Chapter 150: Two Knots

“Let’s wait another six months,” I made the final decision.

Si Zhizuo knelt on my lap, secretly peeking at Su Liumeng. Noticing her gaze, the little one immediately picked up her small bowl and took a tiny sip of corn porridge.

Su Liumeng looked at me.

What was the point of asking me?

How was I supposed to know what this girl was thinking?

She was likely brewing some mischievous plan to unleash on Su Liumeng all at once.

Late at night.

I lay flat between the two of them. Si Zhizuo’s breathing was very faint, sometimes making it seem as if she weren’t breathing at all.

I had just turned over when she stretched her thigh across my stomach, her little toes even digging slightly into my soft flesh.

I was a light sleeper, so it was impossible not to react to such a significant movement.

In the darkness.

Dazed, I opened my eyes and moved her thigh slightly, resting it against my waist where there was a bit more bone.

As a result.

The little one followed the movement in her sleep and pressed closer, clinging to my arm like an octopus.

“…”

Once startled awake, it was difficult to fall back asleep quickly. I watched the night view outside the window, my thoughts drifting back to many years ago.

I arrived at the orphanage when I was three years old, but I already had memories from before that.

In my few remaining fragments of memory, it seemed I had never fallen asleep in the arms of my biological mother.

Because my earliest memory was from when I was two years old.

It was a very, very small room.

I had never seen anyone. There was only day after day of darkness nearby. Every day, a little bit of food would be sent in through a small window.

Later, a noisy struggle broke out outside. Flames soared into the sky, and an official rescued me from the fire.

At three years old, I still couldn’t speak. I looked very wooden, my eyes dull, and I was often immersed in my own world. Almost everyone thought there was something wrong with my head.

He told me, “You have no family left.”

The three-year-old me listened to his comfort with an expressionless face.

At that time, I didn’t quite understand the concept of the word “family.”

Because.

I had never experienced the warmth of family.

I heard from others that some people originally wanted to adopt me, but they all disliked that I couldn’t speak. My face always wore a dull expression, leading them to believe I had intellectual deficiencies.

Later, I was sent to the orphanage.

At that moment, I was happy.

Because for the first time, I saw the real sun and food that was no longer cold.

Who would have known—

The orphanage was just another dragon’s den.

During my first few years at the orphanage, I wasn’t happy. I was frequently beaten.

Through a small window, I saw many families of three walking together on the road.

That was my happiest moment.

It was as if by seeing the happy smiles of these people, I could join them myself.

I was like a rat in the sewer, gloomily peering at all the beauty of the human world.

Bullying was constant.

Because I was the child who spoke the least, I was collectively isolated.

The reason was also ridiculous: I wouldn’t tattle.

Nails, ice water, beatings—I had long since grown accustomed to them.

This also made my personality more withdrawn. I often locked myself in my own world, engaging in many psychological activities that others found incomprehensible.

Fortunately, my IQ was very high and my talent was exceptional. I soon stood out in the orphanage.

No matter what I learned, I mastered it with ease.

In the year I turned nine, I was noticed by a middle-aged man in a formal suit.

“I am Su Qinghe. From now on, you may call me father.”

“However, this is only a title in name. Until you truly pass the test, I do not acknowledge your current status.”

“Come with me.”

After that, it was scene after scene of what happened in the Su family.

I didn’t hate Su Qinghe.

On the contrary, I was very grateful to him for giving me a chance to leave, a chance that allowed me to climb upward.

Only, I was a boy.

I did not pass the Su family’s test.

During yesterday’s New Year’s Eve reunion, I saw Su Qinghe once. His face wore the same gentle smile, a color I had never seen before.

He still doesn’t know.

That I am Si Xinyan.

I closed my eyes, and a tear slid from the corner of my eye.

It was precisely the various experiences of the past that shaped my current personality.

Last time.

When I first heard others calling me an android-like cute girl, my first reaction was actually sadness, followed by a very deep pain.

Su Liumeng had also joked with me.

I had tried so hard to explain that I wasn’t a bot, that I wasn’t like that—

My fingernails slowly dug into the soft flesh of my palm.

The sharp pain allowed my trembling body to gradually calm down. My spiraling logic began to return bit by bit in the darkness, accompanied by the warm temperature of the little bundle hugging me.

No one wants to have a personality that others dislike.

An overly secluded childhood and a past with nowhere to vent made me often not know how to speak up.

I looked sideways at the girl beside me.

In the year or two I’ve spent with her, I have actually changed a great deal.

On many nights when it was hard to fall asleep, I would also think seriously.

If I could have had my own mother.

And my own happy childhood.

I probably wouldn’t have turned out the way I am now.

Finally, I looked at my adorable daughter and reached out to hold her small body with extreme tenderness.

I have been this unwanted child since I was young.

But… baby, you aren’t.

I will love you more than anyone else.

Everything that happened to me, I will not let you experience.

Only those who have lived through it understand the pain.

The night grew deeper.

Yet I found it even harder to fall asleep.

The events that happened before I was three were like an invisible shackle, trapping me for my entire life.

I have no way to walk out of that tiny, dark room.

I have always disliked the dark.

Because it makes me remember the past.

I also think seriously about what kind of person would be heartless enough to let their own flesh and blood live in a dark, sunless attic.

Even to the point of being so cold-blooded as to let him be alone in a dark world, unable to hear any sound from the outside.

Perhaps the truth isn’t like that?

If I also had my own mother.

She… just accidentally lost me.

It’s not that I haven’t thought of the possibility, but I subconsciously deny it.

It simply wouldn’t hold up.

If such a person really existed, they wouldn’t have failed to cause even a single ripple in the nineteen years of my life.

No one would fail to look for their lost child.

A dream is a dream after all.

It is my own wishful fantasy.

“Mommy, you’re crying.”

Si Zhizuo could sense my emotions. She was the first to startle awake from her sleep. Her small fingers were rubbing the corner of my eye, the cold moisture beneath her fingertips making her heart tremble.

Her voice was very soft.

I still reached out and covered her mouth.

Si Zhizuo immediately understood my meaning. She carefully wiped the corners of my eyes, her body shaking from sadness. “Mom, why are you crying? Did someone make you angry?”

“Zhizhi.”

The little bundle didn’t know how to comfort someone, so she habitually said, “Zhizhi will help you kill them all.”

After saying it, she remembered what her mother had said during the day and felt a bit of regret.

“No one provoked me. I just thought of some things from the past.”

I let her lie on my chest and gently patted her back. “Go to sleep, or you won’t grow tall.”

“Mhm, I want to stay with Mom for a bit longer. I’ll go to sleep obediently in a moment.” Si Zhizuo knew that if she was there, her mother’s mood would improve, so she lay quietly on top of her.

Beside us.

Su Liumeng also opened her eyes.

“Why isn’t anyone sleeping?”

Her eyes were very sharp.

The darkness couldn’t block her gaze.

The tears at the corners of my eyes had long since dried.

Yet she still saw my slightly red eyes.

“Were you thinking about the past?” In the darkness, a palm was slowly approaching.

I didn’t avoid her tenderness.

She took the opportunity to wrap my small hand in her palm.

Warmth was everywhere. My turbulent emotions had already settled, leaving only a smile at the corners of my mouth.

“That was just a moment ago.”

I gave Su Liumeng a faint smile.

The smile of a girl with slightly red eyes seemed to possess a magical power that could heal one’s heart.

Su Liumeng’s nervous anxiety was greatly relieved by this smile.

I lightly patted the back of Su Liumeng’s hand. “Go to sleep.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Mommy, goodnight.” Si Zhizuo suddenly chimed in.

Hearing her daughter’s sudden voice, Su Liumeng was stunned for a moment, and the corners of her mouth slowly curled upward.

***

The second day of the New Year.

There didn’t seem to be anything special happening in the Su family.

I went behind Su Liumeng’s back, didn’t bring my daughter, and found Su Qinghe alone.

The middle-aged man had his hands behind his back, looking at the bookshelf in front of him.

Crisp footsteps echoed in the hall.

“You… don’t need to ask who came to find you?”

Su Qinghe didn’t turn around. “I can recognize everyone’s footsteps.”

“I also know your unique walking habit.”

He slowly turned around and looked at my current appearance, a hint of reminiscence in his eyes.

“From the moment you came to find me alone, I already knew what you wanted to ask.”

“I will tell you everything I know.”

Su Qinghe’s smile was as gentle as ever, just like the many times he had looked at his daughter’s partner in the past—a warmth and understanding belonging to an elder.

Such a gaze made me instinctively look away, my fists already clenched. “Did you… know who I was all along?”

Su Qinghe didn’t answer directly but asked instead, “What kind of status should enjoy what kind of treatment.”

“Xiao Yan.”

“That is the logic I taught you the year you were nine.”

“You shouldn’t forget it.”

I gripped my left hand tighter, the dialogue from years ago in front of the orphanage echoing in my ears.

“From now on, everything you need must be fought for by you personally.”

“Including the family affection you desire most.”

“I… can give it all to you.”

“Of course, you can also refuse me.”

“I’ll ask you one last time, are you willing to leave with me?”

The dim sunset was about to leave the world, stretching the little boy’s silhouette very long.

He suddenly shouted at the middle-aged man in front of him, “Take me away.”

My heart was already trembling.

The title that had been uttered countless times in the past could no longer be spoken from my mouth.

“You are the perfect masterpiece I meticulously selected from countless people. How could I forget you?”

Su Qinghe’s smile was very gentle. “There’s no need to call me by my former name.”

“Different identities correspond to different statuses and relationships.”

“People look forward; the past is just the past.”

“I am very happy that you were able to find your own life.”

“At least it proves that my decision to go against the majority and bring you, a boy with an Extreme Yin constitution, back to the Su family was not wrong.”

“If you want to ask my reason for bringing you back to the Su family.”

“Then that is the reason. I can tell you the answer now.”

I was silent for a moment.

This was indeed what I wanted to ask.

It could be considered a knot in the depths of my heart.

Family affection that was once within reach countless times.

I wanted to prove more than anyone how much sincerity was contained within it.

The answer, however, was that simple.

He had already told me from the very beginning.

Identity corresponds to status.

When you possess status, you already possess love.

This was the simple and unadorned answer of the Su family’s ruler.

Love is love; if one can act for a lifetime, then it can only be real.

I was an orphan.

How could there be something for nothing?

The answer.

I… should have known it long ago.

From another perspective, there is no difference between true and false love.

Discussing family affection with a ruler in the Su family was a mistake from the very start.

Though it was worldly and realistic, it was the truth.

Perhaps.

I really was once only a little bit away from possessing the fatherly and motherly love I had craved countless times.

“Thank you.” I slowly loosened my fist.

“Thank you for being willing to give me a chance back then.”

Su Qinghe stood tall in his suit, his eyes exceptionally weathered. “Xiao Yan, you still haven’t truly grown up. A lot indeed happened in the past, but if I were you, I wouldn’t mention my original identity ever again.”

“You are now the wife of the Su family’s first heir, a lady of high status that countless people need to look up to. You shouldn’t let others know about your past identity.”

I lowered my head. “I’m just a bit unwilling, that’s all.”

Su Qinghe sat behind the desk and poured himself a cup of tea. “Daughter, would you like some tea?”

I was Su Liumeng’s wife.

He was Su Liumeng’s father.

In local customs, there was a way of calling a newly married girl “daughter.”

It implied treating her as one’s own, and it was a more intimate way of speaking.

I slowly walked over. “Pour me a cup.”

He called me that.

It was also to remind me of my current status.

Even more, it was to tell me.

As long as I was his daughter’s wife, he would treat me as his biological daughter for the rest of his life.

Su Qinghe’s maturity and stability were beyond what my current experience could handle.

If it weren’t for this layer of relationship and the knowledge that he had no ill intent from beginning to end, I wouldn’t dare to be alone under the same roof with such a person.

Su Qinghe took a shallow sip of tea.

It was bitter yet sweet.

“Su Liumeng is a good child. Spending a lifetime with her isn’t considered a grievance for you.”

“Mhm, I understand,” I responded softly.

When all topics were completely opened up.

Su Qinghe could naturally treat me as a daughter.

I, however, still couldn’t quite distinguish between the two different identities and didn’t know how to face him correctly.

“Go back early.”

“My daughter doesn’t like me, so she doesn’t want you to come see me either.”

I put down the teacup. “I have always been grateful to you. Impartiality was what I needed most originally.”

Leaving the great hall, the sunlight poured down.

I instinctively stretched out my small hand, wanting to block the sun.

The moment the words I had been holding in my heart were truly spoken.

The whole person felt as if a layer of shackles had been removed, and my body felt infinitely lighter.

Of the two knots that had troubled my life.

One had now been unraveled.

There was only one left: the knot of my biological parents abusing me.

It wasn’t that I absolutely needed a result.

Rather, that little boy who was once locked in the attic.

He needed an answer, a reason.

Only then could he truly achieve liberation.