The car sped past the flagship stores of luxury brands lining both sides of the road, not stopping even for a single red light as it passed in front of the department store.
Glancing at the side mirror to change lanes, Yoon Jooho spoke in a dry tone.
“I think I’ve been consistent in my actions from the very beginning until now.”
The car gradually came to a stop at the traffic light in front of Apgujeong Police Station.
A few students crossing the crosswalk turned their heads to look at Yoon Jooho’s Porsche.
Watching their excited, youthful faces, Song Hyunsoo shifted his gaze to Yoon Jooho’s profile.
“The person you rejected, that one.”
Haah. Yoon Jooho gripped the top of the steering wheel with both hands and rested his forehead on it, slumping forward.
It was a sigh that spoke of utter exhaustion from the recurring topic.
Thump, thump. He tapped his forehead twice on his clenched hands before abruptly spinning to look at Song Hyunsoo. His eyes shone sharply.
“Do you really want to keep talking about this?”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Then why ke…?”
“I don’t want to. Listening to it only makes me miserable.”
“……”
Yoon Jooho slowly straightened his upper body.
“You don’t want to know that senior once wanted someone that seriously. It hurts, and it makes you jealous and crazy, like you might just lose it.”
Watching Yoon Jooho’s increasingly furrowed eyes, Song Hyunsoo pushed forward without hesitation.
“But because of that, I also really want to know. How amazing that person was, unlike me. Whether there was even a little bit of similarity with me. Sometimes, I even wonder if I like that person more than I like you, senior. That curious.”
A short honk sounded from behind. Confirming the light had turned green, Yoon Jooho started driving again.
He was silent for a moment. Only after turning right and entering Seongsu Bridge did he finally speak.
“The car’s leaving on Thursday’s Script Reading. Take it and use it.”
It wasn’t the answer Song Hyunsoo had hoped for.
“Don’t avoid it. You heard what I said. I like senior… ugh. Nope.”
Yoon Jooho’s right arm stretched out and covered Song Hyunsoo’s mouth. It wasn’t a light joke, but a strong press, almost like a kidnapper or robber holding him down.
The force was enough to press the back of Song Hyunsoo’s head into the headrest.
“Think carefully. Do you really have to talk about this?”
“……”
“You just practiced acting with that day. You can just let it go like that.”
There was no trace of playful teasing in his voice, only a calm seriousness.
“We never had any problems.”
The word ‘we’ from Yoon Jooho’s lips sounded sweet, but thinking that it was just ‘we’ as in partners in this kind of thing quickly wiped away the sweetness, leaving only a bitter taste hard to swallow.
Song Hyunsoo clenched his fist tightly on the bag resting on his lap.
So, you keep touching me, smiling at me as if I’m cute, begging to come inside me… but still won’t give me the place of a lover, right?
He shook off Yoon Jooho’s arm and glared at him.
“I don’t like it.”
I will have senior all to myself, no matter what.
Not just the body flowing with milk and honey, but the scared and wounded heart that likes human touch yet guards itself. And even the past.
Ha. Yoon Jooho clicked his tongue as if saying, “What kind of nonsense is this?” and sighed.
“From what I see, it’s not like there’s zero chance.”
“Not zero chance?”
“Look at what senior does to me.”
“That’s an incredibly optimistic way to think. I don’t even know where to start pointing out flaws.”
Shaking his head, Yoon Jooho rolled down the window slightly and lit a cigarette. After a few puffs, he sighed while flicking the ash as they passed Seoul Forest and began to confess.
“Yeah, honestly, being with you is fun.”
“……”
“When I don’t see you, I get curious.”
It was a direction Song Hyunsoo never expected. He was more surprised than when he had been cruelly rejected.
His eyes wide open, frozen, the corners of his mouth twitched. A smile seemed about to slip out.
“Then shall we…”
As he grinned and leaned in, Yoon Jooho frowned and pushed his forehead back with the hand holding the cigarette.
“Listen until the end.”
“Can’t I just stop there?”
“I’m saying, I’m satisfied with how things are now. No complaints, no wants.”
“Then you don’t mind if I sleep with someone else?”
“……”
Why did the conversation jump like that? Yoon Jooho looked at him reproachfully, then averted his gaze and flicked the ash. Resigned, he spoke.
“If you want to, there’s nothing I can do.”
Isn’t that basically saying, “I wish you wouldn’t”?
“I don’t really know what’s normal or ordinary. Nothing is more important than work. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been unlucky.”
“……”
“I couldn’t live up to expectations, left you alone, hurt you, cried and yelled… Every moment I confirmed that I’m a defective product that just looks fine on the outside… That’s all I have in terms of relationships.”
Yoon Jooho continued calmly.
“Didn’t I say? Even if you dated me, you wouldn’t last a month.”
“I’m not like that! We can just test it and see if I last or not!”
Yoon Jooho smiled bitterly as he put out the cigarette and added,
“And I don’t think I can change.”
“Can’t I fix you? I’ll fix you!”
“…Fix me?”
Song Hyunsoo nodded repeatedly.
Yoon Jooho laughed as if he couldn’t believe it. As if the words reminded him of some special memory. The laughter faded, leaving a bitter aftertaste.
“No one can fix that.”
“Why? Because that person couldn’t fix you either?”
The gaze turning back was cold.
“Think whatever you want. I just told the truth. Whether you believe it or not is your choice. If our needs don’t match, there’s nothing we can do. I pick who comes to me, but I don’t chase who leaves.”
So without regrets… like he had finally found a partner he liked after a long time but felt disappointed…
Whenever I got out of the passenger seat, he’d just say ‘Good job’ and leave. I was always left standing there, watching his car disappear.
“Lies.”
“What?”
“That you don’t chase who leaves is a lie. The ones you didn’t chase were all trivial people you didn’t care about, and you clung to that person, didn’t you?”
He knew he had no right to say this. Not just hurting Yoon Jooho, but himself too. But he couldn’t stop.
“……”
He had hoped for denial, but the silence was heavy and frightening.
Looking up, Yoon Jooho’s side profile had stiffened coldly.
“It’s true. It really was like that with that person.”
Song Hyunsoo’s voice trembled. He wiped his face with his palm several times, trying to hold back tears. He had known and accepted it all along. But as his desire for him grew, so did the weight of that burden.
“Even if that’s true, there’s no reason to blame you.”
“I’m not blaming you.”
Clenching his fists until the knuckles turned yellow, he looked away through the window.
“I said I don’t date men. I said it clearly from the start. You still came onto the bed, so I took that as your agreement too.”
“I know I don’t deserve it. But still… it hurts so much I feel like dying. What am I supposed to do?”
“You think I’ll be different? That I’ll be fixed by you?”
“I won’t cry or scream when hurt. I won’t do things that make you think you’re defective!”
“Even though you’re already hurt because of me?”
“……”
The navigation said there were seven minutes left until their destination.
“Stop the car.”
“What?”
“We’re almost there anyway. Just stop anywhere nearby.”
“Are you crying?”
Yoon Jooho reached out to brush the hair from Song Hyunsoo’s forehead. That touch only made the tears well up stronger. He shook him off harshly.
“Don’t mind it. It’s just a reflex when you’re upset or frustrated. Just stop the car.”
“How can I not mind!”
“If it’s not worth holding onto, why should I care if you cry or die?”
As they neared Wangsimni Station Intersection, cars lined up waiting for the light. They had no choice but to slow down.
Watching Song Hyunsoo unbuckle his seatbelt, Yoon Jooho sighed, trying to hold back his anger.
“I’m leaving on a business trip starting tomorrow. We won’t see each other for a while. Do you really want to leave like this?”
“Then what? Should we at least have a deep kiss before I go?”
At Song Hyunsoo’s provocation, Yoon Jooho’s expression immediately darkened.
“There’s no reason not to.”
He roughly tried to grab the back of Song Hyunsoo’s neck, but Song Hyunsoo shook him off and jumped out of the car as if running.
Curious eyes turned toward the rare supercar’s sudden appearance. But he didn’t care about getting off or anything else. He ran blindly into the nearest alley.
A honk sounded once or twice from behind, but he didn’t look back.
Internet experts. I should have listened to them. There’s always a reason experts tell you not to do something.
Never confess first to an INTJ man.