“Hello.”
My mom, who greeted me formally, looked at me once and then at Ayun noona once.
It was only natural since it was her first time meeting me. After all, the person who had invited me here was Ayun noona.
“Oh, she’s an employee at our bakery.”
Strictly speaking, I was just a part-timer, but noona introduced me as such.
I liked being referred to that way. It wasn’t just because of the subtle difference in nuance between “part-timer” and “employee.”
Calling someone an employee gave the impression that they were someone who stayed around for a long time. Of course, that wasn’t always the case, but still.
“Oh, I see.”
Mom smiled and gave a slight nod in my direction.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Oh, no, the pleasure is mine. Nice to meet you, too…”
It was only after saying that that I realized I hadn’t even greeted Mom with a proper “hello.”
But by the time I realized, it was already too late. Adding “hello” after “nice to meet you” would sound strange.
Still, once I started speaking, it seemed like the words that were stuck in my throat started to come out little by little.
As I was carefully choosing what to say next,
“Oh, ma’am, have you eaten yet?”
Yuri noona spoke to Mom first.
“Hm? Oh, no, not yet.”
Mom replied.
“Then let’s go eat quickly. Oh, wait, you haven’t taken photos yet, right? How about we take a photo together first? Ayun, you go ahead and eat first.”
“Oh, uh, but…”
Before Ayun noona could say anything, Yuri noona glanced at me briefly before turning her gaze back to noona. Ayun noona also looked at me briefly, as if realizing something at that moment.
“Oh, uh, okay, got it.”
As if something unspoken had passed between them, Ayun noona nodded quickly and grabbed my hand.
“Let’s go eat first. You said you were hungry earlier, right?”
“Oh, uh, yes…”
When I couldn’t refuse noona’s suggestion and answered like that,
“Alright, you two go ahead and eat first. We’ll come down slowly. Ma’am, you haven’t met my parents yet, right? This way, please…”
Yuri noona quickly led Mom away. Although Mom glanced back at us a few times with a puzzled expression, she didn’t resist Yuri noona’s pull.
“Sorry.”
When I followed noona, still a bit confused, she apologized to me.
“That lady has been like a parent to me since I was young… but her son…”
Ah…
It was only then that I began to understand the situation.
So that’s how it is.
I still kept my original name.
Whether it was because she didn’t want me to lose my sense of identity completely, or because she thought my drastically changed appearance would be enough to prevent anyone from recognizing me, the goddess had left my name untouched.
Even though my birthday and age had changed, my name remained the same.
At first, I found it puzzling, but eventually, I came to be grateful for it.
If even my name had been changed, I probably wouldn’t have been able to be certain of myself.
Changing everything about me would mean giving up my identity as well.
No matter how much I thought of myself as “me,” it would mean there wasn’t a single piece of evidence left in this world to affirm that I was still me.
But perhaps that’s why I’m hesitating to reveal my name to Mom.
To Mom, I was everything.
I was her only family to rely on.
Even though my sister often came to help and took care of me, I was the only blood-related family she had left.
Mom never talked about my maternal grandmother or grandfather.
Seeing as there weren’t even any pictures, maybe they never existed from the start.
When I was very young, I remember asking about my grandparents, but as I got older, I noticed how Mom seemed troubled every time I asked such questions.
I gradually came to understand.
She rarely spoke about my father either.
All I knew was that such a person existed, that was all.
I didn’t even know if he was alive.
But at least one thing was clear: he wasn’t someone Mom could rely on.
And now, even the son she could rely on no longer exists.
For the past five years, I wasn’t there.
“…….”
My sister couldn’t bring herself to speak further.
She just tightly bit her lips and pulled me along by the hand.
Of course.
To her, my existence itself must have been a wound.
The way she looked shocked when she heard my name, or how she seemed hesitant every time she called it……Ah, I see now.
I really… hadn’t been thinking at all.
If just hearing my name would hurt Mom that much, how must my sister have felt?
How did she feel the first time she heard my name?
When I subconsciously, or perhaps inadvertently, displayed old habits of mine or mentioned a memory, when she said things to me that she used to say in the past, did my sister only recall the good memories with me?
…No, that couldn’t be. There’s no way.
To her, the most vivid memory would have been the moment I died.
Whenever she showed signs of being conscious of me, I felt a slight pang of guilt.
But at the same time, a tiny bit of joy.
Because it was proof that she still remembered me.
“…….”
What should I say to her?
Should I tell her it’s okay?
That it’s okay even if she doesn’t say anything?
…No, for now, it’s better to just follow her in silence.
My sister opened her mouth a few times, but in the end, she couldn’t bring herself to speak properly about me.
Watching her like that made my heart feel a little heavier.
*
Even when my heart feels heavy, it’s fascinating how food still goes down.
Perhaps this is one of the few good habits I’ve picked up from the battlefield.
On the battlefield, eating was more important than anything else. Refusing a meal because you’re in a bad mood is a foolish act.
Who knows when you’ll get another chance to eat….would you turn down a feast?
Even with the nauseating corpse of a monstrous beast in front of me.
Even with pieces of a comrade I fought alongside just moments ago scattered nearby.
Even with the fear that I might die soon.
Even amidst the stench of decay assaulting my nostrils.
I ate.
I pressed forward while chewing on salty, preserved meat.
And so, even at this moment, I could eat.
Of course, the food now was on a completely different level from what I ate back then. Sushi and various kinds of sashimi I never even dreamed of trying in that other world.
Every kind of meat, cooked in Korean style. Rice cakes, bread, and cakes.
Not a single dish failed to satisfy me as I put it into my mouth.
Someone once said buffet food isn’t as good as food from individual restaurants, but honestly, I wanted to argue against that statement.
“You must have been really hungry.”
Seeing me eating so enthusiastically, my sister seemed to feel a little better. At the same time, she seemed somewhat amazed. It was true that I ate a lot for someone of my stature.
Though I was just slightly taller than her, I still wasn’t far off from the average height for women in Korea.
A seemingly ordinary woman eating this much—it must have been astonishing to watch.
Still, I was trying to eat as carefully as possible. No matter how hungry I was, I didn’t want to appear too ravenous or spill food on my clothes in front of my sister.
“…As I said earlier, that person has helped me a lot since I was young.”
Perhaps she had calmed down a little, as my sister began speaking slowly. I slowed down the movements of my mouth as much as possible to listen to her.
“So I’d like to introduce them to you someday… but… hmm… it might take some time. Honestly, if it weren’t for Yuri, I might have made a big mistake today.”
I nodded carefully.
It seemed better to pretend to understand and move on than to try and say something.
“Still, someday, I’ll have to introduce you. There’s no way you won’t ever meet them.”
“…Alright.”
After swallowing my food, I answered softly.
That response was enough. The fact that there was a chance to meet my mother again was enough to give me hope.
“…Even though I don’t understand the reason right now…”
And then, cautiously, I added:
“I hope, someday, I’ll get to meet her through you.”
It was a lie.
I couldn’t say it right now.
Even if I did, my sister might dismiss it as a joke. By the time I’m introduced to my mother, it might already be too late.
They might ask me why I didn’t say anything earlier, why I kept my identity hidden. My mother and sister might question me endlessly.
All I’d be able to say is that I’m sorry.
But still, I made up my mind.
Someday, in front of my mother and sister, I want to reveal who I truly am.
And I want to heal even a small part of the scars in their hearts.
….Tonight, I’ll pray to the goddess again.
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