care, could 28-year-old her really not care?
She loved Su Ziyan so much that she didn’t want to hold him back.
So, she decided to bury this feeling deep in her heart.
Until she got drunk, leading to that accident.
When she woke up, she felt nothing but joy and shame.
The joy was because she had taken Su Ziyan’s first time, ensuring she would leave the most vivid mark in his heart.
The shame was because, as his sister, she would actually feel joy over such a thing.
What a truly wicked woman she was.
Looking at the sleeping face of Su Ziyan as he held her, she felt her heart filled with torment.
She wanted to lean down and steal a kiss but feared she would startle him awake.
Amidst this internal struggle, Su Ziyan woke up.
He confessed to her.
At that moment, she really wanted to accept his confession, but she still refused.
Back then, she thought he was just a child who didn’t know any better and that she couldn’t ruin his future…
Yet she hadn’t expected his pursuit to last for more than two years.
She thought that if he still insisted on it by the time he graduated university, she would tell him all the consequences and all of her complicated feelings.
By then, Su Ziyan would be a mature adult capable of distinguishing right from wrong.
At that time, she would give him one more chance to choose.
So during those two years of being pursued, even though she couldn’t help but engage in ambiguous behavior with him from time to time, she rejected his confessions countless times.
As an insecure woman, each of his confessions gave her a sense of satisfaction—a satisfaction that Su Ziyan still loved her.
But after that satisfaction faded, a sense of emptiness would follow.
She would curse her own weakness and lack of shame, fearing that he would never confess to her again…
She lived through those conflicted days, yet she was also extremely happy.
Because she loved Su Ziyan.
Therefore, anything related to him—even the pain and conflict he brought her—fascinated her.
Until… he got a girlfriend.
Su Ziyan stopped confessing to her.
At that time, she nearly went insane.
She congratulated Su Ziyan while weeping in her heart.
During the countless nights while Su Ziyan was away at university in another city, she would regret why she hadn’t agreed to him, rolling around on her bed alone.
After rolling around, she would think that this was also for the best; at least she didn’t have to worry about hindering Su Ziyan’s life.
Then she would smile foolishly while wiping away her tears.
What followed was unstoppable sorrow.
In the waves of sadness, she could only brainwash herself over and over.
“What if Su Ziyan’s girlfriend is just made up?”
After all, he had never shown her a single photo.
But she clearly should have been happy for Su Ziyan for having a girlfriend!
She nearly drove herself to a mental breakdown, yet she would still act like a big sister when he returned, thinking to herself that she was a lying woman.
But the disguise was never perfect.
Sometimes, she still couldn’t help but have small, ambiguous interactions with Su Ziyan.
During those moments, even the smallest interaction made her feel incredibly sweet.
But once it was over, she would still painfully curse herself for being shameless and seducing her younger brother who had a girlfriend.
But as mentioned before, as long as it came from Su Ziyan, even pain brought her happiness.
And so, she spent many years like a person with a mental illness.
Until today, when Su Ziyan suddenly wanted to come home.
She had hurried to arrange a bouquet of flowers.
Among them, the language of the Iris was “I miss you,” and the language of the Blue Enchantress was “I have always loved you secretly.”
Like a young girl hiding a secret, she gave the bouquet to Su Ziyan, both expectant and afraid.
Yet she also felt a deep sense of pathos, because even if he truly knew the language of the flowers, she would pretend she didn’t and claim it was just a coincidence.
Later, she heard Su Ziyan say he had broken up.
While cursing herself for being shameless, she fought to hold back a smile.
When they reached the car, Su Ziyan leaned in.
How she wished he would kiss her on the lips.
But in the end, he only kissed her cheek.
She fell back into that state of worrying about gains and losses.
She thought about how she was already 32 and shouldn’t act like a lovesick girl…
But she was so moved by his words about “never giving up” that she wanted to throw herself at him.
Until he said:
“I won’t pursue you anymore.”
Her heart finally went cold.
Fortunately, after many years of this mental turmoil, she had become a good actress.
Hiding her emotions was easy.
Even if his rejection felt like a nightmare…
Wait, a dream?
“If only it were a dream. That way, I could take the initiative to say goodbye to him without any reservations, right?”
“Could I…?”
It was then that Xu Duyan realized that even in a dream, she couldn’t bring herself to do that.
She was a coward after all.
She had wailed when her grandmother died, and she had trembled with fear when her foster father died, only able to force herself to look calm…
Just like now, even in a dream, she didn’t dare say she loved him.
Thinking of her pathetic life, a mist finally clouded her wine-red eyes.
An adult, after experiencing the worst day possible, finally breaks down in tears because they can’t twist open the cap of a drink from their late-night snack.
If only she were crying simply because she couldn’t open a drink.